If you have ever dealt with a high conflict person, you probably know the feeling.

They twist your words. They make accusations. They rewrite what happened. They create urgency. They push your buttons until you feel like you have no choice but to defend yourself.

And then you find yourself thinking, “If I could just explain this the right way, maybe they would finally understand.”

I want you to stop waiting for that day.

After more than 25 years as a trial lawyer, sitting across from thousands of high conflict people in courtrooms, depositions, mediations, and negotiations, I have learned something that can completely change the way you communicate with difficult people.

Sometimes, your explanation is exactly what they are looking for.

The problem is that you may think you are trying to create understanding, while the other person may be looking for your reaction. Every time you overexplain, defend yourself, argue your point, or try to prove that you are reasonable, you may be giving away more information, emotion, and leverage than you realize.

This is especially important when you are dealing with a narcissistic or high conflict person in a divorce, custody dispute, business conflict, workplace situation, or difficult personal relationship.

The goal is not to find the perfect comeback.

The goal is to remain composed, protect your position, and stop allowing someone else's behavior to control your response.

Why Defending Yourself Can Make a High Conflict Situation Worse

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is assuming that every accusation deserves an answer.

Someone says, “You always do this.”

So you explain.

They say, “Everyone agrees that you are impossible.”

So you start listing all the things you have done to be reasonable.

They say, “That isn't what happened.”

So you send a five paragraph explanation with screenshots, dates, context, and every detail you can remember.

I understand why you do it. You want the truth to be known. You want to be understood. You want to correct the record.

But when you are dealing with a high conflict person, more communication does not necessarily create more clarity.

Sometimes it creates more opportunities for conflict.

This is where I often talk about JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain.

The more you engage in that pattern, the more predictable you become. And when someone knows exactly which buttons to push to get a reaction from you, they have gained information about how to influence you.

There is another important consideration, particularly when a dispute could eventually involve attorneys, mediation, or court.

Your messages can become part of the record.

That angry text you sent late at night. That long email you wrote while frustrated. That paragraph where you finally told the other person exactly what you thought of them.

You may have felt better for a moment.

But how will that message look when someone else reads it later?

In a high conflict situation, composure is not weakness. Composure is strategic.

That is why I want you to have four simple responses ready.

1. When They Accuse You: “I Hear You.”

Imagine someone says:

“You always do this.”

“You are impossible.”

“This is what everybody says about you.”

Your instinct may be to fight back immediately.

You might want to say, “That is not fair. Let me explain.”

Don't.

Instead, try:

“I hear you.”

Or:

“I hear that this is the way you see it.”

That is it.

Notice what this response does not do.

You are not agreeing with the accusation.

You are not admitting that their version is correct.

You are not apologizing.

You are not defending your character.

You are simply acknowledging that you heard what they said.

And sometimes that is enough.

A high conflict person may repeat the accusation. They may say it louder. They may add more details. They may try to pull you into defending yourself.

You can remain calm and repeat the same basic response.

“I hear you.”

“I understand that is your perspective.”

“I hear that this is how you feel.”

The power is not in finding the perfect words. The power is in your composure.

You are refusing to take the bait.

2. When They Try to Provoke You: “I'm Not Going to Respond to That Right Now.”

The second situation is what I call the bait.

Maybe they send you a provocative text late at night.

Maybe they make a cutting comment in front of other people.

Maybe they say something designed to make you feel guilty, angry, embarrassed, or defensive.

They might say:

“Great parenting.”

“It's obvious you only care about yourself.”

“I guess this is who you really are.”

Your instinct may be to prove them wrong.

That is the trap.

Instead, say:

“I'm not going to respond to that right now.”

That sentence gives you something extremely valuable: time.

Time to calm down.

Time to think.

Time to review what actually happened.

Time to document the situation.

Time to decide whether a response is even necessary.

When you are emotionally activated, your goal should not be to win the conversation. Your goal should be to get yourself back into a place where you can think strategically.

And there is another advantage.

If that message is ever read later in a mediation or courtroom, your response demonstrates restraint. You did not escalate. You did not attack. You did not get pulled into the drama.

You simply chose not to respond in that moment.

That is a very different position from reacting impulsively.

3. When They Rewrite Reality: “That's Not How I Remember It, and I've Made a Note of It.”

This one is especially important when someone repeatedly denies conversations, changes their story, or insists that events happened differently from the way you remember them.

They might say:

“That never happened.”

“You agreed to this.”

“That isn't what I said.”

“You're remembering it wrong.”

Your instinct may be to immediately prove them wrong.

Instead, try:

“That's not how I remember it, and I've made a note of it.”

There are two important things happening in that sentence.

First, you are not accepting their version of events.

Second, you are not getting into a prolonged argument about whose memory is correct.

You are documenting.

When you are dealing with an ongoing high conflict situation, documentation can become incredibly important. Keep your records factual, organized, and focused on what actually happened rather than turning documentation into another emotional argument.

The point is not to create more conflict.

The point is to create clarity.

This is one of the reasons I created SLAY AI. When you are dealing with hundreds of texts, emails, documents, incidents, and changing stories, it can become incredibly difficult to see the bigger picture. Having a system for organizing information can help you identify patterns, contradictions, and important details instead of allowing everything to become one giant cloud of confusion.

High conflict situations thrive on confusion.

Clarity changes the equation.

4. When They Pressure You: “I'm Not Going to Make a Decision Under Pressure. I Will Get Back to You.”

The fourth situation is the pressure play.

This is where someone tries to manufacture urgency.

“Sign it right now.”

“This is the best deal you're going to get.”

“If you don't agree today, things will be worse tomorrow.”

“Make a decision right now.”

“I'll walk away if you don't accept this.”

Maybe there really are consequences involved. Maybe the decision is genuinely important.

But pressure is not the same thing as urgency.

When someone is trying to force you into an immediate decision, you can say:

“I'm not going to make a decision under pressure. I will get back to you.”

You can also say:

“I will take it under advisement and get back to you.”

You don't have to match their urgency.

You don't have to prove that you are serious.

You don't have to make an important decision simply because someone else has decided that you should make it immediately.

Some of the most important decisions in negotiation are the ones you make after you have had time to think.

And when you stop allowing someone else to dictate your timeline, you change the dynamic.

You are making it clear that the decision will happen on your terms, not simply because someone else created pressure.

The Pattern Behind All Four Responses

Now step back and look at these four responses together.

“I hear you.”

“I'm not going to respond to that right now.”

“That's not how I remember it, and I've made a note of it.”

“I'm not going to make a decision under pressure. I will get back to you.”

None of these is a comeback.

None of them is designed to humiliate the other person.

None of them is about getting the last word.

That is exactly the point.

The objective is to lower the temperature, maintain control, and quietly build your record.

This is what leverage looks like.

When you stop reacting, you become less predictable.

When you stop overexplaining, you give away less information.

When you stop defending your character, you stop allowing someone else to put your identity on trial.

When you stop making decisions under pressure, you regain control of your timeline.

And when you document what actually happens, you create clarity that can become incredibly valuable later.

You Don't Need to Win the Argument

One of the biggest mindset shifts I want you to make when dealing with a narcissist or high conflict person is this:

You do not have to win every argument.

In fact, sometimes the argument itself is the trap.

If someone wants to pull you into a ten paragraph text exchange, you do not have to participate.

If someone makes an accusation that does not require a response, you do not have to answer it.

If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, you may never find the perfect explanation that suddenly makes them understand.

Your job is not to control their perception of you.

Your job is to control your own behavior and protect your interests.

That is a very different mindset.

So the next time you receive a provocative message, take a breath before you respond.

Ask yourself: What is the actual issue here?

What actually requires a response?

Am I responding because a response is necessary, or because I feel compelled to prove something about myself?

That pause can change everything.

Respond, Don't React

High conflict people may give you countless opportunities to react.

An accusation.

A rewrite.

An ultimatum.

A provocative text.

A personal attack.

A sudden deadline.

You don't have to accept every invitation to the conflict.

Remember these four lines.

“I hear you.”

“I'm not going to respond to that right now.”

“That's not how I remember it, and I've made a note of it.”

“I'm not going to make a decision under pressure. I will get back to you.”

Practice them until they feel boring.

That is when you know you are getting somewhere.

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Because leverage is not always about saying something more powerful.

Sometimes leverage comes from saying less, staying calm, and refusing to hand your power to someone who is trying to provoke you.

You don't win a high conflict situation by becoming louder.

You don't win by clapping back.

You don't win by proving that you are right in every single moment.

You create leverage by staying composed, protecting your position, documenting what matters, and responding strategically instead of reacting emotionally.

That is where leverage changes hands.

And remember: Leverage plus clarity equals freedom.

— Rebecca Zung
The Leverage Lawyer