Feeling Drained by a Narcissist, 10 Self Care Strategies That Work

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are you dealing with the effects of narcissistic abuse by the end of this video I will
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give you some ideas to start using today right now that you can use to
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start feeling just a little bit better now if you’re dealing with a narcissist in your life whether it’s a covert
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narcissist a grandiose narcissist or a malignant narcissist or some combination
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of any of those then you’re dealing with all kinds of craziness I
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I’ve been there too and I know exactly the kinds of things that they do I’ve represented them I’ve been on the other
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side of them with opposing Council and I’ve had them as opposing clients you
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know I’ve seen them in all different Realms and so I know the kinds of things that they do and I know the kinds of
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things that you’re going through so you know you’re dealing with things like gaslighting where they actually just try
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to make you think that they’re crazy and for those of you who don’t know what gaslighting is is when they say
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something thing to that is obviously completely counter what to what you
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believe and know to be true so for example they’ll say something like um
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you agreed that we would do it this way or we had a conversation about that and this is what the end of that
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conversation was and and these are the points that that we agreed on and you’ll say no we didn’t we never had that
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conversation I mean maybe you even you didn’t even have the conversation at all or maybe you had a conversation but it
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didn’t include that and then you start questioning your own sanity and that’s what gaslighting is and and it’s
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actually it’s a very very powerful form of abuse uh it it comes from an old
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movie from the 40s called Gaslight and in that movie the husband was actually
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trying to make the wife think that she was crazy and so he would blow out these
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gas lights and she would say wasn’t that just lit and he would say no no I have
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no idea what you’re talking about and that’s exactly the kinds of things that
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narcissists do all forms of narc all all different types of narcissists use
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gaslighting as one of their little bag of trick things that they do to try to control you and manipulate you so that’s
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one of the things they do one another thing that they do is manipulate you so and that comes in all different forms it
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might be in emails it could be in person it could be in text or whatever but
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they’re constantly trying to manipulate you they also can be condescending they go through periods of
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Love bombing you and then Deval devaluing you love bomb devalue love bomb devalue it’s a very powerful way to
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keep you coming back to wanting to um get those love bombs back again because
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you keep thinking well I they they said that I once was the most amazing person
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they ever met you know where where’s that I know that they thought that at one point and so you you find yourself
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craving to get back to where you were before with the love bomb um they will
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ignore you they have a lack of boundaries um you’re supposed to respect
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their boundaries they don’t have to respect yours um so uh passive
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aggressive behaviors this is especially true of covert narcissist I
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unfortunately have had to deal with not one but two covert narcissists that were
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in my close close close to me in my world not husbands but people close
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enough that it it did a lot of damage a lot of pain a lot of trauma and so um I
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know from whence I speak and I know how horrible they can be and absolutely it’s
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it’s gut-wrenching they they literally drain the life out of you these people so I do understand that I’ve made a
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couple of videos on on covert narcissist you’re going to definitely want to check them out if you suspect that you are
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dealing with a covert narcissist one of them is called covert narcissism in relationships and the other one is just
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passive agressive covert narcissist I highly recommend you watch those and I will drop links to those below so you
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can check them out another thing that narcissists do is triangulation and triangulation is when
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um they try to get what we call Flying mon monkeys on their side it’s an old reference to the Wicked Witch of the
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West in The Wizard of Oz where she had her flying monkeys and these are people that just are Mindless or whatever they
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don’t understand what’s going on they don’t see what’s happening and so
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they’re just being used as Pawns in the narcissist game and um it’s it’s meant
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to try to um intimidate you so that you think oh you better behave because
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everybody else in your world thinks that this person is amazing or you better
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behave because um everybody else is going to think you’re the one that’s crazy so you know because they they’re
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getting these people on their side so that’s what triangulation is or flying monkeys obviously lying all narcissists
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are pathological Liars lovely and you know intimidation threats of violence
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stalking or actual violence or some of the other things that you might see with narcissist tend to be they tend to be
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more like the malignant version um but if these all sound familiar and you are
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ready to feel better give me an I’m ready in the comments I know I was ready
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when I was dealing with narcissist so when you’re dealing with a narcissist
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and you’re trying to get over one or you’re still dealing with one it just can be brutal you you they kind of just
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you end up like almost obsessed with how to deal with this person and I
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understand that I’ve had to do it myself so um here are some of the things that worked for me so one of the things was
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pivoting so really I very much try to not let these people run too much free
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space in my head so you know when you start getting down that cycle of really
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focusing in on I can’t believe this person didn’t see all that I gave to
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them or didn’t see what a good person I was and and you know I gave all this and they still want more or I can’t believe
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that they would treat me this way after all I did you know because that’s put yourself in victim mode and if you’re in
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victim mode then you can’t be in create mode you can’t be you know in in
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confident mode you can’t be in getting to the rest of your life mode so you
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know as fast as you can pivot out of that I mean deal with them the way you have to deal with them but then you know
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know spend whatever time you have to do with that and then the rest of the time do not spend any more time on thinking
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about them easier said than done so what I would do is I would have you know a a
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menu of things that I’m going to think about instead you know whether it’s uh writing my book which was one of the
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things that I finished you know while I was dealing with a couple of these narcissists so I wrote negotiate like
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you matter um or maybe it was you know creating a program for me on for people
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like you dealing with narcissists or it’s dealing with my my law clients or
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um or calling a friend or calling one of my kids or talking to my husband or whatever or or singing a song that I
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love just anything anything that you can do to be thinking about something other than giving that person any more
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attention or space in your head so that’s pivoting so um another thing is
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meditation you know really just meditating clearing your mind even if it’s 5 minutes a day it actually starts
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to change your neuronal patterns it starts to change your breathing you know sometimes when we’re so stressed we
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don’t even realize we’re not even taking oxygen into our body so um you know just
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taking a few deep breaths just refreshes the cells in your body and gives them
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oxygen and gives you more energy and you know just picture as you’re breathing
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your you’re breathing in positive energy and as you exhale you are just releasing
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all that negative energy and that negative tension so even just set your your your phone for five minutes a day
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it’ll make a huge difference for you um and then the third thing that you can do is raise the vibrational energy of the
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people that you spend time with don’t spend time with people who um bring you down you know we all have vibrational
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energy it’s measurable this is a a law of physics this is not a wo wo thing um
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and you know if you are with people who are you know sad or depressed or
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bringing you down or or who aren’t supportive of you you know I mean be
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with people who want to Fan Your Flames not douse your fire and if they want to
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douse your fire then find another group of people to be with because those aren’t friends those aren’t even if
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they’re family you don’t need to spend as much time with them you want to be with people who are going to make you
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feel really good after you spend some time with them okay next thing is just
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being active another you know another way to get oxygen into your brain and into your cells is you know even if you
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just take a brisk walk around the block a couple of times a day or um you know
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go to a yoga class or do something that’s going to make you feel like um
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like you know you can breathe a little bit better you know um I’m H I happen to
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be uh recording this video during the time of Corona virus and this whole pandemic so you know if you can’t leave
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your house then just there’s always YouTube right you’re here on YouTube with me now so find a yoga class um find
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something to do that will help make you feel more active um and then you know
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the last thing is is kind of related to the pivoting but it’s just keep focusing
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on what you want and not what you don’t don’t want so you know it’s really easy
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to focus in on I I don’t want this anymore I don’t want them to be acting any like this anymore I don’t want them
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to be in my space I don’t want them to be harassing me um I you know just keep
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focusing on what you do want what do you want in your life you want to feel at peace you want to feel in flow you want
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to be surrounded by people who love you and you love them just keep focusing on
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that and just keep using that as your Mantra this is what I want this is what I want this is what I want it’s time for
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you to breathe it’s time for you to take care of yourself it’s so hard it’s
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emotionally draining in a relationship so let’s dive into some survival tips
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some surviving life with a narcissist especially if it’s a narcissistic
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partner so that you can prioritize yourself and your
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wellbeing all right all right so the first thing is that you have to
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understand this person you have to understand who it is that you’re dealing with and by the way if if you’re dealing
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with this and you’re feeling completely alone make sure that you have subscribed
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to this channel especially if you’re just coming here for the first time because we are building a community here
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and we don’t want you to feel alone we want you to feel like you are in a place
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where you are finding your people where you’re finding the the people that are
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understanding who you are every single day we are building a community a community here of people who are empaths
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people who understand you so make sure that you subscribe hit that notification
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Bell and we are uh every day releasing new videos
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and also announcing events and things that will help you to maybe just feel a
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little bit less like you’re alone in the world all right so understanding who it
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is that you’re dealing with you’re dealing with an emotional roller coaster it’s it’s highs it’s lows one day you’re
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the best person on the planet and the next day you know out of nothing you’re you’re back
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to you know the worst person that they’ve ever met and literally nothing
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happened you you thought that everything was resolved so recognize those signs
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they need they have a constant need for admiration and they have a complete lack
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of empathy a complete lack of understanding of your feelings
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whatsoever all right so and they’re never going to acknowledge you they’re never going to see your side they’re
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never going to see anything that you did for them it’s all about them
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right so you know forget about any of those things forget about any of those
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things so you’ve got to take care of yourself those survival tactics that you
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need you know this is like your tool kit that you have to build and the first
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thing you got to do is set those clear boundaries def Define what’s acceptable
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and what’s not you teach people how to treat you all right so effective clear
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communication speak your truth without feeding their ego all right so avoid the
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blame game you don’t you don’t say to them you did this and you did that you
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just need to set down the boundary and say you know this is not okay you have
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to speak with me to me with respect and if you don’t then you know we don’t need
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to have this conversation right now you know I can see that you’re upset
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I can see that you’re angry you know the way this this approach is not working for
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me it’s about you it’s not about them you know your triggers are not my
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responsibility so if they say you’re triggering me well that’s not my
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responsibility so prioritize your health your
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well-being you know so if if you need to take some time for yourself you don’t
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feel guilty for that you cannot feel guilty for that and you don’t need to be
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responsible for everyone else so many times as empaths we feel
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like we need to be responsible for everyone else other than ourselves and
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we pour everything we have into everyone else other than our elves and then we’re
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made to feel guilty if we take any little time for ourselves any little
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scrap of anything for ourselves and you cannot feel guilty about that and let me
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tell you something else you need to forgive yourself for any sort
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of decision that you made at at a time when you were in survival mode you need
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to forgive yourself for that because you made decisions at a time that you
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thought that they were right at the time so forgive yourself for the past and you all you can do is look
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forward you know nothing there’s nothing you can do about the past you can
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only look at the future so if you need help if you need therapy if you need to
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take time for yourself then you need to do it I also do have a a sponsor on this
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channel for therapy if you need help and you need access to online therapy and
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that is betterhelp and you can go access that at betterhelp.com
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Rebecca’s zong write down in the comments I will take care of
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myself I will take care of myself so you can go find friends you can go do a
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meditation class go to yoga and build a support system go to a support group go
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do things with your friends go have lunch with your friends go meet a friend in a park go for a walk with a friend
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start building those friendships back up again because narciss tend to isolate
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you so if you need to reconnect with people you need to start doing that
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again engage in activities that are going to build yourself esteem and
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selfworth again so you know if it’s
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you know running if it’s doing yoga if it’s walking around the block if it’s
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doing C you know crochet if it’s painting if it’s watercolors if it’s
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writing a book whatever that is for you even if it’s completing a task do you
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know that statistically just you know writing down a list and then Crossing things off that you have completed that
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builds your confidence completing tasks build your confidence so remembering
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that you deserve respect love and understanding helps
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you start writing I am statements out I am blank I am lovable I am a winner you
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know I am working this out I am getting better every day all of those things
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will help you tremendously
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so you know anything that follows I am helps you you know when you start to say
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things like I can’t get what I want the narcissist always wins you know I things
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never go my way it’s not going to happen you’re placing orders to the the
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universe every time I hear somebody say that I say do you want to be right about
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that or would you like things to be different because if you would like things to be different then you need to stop saying
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things like that if you want to be right about that congratulations great you’re a winner you you get to be right but you
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can have things be different but you have to choose that things are going to be different start manifesting that
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they’re going to be different so living with a narcissistic partner can be
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challenging there is no doubt but it’s baby steps you know I always say step one don’t run step two make a U-turn
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step three Break Free right it’s you know your course correcting you’re going 180° difference so that first step Don’t
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Run it’s creating those boundaries diving deeper into those
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strategies is is some you know the first thing that you can do
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is uh get some phrases for disarming narcissist and you can get those at
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disarm the.com I have phrases for disarming narcissist which you can grab
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disarm the.com and those will help you just to get started you know make sure that
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you’re connecting with people which you can do in my free private Facebook group
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narsissist negotiators with Rebecca zong right and you know make sure that
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you get some therapy if you need it being in a narcissistic relationship is
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so hard but with the r right mindset the right tools you can prioritize your your
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well-being and find that balance that you need as we close out today remember that that navigating that Maze of
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narcissism can be tough but you know making sure that you have the right
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resources can help now I have a book on this slay the
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bully how to negotiate with a narcissist and when and just disarm the narc will help
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you with those quick firey supplies if you haven’t um shared this video make
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sure you give it a like give it a share that will help others in our our our
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world our community our slay Nation you know get access to resources and if you
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haven’t subscribed make sure you do that now give it you know a a a click over
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here subscribe hit that notification Bell so um you know this is a community that
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we’re building this is a mission that we we have right so I’m so glad that you
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are here I am so glad that you are here because this is all about us building a
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a community together and helping each other lifting each other up and this is
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really really really one of the most important things that you can do when
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you are dealing with a n narcissist either in your personal life in your business life or when you are
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negotiating with a narcissist is such a really really great tool that you will have in your toolbox and I actually say
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that you can use this either as in a way sort of a weapon or as a shield because
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when you’re dealing with a narcissist you definitely need both and you can use this right away and in any time when
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you’re communicating with a narcissist it means in a way is like you literally
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become like a boulder in a way it’s it’s more like a boulder than a rock but it
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you can kind of think of it as gray rock so you become devoid of emotion you
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become immovable just think of yourself as kind of a gray rock what does a gray
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rock do what does a gray Boulder do it just sits there it doesn’t get triggered it doesn’t move it just
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literally sits there I mean I remember doing this when I was dealing with a
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couple of narcissists in my life and I didn’t know the term gray rock at the
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time I just kind of instinctively knew to do this it’s kind of like I knew
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don’t give them the satisfaction you know that they’re trying to get under your skin you know that they want to get
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some kind of rise out of you you just don’t give it to them because what happens is they get narcissistic Supply
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out of that they love to see you go crazy they love to see you get triggered you just have to do whatever you can not
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to allow yourself to show that and that’s why you really need to have those
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boundaries that’s why you really need to keep your interactions as brief as possible because you know that you’re
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going to get triggered especially if you’ve had a longer term relationship with them they know how to push your but
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buttons they just know exactly what to do to push those buttons so you just try
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to be steadfast you try to be indifferent so here are some good examples they text you they text you
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something where they want some big dramatic response out of you just write
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back K just like the one letter just the letter K or k k something like that you
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know like my teenage daughter will respond like that sometimes I mean she’s not trying to be like gray rock to me
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she’ll just do that to be cute sometimes but you can just do that or you can just say okay if that’s what you want or
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whatever I mean you know just make it clear like I’m not affected by you I am
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so not affected by you I mean I remember one time there was somebody in my family
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who was like really trying to get you know some emotional response going on
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you know you just like put it back on them like oh gez you know I’m sure traveling is really stressful or
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something like that like you just like put it on them like I’m sure you’re really stressed out right now you know
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you don’t even like take it personally at all like I’m sure you’re really stressed out right now you I’m sure you
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you must be going through a really tough time you don’t even make it seem like whatever they’re saying about you has
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anything to do with you at all because a lot of times not only do they get
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narcissistic applied from it they’re also trying to get you to do something that they can then use against you use
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against you for custody Ed against you in court to make it look like you’re
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crazy something like that so you know don’t give that to them because then
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they’ll be able to show the judge the mediator see I told you I told you that
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person is unbalanced or bipolar or whatever it is that there’re
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trying to say about you right so you got to be really really careful about that
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because there it is in black and white you you know you just give them that one time or worse they use it against you
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for a potential restraining order I’ve seen that happen before I mean just that
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one time that you throw that one thing or you slam that door or you yell and
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now the cops are showing up at your house and you’re suddenly getting arrested for domestic violence and there
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it is you don’t want to have that happen you got to stay in control of your
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emotions you got to be that gray rock right and especially because you know if
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they show up at your kids soccer game with that new form of Supply or whatever
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and they want you to say something so bad you just say oh hello to their new
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person how are you so nice to meet you you just smile don’t say a word don’t
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say a word nothing other than that because that is what they want they want
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so much to get under your skin so much think about Ted lasso right I don’t know
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if you guys watched that show but you know I actually have a video by the way on the narcissistic characters in Ted
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lasso which you could definitely check out if You’ like but you know there’s there’s actually a a scene in that show
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where Rebecca’s ex-husband comes in and
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he wants to just tell her about how he has gotten his new girlfriend pregnant
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and you could tell that she’s bothered by the fact that he did that and and he says oh you know I guess I had to you
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know find the right person or something like like that and you know it just so gets under her skin she just doesn’t
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want to let on just don’t let on that’s the right thing to do because that is
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exactly what they want don’t give them the satisfaction don’t let them see you
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sweat so I want you to put that in the comments right now don’t let them see
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you sweat because that’s what they want you know go scream in the shower go cry
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in the shower scream in your pillow do whatever you need to do but you are a
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gray rock in front of their face that’s what you have to do I mean you just
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front of their face you just smile even when they’re gaslighting you and they’re
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saying things you know like we had that conversation and this is how it went I
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want you to smile and say oh you just obviously aren’t remembering correctly
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oh you just must not remember or we remember it differently just say it like that we just remember it differently and
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you know we can agree to disagree and that’s it and you can just smile and walk away the rest of what you want to
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say can just be silent just fill in the blanks silently in your head and you
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don’t have to say it out loud Karma never forgets she’s she’s got a very long memory and Karma always comes back
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around because what goes around comes my dad used to say be careful what you
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throw up in the air because it will come back down on your head and it definitely does you know you can just say like I’m
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sorry feel that way that’s fine you know just because we disagree don’t you don’t
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have to be disagreeable that’s totally fine too and you can fake it I call it
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ethically manipulating the manipulator you don’t have to be anything other than
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whole and in complete and you are planted firmly in your power you know
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who you are and this is you knowing who you are right and yeah it can be
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exhausting it can be draining and that’s why you keep those interactions as brief
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as possible I mean you really don’t want to spend a whole lot of time around this
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person because they do want to drain you they do want to trigger you they’re
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const stly needling you they’re constantly trying to get some kind of
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reaction out of you because that’s what feeds them that’s their food that’s
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their lifeblood that’s their oxygen if they don’t get that then they’re going to try to you know Slither on down the
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road to get it from somebody else it’s their way it’s how they’re built and
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you’re not going to change that you’re never going to change that I recently had a conversation with Marissa Pier
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who’s one of the most renowned therapists in the world she won’t even counsel narcissists she won’t even take
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them in her practice you know why because she knows she can’t change them think about that she knows that there’s
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nothing she can do for them she’ll help the people who’ve been traumatized by
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them because she knows that she can help them she knows that she can do something for them but she can’t help the
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narcissist you know why because they have no self-awareness they can’t be helped they can’t be safe Saed so if the
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therapist who does hypnotherapy who literally trains thousands of therapists
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all over the world cannot help them you cannot help them you can’t do it you
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literally do not have the tools to do it so what can you do when you’re around
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them you can just go gray rock you use that as your Shield you use that as your
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weapon you say okay that’s what you want to think sure I agree with you great
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whatever you just give them nothing because you know why they get bored they
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get bored with a gray rock eventually they’re not interested in the gray rock
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they don’t care about the gray rock anymore they move on from the gray rock
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because they they want Supply they’re not getting it from something that’s not
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giving them any kind of of feedback you know my husband and I used to have somebody in our family who was you know
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like trying to get a rise out of somebody and then as soon as the person would finally be upset like Angry like
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on the verge of tears this person would be like oh now we’re having a conversation all right now we’re getting
32:47
going this is good what yeah but that’s that person that’s what that meant cuz
32:55
that person was finally getting fed you don’t want to be food for a narcissist
33:01
that’s no fun so just you know become a gray rock protect yourself use that as
33:09
your Shield you don’t go to war without weapons you don’t get ahead and battle
33:14
without weapons you don’t go to war without a shield to protect yourself
33:19
right and when you’re in battle with a narcissist you need weapons when you’re
33:26
dealing with a narcissist it’s either black or white that’s how they see
33:32
things you’re either for them or you’re against them when you’re in that discard phase you are definitely against them
33:39
because you become Public Enemy Number One so when it becomes Time to Say
33:46
Goodbye they want to make sure that you go down before they go down they want the whole world to see that you were
33:54
wrong this is when you see the birth of the smear campaign right so you got to
34:00
have protection and your protection will be that gray rock just become a gray
34:07
rock so no more Supply no supply for you
34:12
because you are no longer giving yourself to someone who doesn’t deserve
34:20
it yeah so what advice would you give people to just start like today like I’m
34:26
just so feeling like crap today I’m totally being pummeled uh by that
34:32
narcissist in my life and I just I I don’t even want to even think about eating or the only thing I want to think
34:39
about eating is crap or exercise seems like such a luxury um what what do we do how do we
34:47
start yeah so I have what I call the five minute commitment and that is just
34:52
committing to five minutes for movement whether it be at the gym in a workout area in your house putting on a YouTube
34:59
video whatever that looks like whatever feels good to you to do because you want it to be fun and playful so you just
35:05
commit to five minutes and if after that five minutes you still don’t feel like doing the workout being at the gym you
35:10
just give yourself permission to leave but most of the time and I think you guys can all agree it the hardest part’s
35:16
getting there or starting so once you start doing that once you get there you’re more likely nearly 100% of the
35:24
time to actually stay there and like oh I just needed to get moved I just needed to like get changed I just needed to put
35:29
these like beats in my ears and suddenly you’ve worked out and it’s one of the best workouts you’ve had of the week
35:35
yeah I mean I have found like even for myself you know hey it’s covid so a lot of times you’re just home by yourself or
35:41
whatever and maybe it’s just you and your kids or whatever put on like some kind of dance music just say know Alexa
35:48
put on dance music then not say that too loud or it’s gonna
35:53
happen on Bieber yeah yeah what fun and
35:58
then you just like dance a little bit and who cares no one’s gon to see you and it just gets like the blood flowing
36:04
and the juices flowing you suddenly you just feel better like because you just had like five minutes of fun right and
36:11
if you’ve got little kids or whatever just have them joining the dance party too my kids love doing that we set up
36:17
circuits so like one of us will have weights one has a band and then the other one has like boxing gloves so of
36:22
course my son loves to just you know goes for I’m like full song you got to go for a full song and he’s like oh by
36:27
the end you know these are heavy yeah but it’s like fun right um okay so
36:34
somebody has a question Lynn has a question what about timing in the day like early in the day versus the
36:40
afternoons what do you think about that sure I mean obviously there are better times of day to workout based on
36:46
hormones and metabolism and things like that but here’s the thing the workout the best time of day to work out is the
36:52
one that’s going to get done so if you know based on what you’ve observed in your patterns and the way that you
36:57
operate oh end of the day I tend to be very tired and I just want to relax or the kids are home or dinner needs to be
37:04
made there’s a lot of things going on then chances are that’s probably not a good time for you to work out uh or even
37:10
after dinner maybe you’re having trouble unwinding so knowing that you’re going to support yourself in getting in a
37:15
workout that feels really good the best time might be the morning so I would say the best time that supports you based on
37:21
the time you’re most likely to do it is going to benefit you the most yeah and it might even be like in
37:27
between things like especially if you’re working from home or whatever like you know maybe you just kind of put a timer
37:34
on your phone and you go after an hour I’m gonna get up I’m gonna go get some water I’m gonna go like you know and
37:40
then just like dance for a little bit or or walk your dog or you know even yeah
37:46
you can do time blocking that definitely helps especially where there’s more gray area with us working from home um you
37:52
know it’s it’s been that’s actually been a really tough adjustment mentally and emotionally for a lot of people because
37:59
this the feelings they’ve already had and things that they were kind of sitting with they were able to busy themselves and go places and do things
38:06
and now it’s just sort of you know amplifying the things that are already there such as oh I find myself in my
38:11
pantry 10 times a day and I’m not even hungry or I have no boundaries because I don’t have a home office and
38:17
everything’s just sort of blurring together so doing the time blocking May really support a schedule and routine
38:23
again that just energetically lets you shift into different modes so that’s a a great Point Rebecca yeah okay and so how
38:30
about food like what would you suggest about eating yeah you know because a lot
38:35
of people are like you know I don’t have money to buy like everything organic or whatever like what would you suggest
38:41
about that yeah so I teach a lot based on the principles of intuitive eating and so the cool thing is is that I teach
38:48
you to listen to yourself and identify what is self what is that voice so for example it would look like if you’re in
38:55
the pantry or if you’re in the refrigerator just having a a pattern interrupt and so
39:00
that looks like step one of do I want food right now am I hungry and the answer maybe yes maybe no but if the
39:06
answer is yes then you get to honor that so that’s step one just having a pattern interrupt then it becomes what do I want
39:12
to have so in that moment it’s like okay am I just trying to eat something out of
39:18
convenience here that might be a little bit more carb heavy that’s not super nutrient dense um or do I have a little
39:24
extra time here that I can support myself knowing that I’m going to feel better after I eat a salad energetically with some protein and healthy fats on
39:31
there so um really again being intentional and tapping in and asking self uh what is it in this moment that
39:38
would support me and what feels good and what about like having and that’s great advice by the way and it’s
39:44
like so much easier than like okay you have to go out and buy all this like certain diet food or whatever right but
39:51
what what about like for like a grab and go or like a an easy sort of a thing
39:57
like because to me like sometimes I think oh you know I should eat a salad but I don’t feel like making like it’s
40:03
just like a lot of work right so what what would be good well I love this
40:08
because it’s really a simple preframe like it’s just an adjustment here so I actually had a client time for me she
40:14
goes oh Uber Eats is just more convenient I said okay well let’s time it from the moment you sit down with your husband and decide on what you’re
40:20
going to eat and get it to your door versus having food already in your refrigerator you can grab and go and
40:27
just cook what’s shorter turns out cooking was shorter and so it was actually more convenient but we have
40:33
this idea that ordering food because we’re not making it is more convenient so choose which convenient you want to
40:39
Anchor into the other thing is really just again adjusting the framework around what is a fast food fast food is
40:47
typically a drive-thru or maybe you think of McDonald’s maybe you think of Starbucks or something that you grab at a gas station like a dut or a hot dog or
40:54
something but if you look around I challenge you to actually look at the other fast foods because most gas
41:00
stations have bananas and apples and hardboiled eggs so it’s really just oh wait this is equally as fast but I’m
41:07
actually choosing this other societally labeled like fast food right so just a
41:13
simple pre-frame totally I love that I love that and and it is true I mean
41:18
there are times that you go into the gas station or whatever there’s a whole stack of bananas there right I mean it’s definely they’re always right there and
41:25
you’re like I’m gonna go get this but like the nachos are right there yeah
41:31
um I’m loving Michael is saying fight off proc procrastination the right time is now I love that um and I want to
41:38
acknowledge Nikki who also said that she attended my 2hour as well awes how
41:44
awesome is that you are the best okay so Lynn is
41:50
asking um about some good protein choices what would you say about that
41:56
yeah I mean again if you enjoy certain proteins and it’s easy for you to cook
42:01
then go for those um I am again like in the vein of like if you’re going to eat it and you enjoy it you’re more likely
42:07
to continue that and if you’re likely to continue that you create consistency sustainability and you keep doing it
42:13
because it feels good and it’s easy because I want to set you up for Success so the protein that you get to eat is
42:18
the ones that you like and you get to be creative with it um so again ones that I
42:24
love are salmon I just love to bake that in the oven wrapped in some foil you can put it over a bed of just you know
42:30
Julianne carrots um you can also do some baked chicken or do Crock-Pot chicken or instant pot whatever is again I’m not
42:37
fancy in the kitchen I’m just like s whatever’s whatever’s easy um but those are my go-tos and I love having tacos so
42:44
I will do like an organic ground beef with tacos and whip it up with like avocado and all of the yummy goodness
42:50
black beans and put it in a nice whole wheat wrap I love that that sounds so good okay so um um somebody is asking
42:58
what do you think of Keto diets yeah I mean I think it depends on the person do certain diets work yeah
43:06
until they don’t right so it’s the key is and the reason why um we want to
43:13
perhaps Seer away from a specific diet is if we can’t see oursel doing it forever literally it’s probably going to
43:20
be temporary then and if it’s going to be temporary what do you think will happen after you’re done with that diet
43:26
you will either see seek another one or there will be this kind of roller coaster effect where you were either on or off so for that reason I I really
43:33
don’t advise clients to go into any diet unless of course there is I have to say the doctor’s orders or some other
43:39
medical disclaimer around like something specific that you are trying to uh work through with medical support but um yeah
43:46
diets don’t work because they they work until they don’t yeah it’s so hard to
43:52
stay on them right and that’s the point yeah so you create a sustainable lifestyle maybe take some things if you
43:58
like keto and you feel good doing this or you feel good doing that and just kind of custom build what feels good to
44:03
you you’re going to keep doing it and man that feels so much more liberating than like the shackles of I can’t have
44:09
this and I can’t have that and operating from the space of just um obedience I
44:14
know my husband always says I need black and white I need to know I can eat this I can’t eat that you know like um okay
44:22
so uret I hope I’m saying that right uret where are you from uret I want to know where you’re from um so she says I
44:30
think it’s a she but she says um I like to cook but sometimes I’m too depressed
44:35
to cook and that makes sense because you know I know what you’re dealing with right so um she goes I know I’m when I
44:43
cook I make better quality food than anything I can order and there’s less rubbish but what would you say to her
44:49
yeah well first I just want to send you so much love and thank you for sharing that and you know we just support you in
44:54
this moment that is challenging and and just some space for you there um but I would if you’re able to either two
45:01
things um music that makes you feel good really good Harmon so put something that
45:07
feels good on uh and can maybe help you shift your mood and another thing I would encourage you to do is maybe just
45:13
to kind of put your hand on your heart and I’m I’m very spiritual and I guide
45:18
my clients do it right now with you yeah we can just close our eyes and we can connect to our heart center and I want
45:24
you to actually step into who’s watching right now do it with us okay I want to see that you’re doing it
45:30
amazing so hand on heart you’re gonna close your eyes and as you close your eyes I want you to look down towards
45:36
your heart center because we’re looking away from our thoughts of what we think we are right this identity these
45:42
feelings just look down towards your heart and then you can anchor into the feeling of how good it feels after you
45:48
know you’ve cooked so if you know that experience right just like it feels good to go to the gym that moment after you
45:55
finish the workout accomplish success contentment support selflove
46:01
feel that before the experience occurs and you’re more likely to just close the
46:06
gap there beautiful so beautiful so uh Michael is also suggesting meal prep
46:14
like especially for when I’m getting um my little one on my days off it works out so much better when having a toddler
46:20
so that’s a great suggestion Michael as well um okay let’s see if we have uh any
46:26
other questions um somebody Nikki is saying dance like nobody’s
46:33
watching if people are last F too yeah oh c saying Rebecca is my hero you are
46:40
my hero you guys all watching are my heroes because the fact that you’re showing up over here and you’re trying
46:46
to help yourself that means that you have taken steps to better yourself that
46:52
you are taking steps to break free and create a new life for yourself so you
46:57
guys are the heroes truly um and the fact that you’re here listening to Carrie and like picking up ways to take
47:04
care of yourself acknowledge yourself for that because that takes so much especially when you’re stuck in these
47:10
relationships so yeah um really really awesome you know I grew up pretty poor
47:16
my mom was a single mom with four kids working three jobs for a bit we lived in
47:21
a trailer behind my grandparents home in Wester Massachusetts and just from age
47:26
N9 or 10 I started with a paper root and then got into busing tables and then
47:32
waitressing and then bartending really building up a skill set in sales you
47:37
know and customer service uh through my my teen years and that led me to getting
47:44
into sales when I finally graduated college and going to work for the Gallow Winery and just taking this drive and
47:51
want to create revenue and access Revenue because that had been our struggle you you know at at a younger
47:57
age for me that really became my total focus in business yeah and you were
48:04
really like driven you were really driven to like get over that poverty and
48:11
make money and you also had success early in your career like by the age of
48:17
24 you were already really successful tell us about
48:22
that so it was an interesting way that I fell into but I I graduated college went
48:29
to work at the Gallow Winery outworked everybody became the number one seller on the team and was promoted to Brand
48:35
manager for the state and I ended up being sexually harassed uh by my new boss and I wasn’t confident at the time
48:41
so I just quit the job and went out looking for something new to escape a really bad situation at work and I met a
48:49
great gentleman who ended up being my number one business Mentor took me under his wing and taught me the radio
48:55
business uh with within a year and so I had become his number one seller we were
49:00
killing it together things were going great at work and I came home one day
49:06
and my boyfriend whom now that I look back on probably was a narcissist had cheated on me I moved out I did not have
49:13
family near me anymore I was completely devastated I went to work and my boss
49:19
saw that something was really wrong with me he sat down to hear what was going on and after I told him he said would you
49:26
be willing to board a plane with me sight unseen move somewhere I’m not going to tell you where only if you’re
49:33
willing to go to make a name for yourself and make a lot of money I’ll have you be my Equity partner and I was
49:39
you know very young I was in my early 20s 22 21 years old I don’t remember anymore and I said yes because to me I
49:47
want to escape this situation of having to run into the boyfriend that broke my heart and you know I just wanted to get
49:53
out of a negative environment however at the time I didn’t know it you know I was kneed deep in what I thought was an
49:59
awful situation and you can’t see these things in the moment you can only see them when you look back on your life but
50:05
these dots connect to taking me down a path that I never would have gone on had
50:10
this man not cheated on me and it ended up being this huge blessing that he gave me which me into my career so I jumped
50:16
on a plane with my mentor sight unseen and he dropped me off in Saga Michigan
50:23
which if you’ve never been to Saga you know I’ve been living right outside of Boston um for years and I was not used
50:31
to a rural community they used to call me LA because I had a full set of teeth that was kind of the joke when I got to
50:37
town so it was definitely it was a new experience but I was there you know he
50:44
was clear with me on expectations you’re there to create revenue and accelerate Revenue as fast as you can we bought an
50:50
operation a $25 million company and my job was to accelerate revenues for the
50:55
organization as quickly as I could so we could flip the company and net a profit for myself and for my partners I was a
51:02
very small Equity partner my partners had more share in the organization but I was the only one living at the operation
51:09
in Michigan and I would just communicate with my boss you know my partner on the phone at night and on the weekends and I
51:15
worked seven days a week for two and a half years and greatly accelerated revenues such that we sold that company
51:22
for $55 million in under three years netting myself and my partners a $30
51:28
million profit and really putting my name on the map in the media business as
51:33
a revenue generator total
51:38
badass or or I don’t know or total crazy girl that gave up years right I made a
51:44
lot of sacrifice those years where my friends were getting married and going on vacations and starting to have kids
51:49
you know and in their mid 20s and I was I was working so it’s definitely choices
51:55
and um a commitment to certain goals but it paid off it it definitely gave me what I wanted which was Financial
52:02
Freedom well but did you get married and have kids in that time frame too or
52:07
no no years later I got married for a very short window of time had one child
52:13
and that was a wrap and that was what that was a wrap a
52:20
w one and done one child yeah okay yeah okay and um um okay and so
52:28
then what happened something happened in your career then at that point I decided to take a step backwards
52:36
in order to LEAP forwards I went to a publicly traded company in Naples Florida because I saw an opportunity
52:44
within a much lar larger organization and like many companies they might not feel comfortable until they trust and
52:50
know someone bringing them in at a higher level so I took a big step backwards financially title wise
52:56
responsibility wise just in this belief that okay I’m going to go down there show them what I can do they’ll see
53:02
quickly and they’ll Elevate me quickly and that did end up happening I um I was responsible initially for one of their
53:08
small markets Naples Florida and after I did fun the way because like I was
53:14
living in AES Florida at the same time which is so crazy it’s so ironic that we were both
53:20
there at the same time and didn’t know each other I um I turned that marketplace around this was a National
53:26
media company I turned that marketplace around what was the company by the way oh Beasley Media Group oh yeah I
53:34
knew it had to be Beasley I knew it had to be Beasley I think I knew people who who
53:39
were working there at the time by the way oh my gosh it’s a small world my
53:45
friend it really is yeah totally so I called the president of the company I
53:52
had him meet me for lunch we sat down for lunch and I pitched him on a position that I thought would add
53:58
tremendous value to the company make him look amazing Drive revenue and income for the shareholders and value for the
54:04
shareholders and he said no so I I didn’t have a child back then I you know I didn’t have a lot of responsibility so
54:10
I started Dialing for other opportunities I landed another really big job back in Boston I called the
54:16
president of the company again and we met again for lunch and I said have you thought about my idea and he said I have
54:23
but I really like you and the position you’re in and I said well then resigning today I’m going to take this really big job in Boston and he said what hang on
54:31
and he left the restaurant came back in five minutes later and said I’m here to award you the newly created position for
54:38
the company VP of sales and I said wait a minute where did you just go and he
54:43
said oh I had to go call my father I am not empowered to make decisions like that on my own and he taught me such a
54:49
powerful lesson that day that don’t ever take a no from someone who can’t give
54:55
you a yes and qualify decision makers before you go into a meeting because in the end once that proposal was put in
55:02
front of the right person I did get the yes and I got promoted oh yeah so but
55:08
then there’s something that happened I want to get to the narcissist in your
55:14
life the sneaky narcissist yeah as I kept getting promoted and and the CEO I
55:19
worked for was a male the president of the company was a male however the only other peer um from the executive level
55:26
that was a female was our CFO and along the way the higher I would rise the less
55:32
and less she would like me right at first it was oh great happy to have you here as you know I entered into the
55:38
executive team but then I got promoted to Executive Vice President then I got promoted to Chief Revenue officer and
55:43
she and I were at the exact same level and during that time I thought to myself
55:49
I’m making her a little uncomfortable I could sense that there was something that she liked less and less about me
55:55
and so I started somewhat turning a blind eye to her bad behavior passive aggressive not responding to emails not
56:02
including me in meetings I should be included in and instead of owning my voice and oh and by the way that is so
56:09
that is so covert narcissist Behavior passive aggressiveness is total covert
56:15
narcissist behavior and then when you call them out on you know not including
56:20
you on meetings it’s like Oh I thought that I had included you you know and it’s like that plaus
56:27
deniability oh I didn’t include you on that oh I thought I did you know that sort of thing um you know where where
56:34
you know oh and and everybody else thinks that they’re super nice so you you know that they at least the ones
56:42
that I had dealt with oh yeah because this person definitely treated me differently than
56:48
she treated other people I mean she would enter into a meeting and and almost hug people and welcome them and
56:54
when I would walk in she she wouldn’t even say hello or acknowledge my presence and you know over time I
57:01
started noticing it was chipping away at my confidence I was becoming more of a bate version of myself because I felt so
57:08
uncomfortable entering into these situations even just a a basic meeting I
57:13
always felt you know as the odd man out however I had really allowed that to happen by turning a blind eye to her
57:20
behavior not acknowledging it and finally one day I woke up and I just said I’ve had enough of this you know in
57:25
my own mind I I I want to just I want to stop I want to stop you there because that is so so important you’re like
57:31
you’re you’re saying stuff that’s so so important that I want to like mention because they condition you and and what
57:39
you’re saying is something that I want to make sure that I highlight for people that they understand it’s that
57:45
conditioning because when you’re a person who is an empathic person a good person a nice person a normal person a
57:52
normal person it’s like you’re not sure if you should say something you’re not sure if you should bring it up and it’s
57:59
like is it is it something that you should like call out you know is it
58:04
something big enough that you should say you know you don’t want to make waves so you don’t end up you know calling it out
58:11
and then you end up kind of almost being conditioned and um that person oh look I
58:18
got away with it I got away with this I got away with that and then it happens again and again like over time and you
58:24
end up sort of being condition um you know I I I got away with not um
58:31
inviting her to this meeting I got away with um not including her on that email
58:36
I got away with this and then you know over time it was several things that
58:43
happened but you were conditioned over time and that’s what they end up doing is this conditioning um where you were
58:53
um allowing this to happen but not like intentionally allowing it to happen I
59:00
mean and that’s what I want people to understand it’s like you know people feel bad about themselves or they feel
59:06
like you know oh how did I let this happen how did it h you know but it’s
59:12
like because it’s like these little things it’s like death by a Thousand Cuts you know it’s like do I do I say
59:19
something about that little thing oh I wasn’t included on this email that seems so stupid like to bring that up you know
59:26
I was like but then it’s these little things over time and so I just want to make sure that I highlight this because
59:33
this is so typical especially of a covert narcissist and you know what’s
59:38
interesting to that point and thank you for highlighting that is that I would also reach out to people around her to
59:44
say am I crazy I would go to her brother who I had a better relationship with and say am I crazy I feel like she just
59:50
keeps cutting me out what’s going on because I was looking for some validation or Clarity I truly felt so so
59:56
confused I didn’t want to think the worst especially earlier on the longer it went on the more clearer it became to
1:00:02
me but I would go to her brother and he would say oh you know her she’s she’s she’s being annoying she’s probably
1:00:07
jealous don’t worry you know women he would say that too you know women can’t put two women together yes and that’s what they do and they just sort of poo
1:00:14
poo it and and and you think you’re going crazy and by the way they end up they’re like watching you they’re just
1:00:21
observing you all the time they’re watching you watching you watching you and they almost like want to become you
1:00:28
they almost like want to like they have this like fixation and this obsession over you because they’re so like um in
1:00:36
in some ways there’s an admiration of you at the same time as at
1:00:42
the same time that they’re super jealous of you that’s the you know was my experience of it as well oh it’s so true
1:00:49
and you know it’s funny I look back earlier in my career when I first came to the company this woman was such an
1:00:55
introvert the typical CFO you would think of you know literally with a calculator running around not speaking
1:01:00
to anyone I’m very much an extrovert leading a sales organization so I’m forward facing my job is to communicate
1:01:07
and and and make people feel comfortable and create relationships so we were complete opposites however during my
1:01:12
tenure and as I would advance I started noticing wow she’s starting to give speeches at meetings that’s weird she’s
1:01:19
dressing differently that’s weird I didn’t notice it until one day I will never forget she was winning some award
1:01:25
I was was at the event and and I thought to myself wow I’m an obious woman she is
1:01:31
nothing she doesn’t look like act like speak like dress like the person I met here 10 years ago so I went up to her to
1:01:37
ask I said listen I’ve got to ask you a question you’ve literally like a flower
1:01:42
I’ve seen you when you were closed when I got here open up and Bloom before my very eyes as another woman in business
1:01:48
and I was a little bit younger than her I said could you give me some advice how can I follow along your path and try to
1:01:55
learn in in my way how I could you know ex expand myself and she looked at me
1:02:01
and said I have no idea what you’re talking about and I remember that cocktail party and then she said but if
1:02:07
I come up with any idea that something hits me I’ll let you know in the future and I said okay and I remember leaving
1:02:13
feeling bad about myself that evening and thinking Heather here you are thinking she did some special thing she
1:02:20
was just being herself which left me feeling like I’m I don’t have that in within me however fast forward a couple
1:02:26
of years I was a lot smarter I was more exposed to the world and I had friends who were running at a much higher level
1:02:32
and they started telling me I hired a publicist Heather I heard hired a personal shopper I hired a stylist I
1:02:38
hired a speaking coach I hired an executive coach my friends started telling me everything that this woman
1:02:44
had been doing right before me but she instead of like my friends telling me they’re doing it she was trying to keep
1:02:50
it a secret and make me think that I’m crazy yeah so she didn’t want you to have the Secret Sauce of course right
1:02:58
yeah she’s not going to tell you because she doesn’t want you to be better but then so obvious now yeah but
1:03:08
then what did she end up doing well I ended up um in you know she
1:03:13
was my peer so there really wasn’t anything she could do to me for a long time her father became ill and she
1:03:20
became inim CEO which means you’re somewhat have the title but you don’t have all the power she would still have
1:03:26
to defer to the ultimate CEO chairman for approval on certain things so she made my life a living hell basically in
1:03:33
the next year I launched a personal brand um forward- facing you know I I made all my profiles public in an effort
1:03:41
to try to attract talent to the company I was always trying to recruit new and better people that made my life easier
1:03:47
and so this was a strategy I implemented which was brilliant at the time you know no one was doing it in my industry I was
1:03:53
attracting so much talent to the company but at the same same time I was turning
1:03:58
my light up right I was getting notice I started winning more Awards I started getting asked to speak on bigger stages
1:04:04
and she hated that and so she had the GC contact me threatening me that you can’t
1:04:10
have a personal brand it’s a conflict of interest read your contract and I had already done my due diligence I had
1:04:16
hired an attorney I knew that I had every right to do this and I would put whatever verbiage they wanted on you
1:04:21
know I would address it was just so ridiculous that I was every day you know being basically attacked for doing
1:04:28
nothing wrong so in the end she ended up getting the ultimate title CEO when her father became ill enough and when that
1:04:35
happened she fired me immediately fired you like boom like that you had made so much money for the
1:04:41
company and did all this stuff and yeah just fired you and then she she said there was no
1:04:49
no need for my position any longer so the company no longer needed me yeah and
1:04:54
then so how did you feel like tell us about that you went home and
1:04:59
what it was a horrible situation but I was so sick of being bullied by this woman that on our last meeting where she
1:05:06
actually did terminate me I pulled the rug out from underneath her I was so sick of being bullied in her really
1:05:13
passive aggressive way that she tried to pressure me in the meeting to sign a non-d disparaging agreement to protect
1:05:19
herself and protect her company to ensure I never shared any of the things that I share now publicly and I refused
1:05:26
it I said I said I’m not interested and and you know you standing there trying to hold a paycheck over me doesn’t work
1:05:33
anymore and to see her face change physically the color the complete
1:05:39
dynamic in the room was changed instantaneously when I declined her offer and stood up with a lot of class
1:05:45
and walked out without getting angry without getting mad of course I got to my car and I was balling my eyes out
1:05:51
because I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills but in that moment I took back all the comp confidence that I had
1:05:56
lost over those years and I felt so proud of myself yeah and I want to point out to
1:06:02
everybody you just like sucked her leverage away like because she wanted that like she wanted to see you squirm
1:06:10
she wanted to see you know that to hold that power over you and you just suck
1:06:17
that away from her and I love the fact that you didn’t show that like emotion
1:06:23
in front of her which is something that I tell people all the time like you know get to your car scream cry whatever in
1:06:30
your pillow at home in your shower whatever but in that moment you know you were like no don’t give them that power
1:06:38
in that moment right so you get home and
1:06:43
I I you know I heard you say like you were like under a weighted blanket for like whatever you know like you felt
1:06:49
like uh the world had come to an end but it turned out to be the best thing that
1:06:55
ever happened to you so talk about that it did the first thing once I came to
1:07:01
and came out from the weighted blanket and crying was I decided no one knows I’m fired she was keeping it a secret
1:07:07
right and so I thought you know what I’m gonna go promote that I’ve been fired which a lot of people thought was crazy
1:07:13
told me not to do it I checked in with the one voice that counts your own and to me I said for me this is the right
1:07:19
thing I’m going to reframe getting fired and I googled who is successful that’s been fired turns out JK owling Oprah
1:07:26
Mark Cuban Steve Jobs the list goes on and on I decided to see it as in good
1:07:32
company right this is the level you want to roll at you need to get fired so I posted I’ve just been fired it’s a
1:07:39
really challenging situation if I’ve ever helped you I need to hear from you now and I asked for help and that post
1:07:45
went viral landed me on the Elvis Duran Show and halfway through that interview he said to me obviously you’re writing a
1:07:52
book Heather but I wasn’t you know I hadn’t thought anything out yet and so
1:07:57
him believing in me and transferring that confidence in me led me to Google how do you write a book and all I have
1:08:04
to do is sit down and write and I knew I could do that so uh five months later I launched confidence Creator which one it
1:08:10
went number one on the Amazon business biography list and at the time Donald Trump was president and it moved his
1:08:15
book to number two um so I trumped Trump for number one in the business biography list the first week my book came out so
1:08:22
awesome I want to just briefly talk about your fds because I think that
1:08:29
these are so good yeah yep so it’s the 5Ds in a relationship but it’s not it
1:08:37
these 5DS can apply to any relationship
1:08:42
it can apply to a work relationship yeah and the first one is distort so so these
1:08:48
are the five DS that are negative forces in a relationship yep so so
1:08:57
distort that D what does it do it tells lies it it plants negative thoughts in
1:09:07
in you right it makes you think negative things so the thing that I always say
1:09:12
and so let’s apply it to your relationship I you could think oh you
1:09:17
know he doesn’t love me anymore he doesn’t think I’m pretty well that’s
1:09:22
Distortion right you those are lies those are it’s the lies that you’re just
1:09:28
listening to negative lies and so speak truth to the lies right the minute you
1:09:34
start hearing those kind of things coming in speak truth just just you know I literally the minute I do that
1:09:40
sometimes I even verbally go stop and I’ll I’ll say something
1:09:45
positive to myself or I’ll think a positive thought does that make sense so you’ve got we we are meaning making
1:09:52
machines right we we make things mean things that are that they don’t mean that yeah yeah
1:10:00
you know so yeah that’s a big one so Distortion in a in in a relationship in
1:10:06
any relationship is not good and the next one is discourage okay so your
1:10:13
distortions can turn into discouragement oh
1:10:18
um I’m not good enough for him like you know so you start to play this thing into in your mind I’m not worried worthy
1:10:26
so no then you need to turn it around encourage yourself you know
1:10:33
um again encourage your partner so it may be that it’s your partner like I
1:10:40
said he you know he wanted to come in I wanted to cut him down and discourage
1:10:46
him but instead I encouraged him so you’ve got to turn that one around so
1:10:52
first D is distort second D is discourage and the third one is doubt right so lies
1:10:59
and discouragement lead to doubt to doubt yourself to doubt God’s plan for
1:11:08
you you know to to to doubt your direction to doubt the
1:11:15
the um love that your partner might have for you so the way to counter doubt is
1:11:22
through trust so when John had shared with me that he um you know had done the
1:11:30
sin Fidelity at that point I can continue to doubt I could the minute he was going out I could have doubted him
1:11:36
but for me I knew that I had to trust now when I say that I’m not saying trust
1:11:43
without something to back it up they need to give you something to trust right but just make sure it’s not things
1:11:49
you’re kind of just you know coming up with in your own head and the fourth D is ract and this is such a big one
1:11:58
because um think about it you know if you are
1:12:05
busy or your partner’s busy say you’re busy doing all the things that you need to do to take care of your household or
1:12:11
take care of the kids or make money and you’re feeling you know kind of unappreciated and all of a sudden
1:12:17
somebody kind of comes into your life that tells you how wonderful you are are how you know amaz you know it’s dist
1:12:25
action or you know a lot of times for men well and women it can be pornography
1:12:30
can be pornography you know something that distracts you and just seem shiny
1:12:36
and bright you know and you know distraction from your relationship you need to be careful of that because you
1:12:42
know that there’s that whole saying if the devil doesn’t make you busy you’re
1:12:47
right if the devil doesn’t make you bad he’ll make you busy so it’s a
1:12:53
distraction and then the fifth one is divide and that divide if it’s in a
1:13:01
relationship or in a marriage I should say the Divide means divorce and so you
1:13:08
have to guard yourself against those 5DS and so it’s about counteracting each
1:13:15
one of them um and the Divide again if you two are connected as a
1:13:21
couple you can you can really negate a lot lot of that it’s when you you’re
1:13:27
it’s when you’re not United again it’s when you’re doing the I and not the we so those are the five
1:13:34
D’s right and again you know we stress obviously if you are in an abusive
1:13:40
relationship if you are in a situation where your partner is a narcissist
1:13:46
right and not willing to change and and and being verbally or emotionally
1:13:52
abusive to you then clear and not willing to be a we
1:13:58
right and in that case then that then you need to walk away from the relationship and I’m not one to say you
1:14:06
know leave the relationship leave the relationship but there are deal breakers
1:14:11
and exactly what you just named those are deal breakers if you’re not W if they’re not willing to change if they’re
1:14:17
not willing to look at themselves if they’re not willing to be
1:14:22
honest right that’s huge um here’s an example um and it can be
1:14:29
you know you come up with your own guidelines but say say your partner has
1:14:35
cheated on you or has shown that they’ve been
1:14:41
distracted maybe maybe for trust for building
1:14:46
trust you’re you can look at their phone now some people might think that’s a violation but you know what if that’s
1:14:53
something that you to negotiate and say you know what it just would make me feel better until I can trust you one
1:14:59
of the things that John did do I got to tell you I persecuted him and rightly so I
1:15:08
mean I was so hurt and I felt very very
1:15:14
um deceived right so when John really W he was working towards being in the
1:15:21
relationship and being a good partner um I I was allowed to look at his phone
1:15:28
whenever I wanted to and I you know hand it over and now some people might feel like oh well that’s a VI you know that
1:15:34
and it so for me it was very important you know
1:15:39
it was very important for me to look and see what was going on because I needed to build that
1:15:45
trust so you know your partner has to be willing to do and you know you have to
1:15:51
negotiate those together yeah depending on what they are what does that mean for you and and one of the things that I
1:15:58
like is that you have this list of things like what is you know a perfect
1:16:04
partner for you and I think that that’s an important thing for people okay if
1:16:11
they’re not going to stay in this relationship what does that look like
1:16:16
going forward you know and in some ways it’s sort of a manifestation exercise
1:16:21
yeah you know I I always say I did my best relationship work when I was not in
1:16:28
a relationship so I mean I dated some real winners before I met
1:16:36
John and um wow I dated an incredible incredible
1:16:44
narcissist um he he was a piece of work but I mean he brought me to my knees I
1:16:49
mean there was a lot of pain and a lot of crying but I I I I was able to work
1:16:55
on myself a lot and I think that’s why when John started exhibiting these
1:17:02
behaviors I didn’t cave and I didn’t fold and I
1:17:09
didn’t uh get go down because I saw it for what it was and I had done enough
1:17:16
work on myself where I’m like hey that’s not okay this behavior is not okay and
1:17:23
I’m having to teach my daughter that you know she actually got into a relationship with a narcissist and um I
1:17:30
watched as he started to look better and do better the more she kept feeding into
1:17:37
him this guy ended up like I mean it was amazing to see the transformation in him
1:17:43
and it was sickening to see the transformation in my daughter she
1:17:48
absolutely did not look like herself she didn’t act like herself it was a really
1:17:54
sad thing it was almost like he sucked the lifeblood out of her you know so
1:18:00
yeah I saw it in my daughter as well yeah so you have to be you have to be careful of that so you should always be
1:18:06
working on yourself and yeah I I listen I make a list make a list of of what’s
1:18:12
important to you in a relationship and pay attention some of this is really basic right but we forget because we get
1:18:18
so taken back by maybe the good looks or the Charisma you know um it’s the same
1:18:25
thing that I tell my kids you know when they were going to school I used to say if you are in a group of people or
1:18:31
you’re with somebody and you walk away and you don’t feel good they’re not your
1:18:36
people they’re not your people so you always have to pay attention to that yeah so it’s very important to do the
1:18:42
work on yourself when you’re not relationship yeah one of my favorite things to say is stop trying to make
1:18:49
stop trying to make not your people your people right yeah I mean and so you have
1:18:55
the four C’s which I love for you know
1:19:00
if if if you don’t have it in your current relationship then you know I think it’s
1:19:06
totally a deal breaker and you know this is something that you definitely want in your next relationship so talk about
1:19:13
that and I think that that’s like a good way for us to wrap up okay so the first
1:19:18
four first of the four C’s is communicate I said it I’ve said it a couple times in this interview I’m going
1:19:24
to say it again communicate communicate communicate where there’s a void in negativity I mean where there’s a void
1:19:31
in communication negativity will fill it so I always like to encourage couples to
1:19:40
find a time that works for you so I knew with my husband right when he was
1:19:46
walking in the door was not a good time to try to communicate with him so find your sweet spot and and i’ I’ve had to
1:19:53
find that with my kids what the best time to talk to them where they really open up to me so
1:19:59
communicate um one of the things you can do is as a couple ask your spouse or ask
1:20:05
your partner on a scale of one to 10 how do I communicate and what would make it
1:20:11
a 10 right that’s an easy one so the next C is
1:20:17
connect and you have to communicate to connect and um again that sounds like an
1:20:26
OB obvious one but think about it when you get really busy with work and with kids and you know maybe starting a new
1:20:32
business whatever it is you don’t take as much time to connect so try to find a time that works for you all to connect
1:20:39
now one of the things that I did uh with my husband is we would take a walk and I
1:20:46
gotta tell you sometimes these walks I would end up we would fight we would fight but by the end of the walk we
1:20:53
ended up working out a lot so sometimes it’s just about that movement and the
1:20:58
talking that we were able to to talk a lot and one of the things that I highly
1:21:04
recommend that people do with their family is a family meeting once a week
1:21:11
we would get together with our children and sit around the table and I’m going to tell you something it was not easy
1:21:17
there were times we’d go family or would say family meeting or maybe I would start it depending and you know the eyes
1:21:23
would roll and everybody had to put their phones down but Rebecca I’m going to tell you something it was fascinating
1:21:31
to me uh John or I would bring something to the table to read a lot of times it
1:21:37
might be maybe scripture or an article that somebody had written and it never
1:21:43
failed that something one of us was going through you know we wouldn’t know
1:21:48
the kids were experiencing this article would just open up the channels for us to have a conversation and it made our
1:21:56
family Dynamic and our connection with each other so strong we became such a
1:22:02
stronger family the only regret that I have about family meetings is I didn’t start soon enough so even if it’s just
1:22:09
you and your spouse or your mate do it so that’s communicate connect and the
1:22:16
next one is commit commit to your relationship commit to work on it commit
1:22:23
to and it could be little things so you know there’s been a study that if you
1:22:29
can the strongest relationships are when each of the partners take time to listen
1:22:36
to their spouse or help them with something and I’m talking little things so John might be writing an article and
1:22:44
he might call me into his office and say hey can you just read this real quick and I’m gonna tell you something last thing I want to do is sit down at that
1:22:51
moment and read through his article but I know it’s important to him and so I’ll
1:22:57
take that five minutes to sit and read the article and give my input so it’s committing to the relationship it might
1:23:04
mean going to a company party with your spouse when you really have no desire to
1:23:10
hang out with the the work you know the work people so commit to your
1:23:16
relationship and then the last one is care show you care you know
1:23:22
um isn’t it funny how a lot of times in relationship um our spouse is like the
1:23:29
last one we give the love to and we kind of talked about that in the in in the 5Ds too but showing that you care about
1:23:36
them you know that you you that you care about the relationship
1:23:42
so and that’s the whole we it’s we not me so those are the the four C’s
1:23:50
communicate connect commit and care and those apply to not just Intimate
1:23:57
Relationships again can comply apply to work relationships you know any of that
1:24:03
friendships yep yeah yeah absolutely eight ways to remain unfaced untriggered
1:24:10
by those big hairy bullies themselves well they might not be hairy but they’re
1:24:16
definitely bullies I know I’ve been dealing with them a lot all my life but
1:24:22
I definitely know how to remain triggered and unfaced by them at this point because I have seen them I’ve seen
1:24:30
them all I’ve seen the worst of them in my law practice in my coaching practice
1:24:36
and in dealing with them and now all over the world I’ve helped lots and lots of you millions of you through this
1:24:45
Channel and I know how to help you too so number one steal boundaries steal
1:24:53
boundaries make sure you set and establish clear boundaries one of the
1:24:58
things I say if you want to make that power switch you want to turn it all around step one don’t run step two make
1:25:04
a U-turn step three Break Free you want to turn it around I know you do you want to stop being on the defensive you want
1:25:10
to start being on the offensive if you want to do that you need to establish set and establish clear boundaries
1:25:17
protect yourself from that manipulation tactic you want to stop those fumes from
1:25:23
coming in that those toxic fumes you’re breathing toxic air constantly if you
1:25:29
want to start to heal you want to start to move on then you’ve got to set limits
1:25:35
on that noxious fumes coming into your lungs you know right stop the time and
1:25:41
energy that you’re investing into somebody who’s not going to invest it back into you don’t invest anything more
1:25:49
shut down those interactions with them set and establish clear boundaries and
1:25:54
then never allow them to cross that’s number one number two practice self-care
1:26:00
self-care you know prioritize yourself your emotional well-being your spiritual
1:26:05
well-being your breathing techniques you’re taking time for yourself engage in activities that you enjoy I say I
1:26:13
never allow my thoughts to be unsupervised I take time for myself meditation spending time with people who
1:26:20
lift me up roomie has a a saying set your world on fire seek those who fan
1:26:27
Your Flames make sure you do that you know are are the people in your life Fanning Your Flames or are they dousing
1:26:35
your fire are they throwing logs on your fire or are they pouring water on your fire what are they doing all right
1:26:41
practice self-care I have a whole video by the way on self-care when it comes to
1:26:46
dealing with narcissist you might want to check that out number three is developing self-awareness be careful
1:26:54
about your triggers you know how they trigger you so if you know that they are
1:27:00
triggering you I try to say Let It Go by you just watch it go by and go okay I
1:27:06
just saw that happen and I know what you’re trying to do you’re trying to trigger me and just remember that
1:27:13
dealing with a narcissist is like getting arrested everything they you can do or say it will be used against you
1:27:20
they will definitely use everything against you so understand that your reactions how you respond everything
1:27:27
they say will consciously be used against you they’re going to accuse you of being the manipul the manipulative
1:27:34
one don’t get drawn in they go fishing and they bait you in so don’t
1:27:40
allow it that’s number three number four don’t engage in those power struggles
1:27:45
you know imagine if something’s pushing on you and you push back and you’re pushing against pushing against if you
1:27:51
say I’m not going to let them win I can’t let them win and well they’re saying the same thing you got to be
1:27:57
smarter than that you’ve got to be way more tactical way more strategic than that so they thrive on that control they
1:28:05
thrive on that dominance that’s what they’re trying to do don’t get into those power struggles don’t get into
1:28:10
those arguments with them that’s down here that’s low energy you focus on
1:28:16
yourself your emotional balance instead disengage you know you’re like a gray
1:28:21
rock okay I see you you’re lovely got it you know the shorter the
1:28:29
words of the answer the better it drives them absolutely crazy and I have a whole
1:28:34
video by the way on how to respond to narcissistic tech text messages you should definitely check that out right
1:28:41
so and if you guys can do this so far say I can do this in the comments I can
1:28:47
do this so we’re only halfway through seek support from others seek support
1:28:53
from your friends seek support from your family seek support from people who are going to lift you up you know how you
1:28:59
feel when you’re coming away from people do you come away from people feeling better or do they make you feel worse
1:29:06
don’t be around people who are making you feel worse be around people who make you feel better and get help if you need
1:29:14
therapy we have a sponsor on this channel better help go to betterhelp.com
1:29:19
Rebecca zung and get the help and support you need we receive missions doesn’t cost you one single penny extra
1:29:27
we just want you to have help and support from services that are trusted and join my free private Facebook group
1:29:33
narcissist negotiators with Rebecca Zong and next thing is practice assertiveness
1:29:38
and effective communication effective communication look doesn’t look like defending yourself you never ever defend
1:29:45
yourself and it doesn’t look like you have to write a home every single time they send you something you know like I
1:29:52
said shorter is better some sometimes you can just write back yes or no use I
1:29:57
statements rather than you stay calm never justify overshare never explain
1:30:03
use facts pretend like you’re reporting the news you know I always say pretend
1:30:08
like you’re reporting the news I see that you are upset you seem to be uh
1:30:14
Angry rather than getting caught up in their in their drama trauma and Chaos
1:30:20
you know when you do that you know drives them absolutely nuts and by the way I have whole phrases for disarming
1:30:27
narcissist which you can download and and get for free at disarm the nar.com
1:30:32
so go grab those disarm the.com and start using those when
1:30:38
you’re responding to narcissist disarm the.com all right when you develop a
1:30:44
strong sense of selfworth which is number seven it is the narcissist Kryptonite because they have no sense of
1:30:51
selfworth they don’t like when people have a strong sense of selfworth when you know who you are when you have
1:30:58
confidence in yourself when you have positive qualities it resists their
1:31:05
attempt to undermine your self-esteem and then there there’s no know where
1:31:10
they can go when you cultivate a strong sense of who you are they can’t pray on you anymore they pray on people who have
1:31:17
a low sense of self-esteem who they can manipulate and then finally the last one
1:31:22
is educate your yourself that’s why you’re doing this that’s why you come here to channels like this you know and
1:31:29
and follow me on my podcast I have a whole podcast too by the way make sure you subscribe to that negotiate your
1:31:36
best life expand your knowledge about narcissism through books articles
1:31:41
credible resources understand the Dynamics and and tactics used by
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narcissist you know that way you can respond more effectively and remain
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untriggered all of these things will help you to remain untriggered