8 Ways To Reclaim Your Power After Narcissistic Abuse

Disclaimer: Transcripts were generated automatically and may contain inaccuracies and errors.

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hey there Slayers are you feeling like you are struggling with a narcissist who
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is just getting you down pushing you down at every turn they’re lying to you
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they’re lying to everybody else smearing your name I’ve been exactly where you
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are you’re looking for a way to put that narcissist in their place so that you
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can finally get on the offensive instead of constantly being on the defensive I got eight ways to put a narcissist in
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their place pull up a chair get your pen and Pad ready because I’m going to help
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you do that by the end of this video you’re going to have eight ways to put a narcissist in their place let’s go we’re
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diving deep number one is set boundaries you want to make sure you set boundaries
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I always say step one don’t run step two make a U-turn step three break it’s part
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of my overall Sligh strategy I’ve been helping people break free from
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narcissist for more than 20 years as a lawyer as a globally recognized
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narcissist negotiation expert as somebody who has a high conflict
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negotiation strategy program a training program I certify people in this so I’m
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telling you right now that the very first thing that you need to do is set clear boundaries and hold people to them
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and I know it’s so hard so if the very first baby step that you take is put
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that invisible boundary down around you is if it’s like Teflon the thing that
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nurses look for are those little holes those little places those little places
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that they can get in places that that they think that there’s an opening and
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if the very first thing that you do is start looking at them as if they are a toddler having a tantrum on the floor
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then you can start to observe their behavior to them what do you do you say
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I can see that you are upset I can see that you are angry I can see that we
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might need to continue this conversation at a time that you have calmed down
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speak calmly speak clearly never raise your voice in fact the lower you go the
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quieter you go the more control that you have the minute you lose control the
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minute your voice goes up the minute your tone goes up they know that they have you keep your breath low even take
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a breath if you need to because the more that you do that the more difficult they
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become because then they start losing it they start getting more emotional they
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start losing control and then they they start yelling and if you start yelling
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back then they know that they have you that now you’re sucked in pulled in drawn in you’re in that mud now they
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feel like they’ve got a conversation going now they feel that they’ve got like a a partner in this it’s like a
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something somebody is pushing back so if you set that boundary if you’ve got that invisible shield down around you then
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there’s nothing that they can pull that there’s nothing that they can push it’s like Teflon it’s like water off that
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Duck’s back all right so you can say I’m not going to tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully you know and if they
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yell at you if they say things like you’re this you’re that whatever you can just say okay thank you for the feedback
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I’ll take that under consideration whatever but you can say I need to have my personal space respected I’m not
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going to have this conversation right now I’m not available for arguments I’m not available for debates establishing
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that is critical and it doesn’t matter if this person is your boss it doesn’t
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matter if this person is your mother father whoever it is you’re always
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entitled to respect it’s really powerful it’s really important it’s really
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critical what’s okay and what’s not what are you going to tolerate you tell
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people how you are going to be treated
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you tell people so that’s number one number two is limiting that emotional
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engagement you know I always say boundaries and then brief like my bees right limiting emotional engagement it’s
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that gray rock you know people talk about gray rock it’s like you being a
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gray rock it’s so boring to even look at but it’s also you know not having that
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much interaction with them try to keep it as brief as possible and just being
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neutral you know so one of the things that I constantly tell people is making a plan stand so when you’re going to go
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have a conversation with them just have a scope an agenda and a time limit when
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you’re going to go talk to them so you’re going to only going to go talk to them about one issue you know for a a
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brief period of time and if they go beyond that then you know make sure they know about it ahead of time but if
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you’re going to go beyond that you just say sorry but this is the only thing we’re going to be talking about today
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and you know that and I’m I’m not going to talk about anything else and if they
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go beyond the time limit you you can just say oh sorry that you know got to
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go Gotta Go Gotta Go have something else today I love talking to you it’s my
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favorite thing it’s my favorite thing ever but unfortunately got to run but we can set
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another time and then you you go on you are protecting your peace you are
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keeping your Teflon up you’re like Superman with the bullets off your your chest you are like wondering woman with
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the bullets off of your your wrist you are observing you’re not absorbing observe don’t absorb all right
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protecting your well-being preventing any kind of toxicity no icky People
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Under the Tent next one is assertive communication so important to have
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assertive communication when it comes to narcissist there’s a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness
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obviously you’re not going to be aggressive but you can use eye statements I need this it is important
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that I have this you know you can’t say you with narcissist you can’t say you’re this or you’re that whatever you can say
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this is what I expect these are my expectations this is what I need and and
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be very clear be very clear about your boundaries and what you want for
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yourself and be calm be composed if they get upset if they get angry if they’re
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having an a breakdown if they’re having a meltdown they’re having a tantrum they’re in a rage okay there you go you
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do that you do you but you’re over here watching them you stay cool calm
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collected you are the adults in the relationship number four is what I call
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avoiding Jade I always wear Jade because I’m half Chinese love Jade but I would say you don’t want to have Jade what
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does that mean is you’re never going to justify argue defend or explain why
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because have you ever seen a narcissist after you’ve said this is my position
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this is what I think that you should be seeing about my side I’ve done this for
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you and I’ve done that for you or this is what I think you should acknowledge have you ever seen a narcissist say you
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know what thought about that and you are so right I get your side now I get it
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you’ve never done that ever not once in the history of all narcissists of all time they’ve never come over to the
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other person’s position not unless they’re manipulating you because you know everything is a manipulation when
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it comes to narcissist so you need to just never justify argue defend or
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explain never J and you just go back to your gray rock you just go back to oh
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okay you can even say things like I agree with you I agree with you that we’re never going to agree I agree with
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you that that’s your opinion you know when you say things like that you’re NE you’re not actually agreeing to anything
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but they here I agree with you number five is utilize consequences that there
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has to be consequences for Ev each and every action it’s like the law of
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physics has to happen when it comes to narcissist for each and every action
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there has to be an equal and opposite reaction what do I mean by that it means every time that they do something you
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got to respond that means that if they didn’t provide Discovery in a case
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you’ve got to file a motion you’ve got to do something if they didn’t do what they were supposed to with a court order
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you got to file a motion to compel you got to file a motion for contem there’s got to be something there has to be
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something or if they didn’t do something at work there has to be consequences or
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that they didn’t do something at home if they didn’t fulfill on a promise there has to be consequences you have to not
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say okay they didn’t fulfill on a promise and then let them go because
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that’s how they continue to get away with what they get away with because people don’t have good boundaries
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because people have leaky boundaries when it comes to them and if if you guys
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are seeing what I’m seeing so far I want you to put agree in the chat and I want
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to know what you’re thinking so far I want to know how you’re feeling about any of this so far which one of these
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are you going to use so far which one of these is resonating with you so far you
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know believe me I’m telling you this from a person who has been there I’ve dealt with narcissists in my life and I
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know I’m telling you this from very personal experience all right as a lawyer and in my personal life why do I
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also know this because the next thing I got to tell you is you’ve got to practice some self-care you’ve got to
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practice some self-care and if you don’t practice self-care it’s going to literally kill you anyway but it is also
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a way to put a narcissist in their place because narcissists don’t want you to be practicing self-care the only uh care
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that they want you to be practicing is on them they want all these attention to be going toward them they don’t want you
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to be putting your care toward anybody else but them and they believe that care
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is something to be doled out and that all of it should be heading their Direction and in nobody else’s Direction
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and that’s why they go crazy on holidays or birthdays or anything else because
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they want all the attention to be focused on them and nobody else but you need to be setting side time for
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relaxation for holidays for therapy if need be for counseling if need be for
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coaching if need be for support for yourself time with friends for whatever
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it is that floats your boat right and that will help you to get over the brain
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fog and all that other stuff that I’m sure is taking its emotional toll on you
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right now join my free private Facebook group narcissist negotiators with Rebecca zong get my book slay the bully
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how to negotiate with a narcissist and win get my free phrases for disarming narcissist at disarm the.com do what you
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need to do to help yourself in this situation because you need to take care
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of yourself and the next one is also a way to put their narcissist in their plac is seeking support do they want you
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to seek support hell do they know they want you to be supporting them but get
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help from trusted individuals get help from support systems from therapy you
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need to educate yourself about narcissistic behavior and seek support and get information so that you can not
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have the feelings of isolation and helplessness all right and number eight is maintain perspective and leave if you
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need to and that is a really huge way to put a narcissist in their place and also
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expose them you know through my slay strategy I teach you how to create
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strategy leverage anticipate and focus on you that’s the whole thing that I
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teach you in that display strategy how to truly Break Free how to truly I’ve
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helped literally thousands of people all over the world through my Global programs through my high conflict
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certification program to teach people how to negotiate how to deal with the drama trauma and Chaos how to coach
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people through the drama trauma and Chaos whether you’re professional whether you are a person who wants to
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actually coach or whether you just want to uplevel your game and become the authority on it but whether you want to focus on your personal growth personal
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development cultivate gratitude cultivate resilience negotiate and break
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free teach PE other people how to negotiate and break free it is important for yourself for your health for your
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wellbeing your emotional health and help other individuals navigate high conflict with Clarity with Grace that’s
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the way to do it and have it become your mission have it become your purpose that’s the way to do it all of this are
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ways that you can put narcissist in their place and really become a
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spiritual Warrior about this eight transformative strategies to put
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narcissists in their place and recl clim your power I want you to stop
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explaining this to narcissist and do this instead have you ever found
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yourself trapped in this exhausting exhausting exhausting cycle of trying to
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explain yourself to a narcissist only to feel super frustrated like you are not
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being heard right like they’re not hearing you and you just feel like
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you’re beating your head against a wall and actually finding it bloody would be an easier way of walking around in your
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life I know what it’s like I know the struggle I know the pain because I’ve actually been there not just as an
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attorney but also my personal life really as a high conflict Communications
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expert I’ve helped and trained people thousands of them all over the world and I want to share with you this really
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powerful alternative and over the next few minutes I’m going to help shift your
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world rock your world so that you will walk away with this unbelievable
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empowering way to totally shift the interactions that you have with
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narcissist all right before we dive in make sure you’ve subscribed here make sure you turn on those
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notifications so that you can always get content like this all right make sure
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you comment below with your experiences in dealing with narcissist I love hearing from my community and engaging
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in conversations with all of you and make sure that you also get my exclusive
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disarm the narc phrases it’s a it’s a whole guide filled with powerful scripts
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for you to disarm those narcissists in your life all right so now let’s get
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into it so we find ourselves entangled with high conflict personalities or
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narcissist we fall into this trap of like over explaining ourselves hoping
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that in some way we’re going to get into them hoping that in some way we can
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articulate something that they’re going to go oh okay I get it now but the
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problem is that they purposely misunderstand us they purposely act like they’re confused they purposely say oh I
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don’t I don’t get it or why are you bringing this up now or this isn’t a good time or they purposely interrupt or
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whatever it is they don’t want want to hear they thrive on control they thrive on manipulation they thrive on allowing
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you to get to the point so no amount of explaining is ever going to change that
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so instead of wasting your precious time instead of wasting your precious energy because that’s all just going to
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continue to fall on deaf ears what you want to do is reclaim your power reclaim
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your control and shift your approach that’s where my transformative Strat
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stry is going to come into play so the key is to focus on setting firm
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boundaries and communicating your needs assertively without getting entangled in
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lengthy explanations so imagine you’re in a meeting with a particularly
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difficult personality a particularly difficult colleague somebody at work who
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just constantly undermines your ideas okay in the past you have felt really
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compelled to OV explain over justify your proposals like no it really is a
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good idea no really let me show you why hoping that you can gain their approval but from now on what I want you to do
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instead of that instead of like almost like coming from this place of like
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being defensive instead of getting caught up in this back and forth sort of
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explanation just simply State and very confidently put forth like this is why
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it’s good here are the points and you just basically lay it out and the way
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that you present it there’s no gaps there’s no loopholes there’s no
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vulnerabilities there’s no place for them it’s almost like the more you talk
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the more you explain the more the weaker you sound you want to just go this is it
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this is the thing and then when they try to give their feedback when they try to give their thoughts you that’s when you
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say okay I get it I appreciate your feedback this is not open for discussion
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today you take back control of the conversation thank you for your perspective you you sort of just don’t
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allow for the opening anymore you protect your energy you protect protect your peace you just have that invisible
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boundary down around you so that you are stating it confidently assuredly with
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boundaries thank you for the feedback I appreciate your approach you set clear
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boundaries you refuse to engage in fruitless explanations you protect your
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peace you protect your energy you protect your selfworth you’re gracious
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you’re kind you’re never rude you don’t lose control you can smile thank you I
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appreciate that you don’t owe anyone I would say never Jade never justify argue
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defend or explain you don’t owe anyone exhaustive explanation for simply being
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yourself those are the ways that you can not explain I can I can remember one
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time that when I was in work and I was
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teaching one of my associates how to get something introduced into evidence he was trying
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so hard to argue the point to the judge
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he was like well and now I’d like to introduce this into evidence I could just tell the way he said it the judge
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was going to go denied but it had he gone and here are the points and this is
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why why and here it is it would have been accepted because he said it the way
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that he said it it was denied so if you take that control you set clear
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boundaries you know the value of what it is you say less in a lot of ways and
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you’re not explaining explaining explaining and defending and defending and all and getting into it you know who
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you are and those gaps are closed and you’re you respect yourself you end up
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so much further ahead of the game know your facts know your supporting
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documentation and then be calm I would say never justify argue defend or
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explain never Jade I always say I love Jade but never Jade you stand comfortably on who you are one secret
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tactic that is guaranteed to put a narcissist in their place is Nar nistic
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fluffing and I know this seems so crazy but it’s bartering to get what you want
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I call it fluff for favor vomit later so what you do is you ethically manipulate
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the manipulator you go up to them and you say hey can you do the QuickBooks
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you are so much better at it then I am and so then you get something that you
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want they do it and then you know if you need to go vomit or or shower later
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that’s fine but you got something that you wanted and it puts them in their place you got something you wanted and
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they’re none the wiser right so it’s a little secret tactic that’s guaranteed
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to put them in their place you take your ego out of it fluff or favor vomit later
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so that’s one secret tactic that’s guaranteed need to put a narcissist in
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their place another secret tactic to put a narcissist in their place it’s a great
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way to gather leverage against them is to keep them talking they have no idea
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what you’re doing they love to talk about themselves they love to tell you
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all about what’s going on and then you will figure out
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what’s actually motivating them remember that what really motivates a narcissist
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is how they look to the world what I call Diamond level Supply that supply
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that feeds them that motivates them is their ego so it could be that new
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girlfriend or that the the employees that they work with whoever it is that
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makes them that beefs up their ego the most in the world it could be those a
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level people that are around them right whoever it is that’s motivating what
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that’s driving them keep them talking because they will tell you what’s
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motivating them they cannot help themselves and that will help you in the
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long run okay keep them talking find out what’s motivating them that will help
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you that will help you put them in their
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place next the next secret tactic to
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guarantee to put them in their place is get them to respond to you in writing as
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much as possible they always lie they always contradict themselves and then
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that becomes comes fantastic leverage for you if you keep track of all of that
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then you will be able to put it all together and use that against them as
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leverage they will never believe that you actually took the time to put all of
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that together now remember to use one form of writing as much as possible with
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them because if you use text or if you use all these different forms of email
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or all these different forms of other types of writing they will use all these
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different ways to make your life miserable they’re dming you in your
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Instagram in all these different forms and it drives you absolutely crazy and
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on top of that if you end up having to go to trial with them you’re trying to
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remember where was that where did that come in did that come in through my Facebook messaging did that come in
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through my Instagram messaging where did that come in from and you don’t want to
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have to deal with all of that and you don’t want to have to try to remember that so you want to try to keep your
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writing in one form as much as possible and you really should have it be email
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if possible really should be email if possible because if it’s email then you
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have a time and date stamp it’s something that’s provable and it’s the least likely to be manipulated down the
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road when it becomes a trial exhibit they’re much more difficult to be
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entered into as evidence because when you go to use them as trial exhibits
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they want the entire conversation usually and so texts are not usually
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great for trial exhibits you usually need to have an entire conversation and
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that’s why email serves as a better form of writing and I really do recommend
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that when you’re talking to narcissist because they will lie they literally
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will say something and then completely completely contradict themselves in just
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one conversation later they will say I don’t want to have to be in this job
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anymore whatever they say and then 10 minutes later they’ll say I never said
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that as if you are dealing with an insane person so as much as possible you
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want to have them be in conversation with you in writing and a lot of this by
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the way is in my slave program but one of the ways that you can really start to
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gather all of this is by using my crush my negotiation prep work sheet it’s a 15
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page ebook which you can definitely get at win my negotiation. comom and get
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that free ebook and get started with that if you know it’s everything all in
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one place so go get that to get started okay so number four is call them out
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when things aren’t adding up when they literally just say I didn’t say that you
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can just say but you did you can actually you have the right during
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conversations to say I can see that you are saying things to me that aren’t
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truthful or we can resume this conversation when you’re ready to have a conversation
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with me that is truthful or something like that I mean call them out when
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things aren’t adding up but you know you do need to be careful because if you are dealing with somebody who is volatile
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then you don’t want to put yourself in any kind of Harm’s Way you know you certainly don’t want to do that other
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thing I do want to caution you on with this particular one is that if you are
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going back to number three where you are catching them in lies in their writings
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and things like that you don’t want to let on that you know what you have all
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right so be careful about that the next one is act like you don’t care you know
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that so is guaranteed to put them in their place because if you don’t care
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then it just absolutely drives them Bonkers they just can’t stand it when
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you don’t care what’s going on nothing drives a narcissist crazy like your
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complacency like your apathy they just that’s the one thing they want more than
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anything is your your rise you to be engaged with them but if it’s sort of
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like a push back thing where you’re not pushing back then they don’t have any
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anything giving them that Supply if you see the truth in what I’m saying so far
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put truth in the comments below because you know that what I’m saying is the
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truth the next secret that’s guaranteed to put a narcissis in their place is
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stop defending yourself when you defend yourself you are literally saying to
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them that there is something there they giving credence to their arguments and
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you definitely don’t want to do that never explain never justify never
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overshare never defend yourself you can stand in your power when things are are
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filed motions are filed when letters come over I know that that’s your first inclination is to go oh my gosh you know
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you want to defend yourself in on everything Point by Point by point I
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know I do too but do not defend yourself that’s number six another secret tactic
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that’s guarantee to put a narcissist in their place is to stand your ground when
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they try to move goalposts certainly don’t negotiate against yourself I’ve
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seen people do this all the time well they haven’t responded let me go back and maybe reduce or something no stand
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your ground especially when they try to move B post you stay firm do not allow
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them to do that when they move those goalposts around they are jerking you
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around and they’re getting Supply from that and don’t allow them to do that they’re doing that because they want to
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see that rise from you don’t allow that Let It Go the next thing is to create
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strategy before making your moves it is so common when you’re dealing with a
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narcissist to feel you’re constantly in in survival mode and you you just are
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swinging all the time and and and you feel like you’re just putting out fires
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constantly and you don’t have time to sit back and create a vision and to
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create an action plan but you need to you need to create that strategy before
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you make your moves and then you will be standing in power and you will actually
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get to the goal of where you want to go it will be so much more powerful for you
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the next thing is to create Invincible leverage going back to what I said in
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number three which is where I started to create the foundation for this is to
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create an almost like an invisible fence around that narcissist once that fence
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becomes visible it’s almost like turning on the light and they realize oh my goodness I’m cornered it’ll be so much
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more powerful for you I’m setting you up for the sleigh methodology here you see
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that strategy leverage anticipating where they’re going being two steps
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ahead of them and then finally number 10 is focusing on you you being on the
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offense of your incredible 100 % super
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powerful mindset you have to believe that you can win before anybody else can
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help you but if you don’t believe that you can win nobody can help you you have to believe it then that’s the most
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powerful secret tactic that’s guaranteed to make sure that you are
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going to be the most powerful person in whatever room that you you stand up in
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because let me tell you there are always going to be narcissists in this world
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they will always be toxic no matter where you go but if you focus on you
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your powerful mindset and how strong you are that’s Kryptonite to narcissist
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right I know dealing with narcissistic individuals can be draining can be
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exhausting can make you feel used can make you feel abused
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can make you feel like you are powerless paranoid I’ve been there I know not just
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representing them as an attorney and seeing what it’s like in that situation
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but also I’ve dealt with him in my personal life and that’s why I’m on this Mission this crusade to get you armed
35:22
with exactly what you need so I want you to have these Kick-Ass comebacks I want
35:27
want you to have them so that you have these resources these toolkit this
35:33
Arsenal right so that you have these strategies so that you’ll be better equipped to deal with them and have them
35:41
at the ready so that you can handle their manipulative behavior when it
35:47
comes you know thrown at you all right so the first one is responding with
35:53
empathy all right so what’s like you you just say what what’s your motivation for doing that when you’re dealing with a
36:00
narcissist ask them about what’s their motivation for doing that instead of coming at them with anger you just kind
36:08
of make them pause it’s almost like stunning them for a second what is your motivation for doing that and and you
36:15
kind of almost get them to reflect on their actions for a second you know they’re not going to be having empathy
36:21
for you so never think that you’re going to get them to have like acknowledge your action see your side have closure
36:28
all any of those things but by prompting them to consider why they’re behaving in a
36:35
certain way you get them to challenge them to think beyond their own
36:42
self-centered mindset just for a quick second wait wait what a minute what is that okay so that’s number one
36:47
responding with empathy the second one is It’s seems like you’re you’re trying
36:53
to make a point you’re saying something like what is it you’re trying to do what is it you’re trying to do you know again
37:01
when you kind of come at them almost like with a naive
37:07
bewilderment like what is it you’re doing you’re almost like feigning
37:13
confusion in a way instead of ah you know coming at them with this anger and
37:18
meeting them with anger you almost sort of come at them with what are you doing you know it seems like you’re trying to
37:24
make a point and again it sort of calls out their attempt to manipulate the
37:31
conversation for their own benefit you’re you’re sort of observing their
37:36
tactics and and again it almost sort of pushes it out to the sunlight and and
37:43
makes it transparent the next one is again sort of an empathetic approach
37:50
where you say uh would it be helpful if I stopped would it be helpful if I listened a lot of times I just I just
37:58
find myself where I just stop and I just look at them they just want to keep going and so offering to just stop
38:06
offering to just listen let them go you value them you value their perspective a
38:11
lot of times honestly they dig themselves into a hole and and they give
38:17
you leverage they tell you what they’re thinking they say things that are
38:23
nonsensical and you know it stops them from constantly controlling the you know everything they
38:30
think that they’re giving constructive dialogue and it just Fosters better communication that way because it takes
38:36
you out of this feeling of frustration and it puts you into this
38:44
almost Observer mode the next one is is like a seeking Clarity where you’re
38:51
saying can you explain what you were thinking when you said that can you explain when you what you were thinking
38:56
when you did did that either when you said that or when you did that can you explain what you were thinking when you
39:03
said that or can you explain what you were thinking when you did that you’re making them
39:08
explain their thought process you’re confronting them about potential
39:15
consequences of their words you’re confronting them about potential consequences of their actions kind of
39:21
almost makes them think about their impact of of their behavior and it
39:27
promotes self-reflection the next one is where you again observe their behavior
39:34
you you seem angry you appear to be upset you sound frustrated you look
39:42
worried I love approaches where you almost are like reporting the news you
39:48
don’t actually have to hold the microphone but you can just sort of almost think of them as like a toddler
39:55
having a tantrum on the floor you know you would didn’t get down on the floor and have a a tantrum with the toddler
40:01
right you would just look at the toddler and you’d be like okay are you done yet and that’s sort of what you have to do
40:06
with that so you’re addressing their emotions you’re redirecting the focus of the conversation in some ways you kind
40:13
of end up getting more clarity are you worried about something are you angry about something and you can encourage
40:21
them to explore their concerns more constructively even sometimes you know
40:26
sometimes it’ll be like you God damn right I’m angry whatever but whatever I mean you you don’t have to be at the
40:32
mercy of their wrath because I I always say step one don’t run step two make a U-turn step three Break Free because
40:39
you’re kind of course correcting you’re stopping that conditioning from The Narcissist people say just leave you
40:45
know whatever but sometimes that’s like too much to think about all at once to just leave get out of it you know so you
40:52
have to think of it in baby steps so that that first step sometimes is
40:57
is just you know a boundary and that first boundary can just be I’m going to
41:03
just not allow somebody to speak to me in a disrespectful manner the next one
41:08
is challenging their behavior you know so where you just say how do you feel
41:13
when somebody doesn’t agree with your opinion because a lot of times they’re not agreeing with your opinion you’re
41:19
trying to get them to reflect on their need for validation and control but you’re you’re really seeing like Hey
41:25
listen you’re doing the same thing here here right so highlighting their emotional response and differing
41:32
opinions you encourage them to consider alternative viewpoints and open up to a
41:38
balanced conversation now they’re probably not going to do that but you’re sort of seeing what’s happening there
41:45
and by the way I have a whole video with regard to kickass comebacks to narcissistic texts by the way too and
41:53
the one thing you really want to do is not engage too much watch you know with all of this because they’re trying to
42:00
pull you in they’re trying to bait you a lot of times so what I’m trying to get you to do is sort of stay above The Fray
42:08
with this don’t get too deep into the woods don’t get too deep into the mud with this right cuz they’re trying to
42:15
get you baited they’re trying to get you hooked in and once you get hooked in
42:20
then you’re down in it with them if they pull you in just don’t do that stay
42:26
where you’re s of looking at them you don’t explain you don’t justify you don’t defend yourself
42:34
right you you look at them the next one number seven is it sounds like what
42:39
you’re asking is you’re sort of almost like mirroring you’re almost sort of
42:45
like summarizing it sounds like to me what you’re asking is and then just sort
42:51
of summarize so by pointing out this you know it sounds like what you want is
42:57
validation from me you’re putting out their insecurities a lot of times they want all this validation they want to
43:04
control the conversation I hate when you expose that in them by the way I have a
43:09
whole free sheet with all of a bunch of phrases that you can get and it’s uh at
43:14
disarm the.com it’s phrases for disarming narcissist which will be all summarized
43:21
for you then you can use them for whatever you want so disarm the.com go
43:27
grab those the next thing is are you trying to control the conversation again you’re like highlighting it sounds like
43:33
you’re trying to control the conversation it directly says look look what you’re doing you’re manipulating me
43:40
I see what you’re doing it calls them out and you’re challenging them to be
43:46
more respectful you’re challenging them to be in a balanced conversation this is
43:54
so difficult okay all of this this is so difficult if you don’t have support you
44:01
need support I have a free private Facebook group narcissist negotiators with Rebecca zong join my free private
44:08
Facebook group and get help get support if you don’t have access to therapy I
44:14
have a sponsor in this channel which you can access through betterhelp.com
44:20
Rebeccas zong get the help and support that you need it’s a sponsor for us so
44:25
we receive commissions doesn’t cost you any extra we just want you to have access to trustworthy sources number
44:32
nine is encouraging constructive dialogue so why are you so defensive
44:38
about this they’re always defensive but then you know they accuse you of things
44:43
like that right again you’re like highlighting their behavior showing them
44:50
what it is that they’re doing it’s encouraging them to see that they’re being insecure and and hopefully opening
44:59
up more constructive dialogue and if it’s not then that’s fine you can say listen this approach is not working for
45:05
me we can have a conversation about this when you can be more constructive you
45:12
can always walk away and then the last one is how does this
45:17
conversation help us both again encouraging constructive dialogue by
45:23
emphasizing the mutual benefit of constructive dialogue where are we going
45:28
with this what’s the bigger picture what is the potential outcome for both of our
45:34
benefits you know you want to promote a cooperative and collaborative appro approach to communication you know
45:41
they’ll say that that’s what they want but of course it’s not you know we’ve discussed 10 Kick-Ass comebacks to shut
45:48
down narcissist so that you can also take back your own power and that’s
45:53
really the more important thing here right you want to stand up to that manipulative Behavior you want to
45:59
reclaim your voice in this and by utilizing these empowering comebacks you
46:06
can create those boundaries and start taking back your own voice in this thing
46:13
Foster healthier communication maintain your selfworth don’t let anyone dim your
46:19
light anymore or undermine your value stay strong stay confident you have
46:27
value they didn’t attach themselves to you because you have so little value they attach themselves and stay attached
46:33
to you because you have so much don’t you dare ever forget that I want you to
46:40
put that in the comments right now I have value I have value I want you to
46:46
put that there because I I don’t want you to forget it I’m going to give you 10 tactics to put a narcissist in their
46:52
place so make sure you watch till the end so that you can get all 10 okay so number one is don’t react to
47:01
their bait I know super hard because believe me not only have I had to see
47:08
how it is to deal with narcissist in my law practice but I’ve had to deal with
47:14
them in my life as well and it’s really really hard because they give you plenty
47:21
of Fate they are constantly trying to trigger you that’s their MO
47:27
why why do they do that because they get narcissistic Supply from that yeah they
47:36
actually get off on that they enjoy watching you squirm they enjoy
47:42
intimidating you that’s part of their their their coal level Supply I call it coal level Supply the the Diamond level
47:50
Supply what feeds their ego is how they look to the world but like their
47:55
underbelly that dark dark underbelly of Supply the supply that also feeds their ego that they don’t love to tell the
48:02
world about they would never tell the world that this is something they enjoy but they do enjoy devaluing debasing and
48:10
degrading people controlling people so don’t react to their bait because when
48:16
you do it also potentially gives them something to use that they can use
48:23
against you so be careful about that okay so don’t react to their bait number two you can do something that I call
48:32
bartering okay so you fluff up their ego a little bit to get something that you
48:37
want if you give something to get something so it looks like this hey can
48:44
you do the QuickBooks today you’re so much better at math than I am so you get
48:52
them to do something so that you know you get something out of it they get something out of it what do they get out
48:57
of it they get that agulation which is something they love and desperately need
49:03
narcissistic fluffing and bartering that’s number two number three is you
49:08
keep them talking keep them talking they love to talk about themselves and then
49:15
that tells you what’s motivating them super important especially when you’re
49:20
are negotiating with them and you are using my sleigh methodology of course my
49:26
slay framework strategy leverage anticipating and focusing on you you are
49:32
slaying your negotiation so when you are anticipating and you’re creating that
49:37
strategy and you’re creating that leverage you need to figure out what’s motivating them so keep them talking to find out what’s motivating them that’s
49:44
number three number four get them to respond to you in writing as much as
49:50
possible they always lie and contradict themselves they can’t helps M eles
49:57
that’s what they do that’s how they are in the world that’s just their way of being those lies and contradictions turn
50:04
into fantastic pieces of Leverage so when you respond though be very careful
50:11
because remember everything that you do turns into a potential exhibit as well
50:17
and remember they’re always trying to bait you so be careful about that and I do have an entire video on how to
50:25
respond to narcissis IC text messages definitely check that out really good video okay number five call them out
50:34
when things aren’t adding up now be very careful about this especially if you’re dealing with somebody who may be
50:40
dangerous always have to give that caveat but if things aren’t adding up
50:45
call them out say hey how come you’re here at this picnic today thought you
50:50
said you were sick yesterday something like that okay that’s number five number six just act like you don’t care you
50:58
know remember that gives them narcissistic Supply so if they’re showing up places just to annoy you or
51:05
doing things just to bother you don’t notice it you know that they’re doing things to try to trigger you don’t
51:12
notice it act like you don’t care all right I know it’s hard so just breathe I want you to write that in the comments
51:19
right now just breathe and then I Want You to Breathe okay take a breath Just
51:25
Breathe you can do this I’ve helped thousands of people do this and you can
51:31
do this too you can win so just breathe write that in the comments right now
51:37
just breathe all right number seven stand your ground when they try to move goalposts don’t allow them to do that
51:45
they have conditioned you you are conditioning them right back now you’re changing the dynamic here they have
51:52
conditioned you to believing certain things and acting in certain ways and and being in a certain way in your
51:59
relationship with them so they think that you’re going to be a certain way when they act a certain way and you are
52:06
changing it now no longer are you retreating and in fact you’re now
52:12
standing your ground and in fact you’re actually going to start marching toward and they’re not going to like it that’s
52:19
okay you’re going to stand your ground and it’s going to be okay I promise you
52:24
in fact it’s going to be better than okay okay that’s number seven number eight create strategy before making your
52:31
moves please don’t just act willy-nilly you need strategy number nine you need
52:37
leverage create Invincible leverage you’ve got to have leverage it’s the only way you’ve got to figure out a way
52:45
to create leverage that’s actually going to motivate and squeeze them that’s going to threaten a source of
52:51
narcissistic Supply that’s going to be more important for them to protect defend and maintain and the supply that
52:59
they get from jerking you around super important and number 10 focus on you
53:04
your case your position slay you’re slaying this you are putting these 10
53:11
tactics into place and these will put a narcissist in their place it works every
53:18
single time all right so five tactics to put a narcissist in their place all
53:26
right so so number one tactic to put a narcissist in their place is create
53:33
boundaries this is sometimes the hardest thing to start with because they hate
53:41
this and it’s so hard for you because this is the very first thing
53:48
that they make sure that you don’t have they come in they take over it’s like
53:56
they rock your world and the stars have aligned and it’s almost like this gas
54:03
that’s come in and permeated every cell of your body and in your nose and in
54:10
your eyes and in your breath and in your lungs and when they come in they come in
54:15
you know that’s what that whole love bombing process is they’re blowing up your phone they’re blowing up your email
54:21
and they have to meet everybody in your world and this is business or personal by way and it’s why wait and let’s get
54:28
to the next level as soon as possible and if it’s romantic it’s you know moving in and it’s meeting the family
54:36
and it’s get married and you know the whole thing and even if it’s business
54:42
it’s let’s be business partners and let’s sign contracts whatever that next step is it’s it’s as quick as possible
54:50
so it’s No Boundaries right and if it’s family it’s the same thing no boundaries
54:56
my husband and I have a narcissist in our family and you know we’ve had to
55:01
create really strict boundaries and it’s hard this is the hardest part because
55:07
they don’t want it they want you to have boundaries they’re super secretive and
55:13
they don’t want you looking at their phone and they don’t want to tell you things they don’t want you touching their stuff but they definitely don’t
55:20
want you to create boundaries so this is the hardest thing but if you can create boundaries and you can and draw those
55:27
lines and then and then keep those boundaries in place that is the best
55:34
place to start as far as putting a narcissist in their place start with
55:41
some boundaries even if they’re small just stop walking backward stop
55:48
retreating start walking forward a little bit stop retreating start walking
55:53
forward keep those boundaries in place can’t speak to me that way I will have a
55:59
conversation with you when you are calm that’s a boundary I will not be spoken
56:05
to in a disrespectful manner that’s a boundary we’ll have a conversation later that in and of itself is a boundary so
56:12
create boundaries that’s number one number two call them out when things
56:17
aren’t adding up I was so guilty of this when I was dealing with a narcissistic business partner I would not call out my
56:25
narcissistic business partner a lot of times when things weren’t adding up I would see things happening and I’d be
56:34
like you know do I really want to have this conversation it’s uncomfortable
56:40
does it really matter that much I mean you know these are the kinds of things I would say to myself is it worth the
56:47
conversation that I’m going to have to have is there a way around it maybe I
56:52
should just take care of it myself it’s easier to just deal with with it you know like these are the things that I
56:59
would end up doing that’s not the best way to handle these things a lot of times call them out when things aren’t
57:05
adding up so that’s number two number three stop defending yourself don’t
57:11
defend yourself when they attack you and I have a whole video on that stop defending yourself so that’s number
57:18
three tactic to put a narcissist in their place number four stand your
57:25
ground when they try to move goal po especially in negotiations you know and
57:30
they do they move goal post all the time I have a whole video on why narcissists
57:35
move goal po it’s all about their narcissistic Supply and all of that you
57:42
don’t want to deal with that but you know they do enjoy the process of making you squirm and manipulating you and all
57:49
of that but definitely check out my video on this topic and and just put in the comments right now I am strong
57:55
because because you are you can get past this you are stronger than this you’re
58:01
so much stronger than you think you are you really are you’re so much stronger than you think you are and you’re so
58:06
much strong Smarter Than You Think You Are by the way that’s number four and by
58:12
the way if you need extra help and support go to betterhelp.com get the
58:17
help and support that you need I have a partnership with betterhelp.com and you can get help and support from
58:25
them if you you don’t have another place to get help you know they provide online therapy and they are fantastic we do get
58:35
commissions from them but we do offer that as a service if you don’t have
58:40
another place to get the help and support that you need it’s betterhelp.com Rebeccas and we only recommend services
58:47
that we trust and then number five tactic to put a narcissist in their
58:54
place this is the best one because this cuts off their supply
58:59
Source completely and that is create an Exit Plan and then stick to it but do
59:07
not let them know what it is you got to keep it secret you know you’re great
59:13
creating your stash of cash you’re figuring out where it is that you’re going to go what it is that you’re going to do what your Leverage is going to be
59:19
you’re creating invisible fence with that you know around them this is my sleigh methodology strategy leverage
59:26
anticipate what they’re going to do stay two steps ahead of them focus on you your case your position whatever it is
59:33
you being on the offensive that’s what you’re going to do and it works it
59:39
always works I promise you that it does all right I know you feel like they’re
59:45
constantly winning and you’re like how are they getting away with this all the
59:52
time I know I hear it all the time I’m a lawyer and I constantly hear how are
59:59
they getting away with this they always win the system is broken I’m going to give you six tactics for putting a
1:00:05
narcissist in their place right now so don’t move and in fact I’m going to give
1:00:11
you six and best one is at the end all right so don’t move all right number one
1:00:20
you got to call them out when things aren’t adding up I know it’s scary it’s
1:00:26
definitely scary but they’ve been conditioning you from the beginning and you got to start saying like things are
1:00:33
changing they got to know that there’s a new game in town so just little by little you got to start saying hey
1:00:39
that’s not adding up even if it’s in an email even if it’s in a text even if
1:00:44
it’s in an app if you’re using an app you just got to say hey that’s that’s
1:00:50
not adding up and and you got to start putting that in documentation and
1:00:56
remember every text every email everything that you put in writing is a
1:01:02
potential trial exhibit that’s not adding up so number one call them out
1:01:07
when things aren’t adding up going through six tactics for putting a narciss is in their place and this is
1:01:14
something that you want to start doing number two is remember you don’t want to
1:01:20
give them narcissistic Supply right number two is you you don’t react to their bait they’re going to throw that
1:01:27
bait out there they’re going to be like trying to reel you in use things against
1:01:32
you remember when you’re dealing with a narcissist it’s like getting arrested everything they say or do is going to be
1:01:38
used against you they’re going to try to use your emotional reactions against you they’re going to go oh look there’s the
1:01:44
crazy one look they’re going to be sitting over there like all cool and calm and collected like they’re the
1:01:51
normal one because they’re trying to get you to do things they’re trying to bait you trigger you so do not react to the
1:01:59
bait so hard I know but soon as you
1:02:05
do they’ll use it against you so don’t react number three the number three
1:02:11
tactic for putting narcissists in their place is get them to lie and then flip
1:02:19
it against them you got to get them to lie you got to bait them right so
1:02:25
they’re laying bait against you now you got to do the same thing back against them and I have a whole video on what
1:02:32
happens when you catch narcissist and lies this is what you can do all right
1:02:38
this is you want to NAB them so get them to lie and then flip it against them I
1:02:43
have a whole video on this you want to NAB them I want you to put this in the comments right now NAB them all right so
1:02:50
get them to lie and flip it against them this is tactics for putting narcissists in their place you want to do this right
1:02:56
so the next one is act like you don’t care you don’t care this is a A Step
1:03:03
Beyond not reacting to their bait this is literally you do not care what’s
1:03:09
going on with them like okay like I don’t even know your name who are you again what H do whatever you’re going to
1:03:17
do mhm like that is how you are okay I don’t even care what you’re doing right
1:03:24
now that’s the next one okay six tactics for putting a narcissist in their place
1:03:29
they’re trying to get supply from you you are cutting off their food source their oxygen that that is what Supply is
1:03:38
that’s number four number five tactic for putting a narcissist in their place
1:03:44
is creating Invincible leverage right strategy leverage anticipate focus on
1:03:49
you that is my sleigh methodology that’s what I teach that’s my program
1:03:56
you are creating Invincible leverage that is what you need to do that is how
1:04:01
you’re going to put a narcissist in their place part of getting them to lie and flipping it against them that’s why
1:04:07
you need to go watch that other video right but you’re going to create Invincible leverage I actually have a whole video on how to create leverage
1:04:14
too you can definitely check that out as well all kinds of free stuff on this channel that’s why you need to subscribe
1:04:20
and hit that notification bell all right and number six six number six is be
1:04:28
offensive and not defensive offensive never defend
1:04:34
yourself okay I have a whole video on that too don’t defend yourself don’t do that CU as soon as you defend you’re
1:04:41
like giving them you’re you’re saying there’s an issue don’t defend be
1:04:46
offensive so that’s number six and if you don’t have my free Crush my negotiation prep worksheet to get
1:04:53
yourself started get that now crushmy deal.com just go to crushmy deal.com and
1:05:01
grab it go to narcissist negotiators with Rebecca zong on Facebook as well
1:05:07
and make sure that you join that for free support and you can also go to
1:05:15
betterhelp.com Rebeccas if you don’t have the therapist
1:05:21
that you need and access to that we have partnered with them and we do receive
1:05:27
commissions but it doesn’t cost you any extra we just want you to have access to the help and support that you need so
1:05:35
much support right here right so much support right here for you because today
1:05:42
is the best day for you today’s the best day for you and I’m going to give you 11
1:05:48
tactics for always making sure that you never let those pesky narcissists into
1:05:54
your life in the first place place so the first one is trust your intuition
1:06:00
you know you’re brimming with optimism maybe you’re on your first date or you’re going for coffee or whatever it
1:06:07
is and here comes this person this charming person coming flying into your
1:06:13
life your Tranquility is there but I don’t know your spidey sense that hair
1:06:19
on the back of your neck stands up that gut you know it knows it knows your
1:06:25
heart is actually five seconds ahead of your brain did you know that and it’s
1:06:31
guiding you towards safety and serenity that’s why you can tell if somebody is
1:06:37
behind you you know the Navy Seals they actually consense when somebody is 25 ft
1:06:43
behind them danger tune into you that inner voice if something feels off
1:06:48
listen if your intuition is telling you something you you listen to it that is
1:06:55
your first line of defense against those toxic people that narcissistic intrusion
1:07:02
if you will that alarm is going off in your brain in your heart so if you’re
1:07:10
sitting at a networking event and you strike up a conversation with a
1:07:16
seemingly charismatic individual and they’ve got this beautiful exterior this
1:07:22
charm going on but there’s something going on inside you in the back of your
1:07:27
mind pay attention to that intuitive whisper that’s going on inside of you
1:07:33
that is your Soul’s way of warning you to potential danger trust that intuition
1:07:41
and it it’s going to lead you to graceful disengage from that conversation and steer you away from
1:07:49
that toxic connection and leave you open to the one that is meant for you so the next one is set boundaries set
1:07:55
boundaries and set them early boundaries are sacred they’re sacred lines in the
1:08:02
sand delineating what is acceptable and not acceptable in our interactions they
1:08:09
Bridges they help you establish boundaries from the onset of a relationship they send clear messages
1:08:17
that your well-being is not negotiable it’s saying to your Sacred Space I’m
1:08:25
honoring you that’s what it’s saying you’re telling your Sacred Space I’m
1:08:30
honoring you consider a scenario where a new acquaintance is probing into your
1:08:37
personal life with intrusive questions and instead of passively acquiescing
1:08:44
assert your boundaries firmly but respectfully say I appreciate your interest but certain aspects of my life
1:08:52
are private and if they say oh well you know this is us sharing we need to get
1:08:57
to know each other if they start pushing you then you know that’s a red flag okay
1:09:02
that’s something that you don’t share just say you know this this approach is not working for me establish a precedent
1:09:09
for respectful communication and Safeguard your emotional Sanctuary next
1:09:16
one is screen your circle screen your circle your inner circle is sacred it’s
1:09:23
a sacred Sanctuary res deserved only for those who get to be there who uplift you
1:09:31
who inspire you go through due diligence every once in a while do some spring
1:09:38
cleaning every once in a while and welcome only new individuals into your sphere of influence who get to be there
1:09:45
maybe do clean some dust bunnies out that need to go out every once in a while right defend your light with your
1:09:52
life and observe their actions discern their intentions and prioritize
1:09:59
quality over quantity for sure if you encounter a new romantic interest who
1:10:06
showers you with compliments showers you with adoration if they affection seems
1:10:13
flattering pay attention to their behavior beyond the surface level are
1:10:19
they consistent in their actions do they respect your boundaries do they respect your autonomy or are they masquerading
1:10:26
as an ally I mean I’ve seen people come and go in my life quite a bit if somebody’s just pretending to be your
1:10:33
friend just to get to the next level then that’s not somebody you need to be friends with and I’ve seen that happen a
1:10:39
lot in this particular space let me tell you look at your guiding Compass know who you are educate yourself that’s the
1:10:46
next one knowledge is power and and use this as a shield against toxic people
1:10:53
knowledge is power the more you do this sort of thing the more you read books like slay the bully how to negotiate
1:10:59
with a narcissist and whenn watch these videos have you subscribed here have you hit that notification Bell make sure
1:11:06
that you join groups like our Facebook group narcissist negotiators with Rebecca zung that’ll help you too it’ll
1:11:13
help you deflect manipulative tactics attend workshops I’ve got a free
1:11:20
workshop for you come to Ians slay.com and join me my friend Workshop that will
1:11:26
help you not to be a passive Observer listen to the red flags watch for the
1:11:31
red flags look for the subtle C cues pay attention a lot of times what happens is
1:11:38
we defend against the red flags well they had a bad childhood well they had a
1:11:43
bad week I mean when that happens just stop yourself don’t push away those red
1:11:49
flags you know like that they’re belittling your accomplishments or that they didn’t show up when they were
1:11:55
supposed to or that they borrowed money and they didn’t pay it back or they’re gaslighting you all of those things
1:12:02
because they’re so good-look or because they paid a lot of money for you to do this thing proceed with caution
1:12:09
prioritize you and self-preservation over other things that won’t matter as
1:12:14
much which leads me to the next one which is prioritize self-care self-love is your armor down the road those things
1:12:21
will not matter you know save yourself a whole lot of headache and heartache nurture your mind your body your soul
1:12:29
reinforce your intrinsic selfworth immerse your self in a self-care ritual
1:12:34
do whatever you need to do to have Serenity yoga ice baths be with people
1:12:41
nature whatever you need to do to remember who you are Journal breathing
1:12:47
exercises practice assertive communication is the next one your voice
1:12:52
is a weapon of Liberation an instrument of Clarity and empowerment a means of
1:12:57
asserting your needs expressing your boundaries it’s okay to say this
1:13:02
approach isn’t working for me what do you mean by that something like that in not in a disrespectful way not in an
1:13:08
angry way more like curiosity I always say use curiosity instead of anger reclaim your agency in interpersonal
1:13:16
interactions if you find yourself in a professional setting where you feel like
1:13:24
a colleague is is undermining you or monopolizing credit for your
1:13:30
achievements stand up for yourself there’s a way that you can say respectfully you know this is not
1:13:38
something to be shared you can assert yourself during meetings you can assert yourself and advocate for Equitable
1:13:45
recognition establish yourself as a force to be reckoned with next one is
1:13:50
surround yourself with support as I mentioned earlier you know joining groups that you might need to get
1:13:57
therapy get the help that you need through other channels as well whether it’s your pastor or your Rabbi or your
1:14:05
friends whoever it is that you need to go to get the help you need if you are facing a difficult time in your life
1:14:12
alone it’s going to be so much worse and the next one is trust your worth your
1:14:19
worth is not something that’s changeable you are inherently worth Y and people
1:14:26
may have told you differently but that’s not it when you were born as a baby you knew that you were whole you knew that
1:14:33
you were complete the world started getting to you that you real you thought started to think that you weren’t okay
1:14:39
you know that you are whole and the next one is starting to
1:14:44
cultivate discernment starting to realize who’s for you who’s not in a
1:14:50
much faster way and having Integrity around that the last one is embracing
1:14:55
your imperfections realizing that you’re not going to be perfect and that’s a
1:15:01
beautiful thing nobody is perfect we are all human and that is part of being
1:15:08
authentic and that is part of being a flawed individual and and that’s what
1:15:14
connects us and that’s what makes us vulnerable and that’s what makes us
1:15:20
loving and we are all something to be accepted and we all have our own idioc
1:15:26
synr and we all have our own identity that’s part of our journey embrace you
1:15:33
for being you now if you’re dealing with a narcissist which I’m sure you probably are or you wouldn’t be watching this
1:15:39
video then you know what it’s like and almost nothing you think could possibly
1:15:46
shock you about them because they’re just heinous and awful to deal with but
1:15:52
there are some things that will absolutely absolutely shock you about narcissist so hang on and let’s get
1:15:59
started so the famous author Gore vdal actually once was quoted as saying you
1:16:06
can always spot the narcissist in the room it’s the person who’s better looking than you he was joking of course
1:16:13
but the the best jokes always have you know that grain of Truth in it so the
1:16:19
narcissist is the person that wants you to believe and wants to convince you that they’re better than you and every
1:16:25
way and that you are somehow less worthy than they are have less value than they
1:16:31
do because that’s what they really want you to believe the first thing I want you to know is the first shocking fact
1:16:38
about narcissist and that is how many of them that there are so I’m going to go
1:16:45
through some facts with you that I think are pretty shocking one is that
1:16:51
approximately six% of the population has actually been diagnosed with
1:16:57
narcissistic personality disorder and so if there are 360 million people in this
1:17:03
country and 6% of them have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality
1:17:09
disorder that’s six n oh excuse me 19,500 th000 people and if each one of
1:17:17
those people just narcissistically abuses five people in their lifetimes
1:17:24
that’s close to a 100 million people so just think about that and if you apply
1:17:30
that same formula to the population of the world which is 7.5 billion are you
1:17:37
ready for this 6% of 7.5 billion is
1:17:43
450 million people okay that have this narcissistic personality disorder and if
1:17:52
they if you actually overlay the number of people that lack a conscience or are
1:17:59
actually sociopathic as well then you are up to
1:18:04
69 697 million people who lack empathy or
1:18:10
without a conscience or have narcissistic personality disorder and if each one of those people just
1:18:19
emotionally abuses five people in their lifetime which is probably a low number
1:18:25
then you’re actually talking about the potential damage of over
1:18:30
3.4 billion people yes this is the
1:18:36
secret the secret Global pandemic and I just want to give a shout out to my friend Bri Bon who is the um licensed
1:18:46
clinical social worker and the uh designer host of narcissistic abuse
1:18:55
uh support day which takes place on June 1st of each year or somewhere around
1:19:01
there and I will actually drop a link below if you are interested in signing up for that free webinar that she hosts
1:19:08
every year I will be taking um part in that this year so and that’s from Bri
1:19:14
bonche so that’s fact number one that I think is absolutely shocking the next
1:19:21
thing that I find absolutely shocking about a narcissist is that it has
1:19:26
nothing to do with genetics it has well very little to do with genetics is what
1:19:31
they think it has everything to do with childhood and the other shocking fact about their childhood is it doesn’t
1:19:39
necessarily come from trauma yes it can be from having a traumatic event or
1:19:45
things happen in their childhood but it can also be from having parents who were actually overindulgent with them and
1:19:53
gave into them too much or told them how a amazing they were in every way but the
1:19:58
here’s the really key thing about that is that they were praised constantly for
1:20:03
the things that they did externally and they weren’t given any sense of feeling on uh valuable on the internal and
1:20:11
that’s the thing about narcissists is they have no internal sense of value and
1:20:17
so if they were raised in an environment where everything was about the external how did you look what kind of grades did
1:20:23
you get then they might have been ended up being raised with this feeling of a
1:20:29
lack of internal sense of value and um so that I think is actually pretty
1:20:35
shocking as well the other little thing about their childhood is that all
1:20:42
children are sort of narcissists as well as especially teens and so you know it’s
1:20:48
part of the de development of the human brain and the human emotions to you know
1:20:55
start to develop a sense of yourself by being kind of narcissistic and feeling
1:21:01
that the world revolves around you and it’s very common for two-year-olds to think that or even 15 year olds or 16
1:21:08
year olds so the thing about narcissism is that while it starts in childhood
1:21:15
like that it actually can’t be diagnosed until one becomes an adult and number
1:21:21
three the shocking thing about narcissism is that it’s actually not necessarily an
1:21:28
unhealthy thing just like a lot of other things with personality types and and
1:21:35
narcissism is a personality type it’s actually a trait uh unlike some other mental
1:21:43
disorders they the thing with narcissism is that we all kind of have an element
1:21:49
of narcissism in us we actually all want to feel seen heard and know that we
1:21:55
matter and we we actually all want to be validated by people and so there’s a
1:22:03
Continuum of narcissism that’s partially healthy it’s
1:22:08
when it gets into the illusions of grandor and when you’re
1:22:14
actually feeling no sense of empathy for another human being and you devalue
1:22:20
degrade and discard other human beings to the point of emot emotional abuse
1:22:25
that you’re actually inflicting on these other human beings that’s when that level of narcissism has risen to a level
1:22:32
of being unhealthy it becomes unhealthy or pathological in the sense that they
1:22:38
start to believe that their own pain their feelings are actually more important than others and they they give
1:22:45
no Credence or credibility or validation to others for their feelings or for
1:22:52
their contributions or their achievements that’s when it’s pathological and that’s when it becomes
1:22:59
unhealthy so and and and that’s where you start to look at the scale of what a
1:23:05
narcissist actually is and I have a video on am I married to a narcissist and I actually go through the seven
1:23:12
seven different personality traits that psychiatrists look at when they are
1:23:17
actually trying to determine whether or not somebody is a narcissist or not and
1:23:24
I will drop a link to that video below you’re going to want to check that out and if you are a victim of a narcissist
1:23:31
and you are so ready for change in your life give me an I’m ready in the
1:23:36
comments right now the fourth most shocking thing about narcissist is one of the things that I actually found the
1:23:43
most shocking when I really started to learn about narcissist because I had to deal with them so much in my law
1:23:49
practice and that is they’re actually the most scared most inse secure most
1:23:55
fragile personality on Earth you are actually so much stronger than they are
1:24:03
you’re the stronger one you’re the more secure one they know that and that’s why
1:24:09
they were attracted to you in the first place because remember there’s this symbiotic relationship between
1:24:15
narcissist and empaths and I talk more about that in my video on the covert passive agressive narcissist so you’re
1:24:21
going to want to check that out and I will drop a link to that below as well
1:24:27
but just remember that you are probably an empath because uh that’s what
1:24:34
narcissists are mostly attracted to they want the person who has the qualities
1:24:41
that they don’t necessarily have they glom on to you and they just kind of drain the life out of you but that’s
1:24:47
what’s happening in these uh relationships Underneath It All there’s
1:24:53
just fragile little personality an empty shell that feels no sense of value so
1:24:58
they attach themselves to people or or and people that they think are going to
1:25:03
help them feel more valuable and so they need an endless amount of supply and
1:25:10
they try to get that from that person they’re tremendously insecure they’re tremendously afraid of being rejected or
1:25:17
abandoned and so they act in this heinous way all to protect their fragile
1:25:24
little egos I recently had a conversation with Dr Romney and um as
1:25:31
many of my regular viewers know that I um did a lot of series with her and one
1:25:38
of the things that she said that really struck me is that she said that the narcissist is actually a very simple
1:25:44
personality to understand they’re not like normal people like you and I where
1:25:51
we are actually pretty complicated and there are a lot of different things that motivate us and a lot of different
1:25:56
things that cause us to do the things that we do or or want the things that we
1:26:01
want narcissists are actually pretty simple they’re just wanting to try to
1:26:08
get as much value from everything out in the world as they possibly can because they feel so empty inside it’s all about
1:26:16
survival for them so that’s M that’s the uh shocking fact um that I think is
1:26:23
actually the most shocking and that is that they are the most fragile scared
1:26:29
little creatures on the planet and number five this is the best one and
1:26:35
this is where I come in and that is that they can be motivated they can be
1:26:41
motivated to behave in certain ways and that in my world I call that motivation
1:26:48
leverage or strategy um and if you create enough leverage and you create a
1:26:53
strong enough strategy and you’re anticipating what the narcissist is going to do and focusing on you and your
1:26:59
case which is my slay strategy strategy leverage anticipate and focus on you
1:27:07
then you will be able to get them to behave the way you want them to they’re
1:27:13
basically two-year-olds in adult bodies and um the you’re you’re you’re
1:27:19
motivating the two-year-old to stop having a dandrum so when two-year-olds
1:27:25
have Tantrums they fall on the floor they scream they yell and they’re really just testing they’re testing the parents
1:27:31
to see how much they need to scream and yell in order to get what they want and
1:27:37
narcissists do the same thing they’re testing you they’re testing your boundaries they’re testing you
1:27:42
constantly and so when the two-year-old screams and yells and the parents give
1:27:47
in and give the kid the lollipop then the two-year-old goes aha so all I need to do is scream and yell and fall on the
1:27:55
floor and make it cause a big scene and they will give in so next time I just need to scream louder scream longer and
1:28:03
cause more of a seed and they will eventually give in so I’ll just keep on doing this until they eventually give in
1:28:09
and that’s what narcissists are doing and so you have to kind of implement
1:28:15
what we call a behavior modification system for narcissist and go I’m not
1:28:20
going to do that anymore I’m GNA do something else I’m gonna actually motivate you into behaving the way I
1:28:29
want you to behave here’s a little kind of thing about narcissists that I also I also think is sort of maybe shocking
1:28:36
fact number six and that is that they do know what normal behavior looks like
1:28:45
because they play the part you know they may not be able to feel any empathy for
1:28:51
you and they may not be able to give you emotionally what you want and they may
1:28:57
be act absolutely awful and emotionally abusive but they do know what good
1:29:05
behavior looks like that’s how they were able to love bomb you in the first place in the first phase of the the
1:29:11
narcissistic relationship remember the narcissistic relationship is love bomb to Value discard and they do sort of
1:29:18
vacillate back and forth between all of those uh different um stages of the
1:29:25
relationship but just remember that they do know what they are supposed to do so
1:29:33
you can actually create enough leverage
1:29:39
and enough motivation to squeeze them into behaving the way you want them to
1:29:44
and that to me is a positive shocking fact about a narcissist Shopify helps
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