5 Things That Frighten Narcissists To Their Core

Disclaimer: Transcripts were generated automatically and may contain inaccuracies and errors.

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is a narcissist torturing you and you’re sitting over there trying to figure out
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how can I make their life just as miserable as they are making mine or
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maybe even worse I’m going to give you five ways in this video this video we’re
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going to go through five ways to torture a narcissist now I have to give you a little bit of a caveat here because I
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don’t want to put you in any sort of danger and I don’t want you to put yourself in any sort of danger here so
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the what I’m going to walk through here is stuff that’s going to really drive them crazy it’s stuff that’s going to
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make them collapse go nuts and really put you in a position of power and
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that’s really what it’s all about right giving you that sense of authentic power putting you in a place where you can
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shift that Dynamic turn it all around so that you’re on the offensive for a
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change instead of constantly being being on the defensive and that’s what I want
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you to learn how to do because they’ve been conditioning you from the beginning
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whether it’s a family relationship whether it’s a a personal relationship a
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professional relationship whatever it is you’re constantly being conditioned in a lot of ways it’s almost like a frog with
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that slow boil do you ever hear that analogy of the Frog who’s sitting in that pot of cold water and they don’t
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even realize that the Heat’s being turned up so they don’t ever jump out because they’re still in it or the
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analogy of Death By A Thousand Cuts Like These little tiny paper cuts and all of a sudden you just like have so many you
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don’t even realize it sort of like that you’re over there kind of realizing oh my gosh how how did I get into this
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thing how do I get out of it what I want you to do is turn it around in baby
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steps and you’re going to figure out how to torture that narcissist in a way that
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they’re going to go H how did this happen to me if you haven’t subscribed
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here to this channel I invite you to do that now because every single day I am
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releasing brand new videos to give you free information free content that will
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help you get on the path to Freedom your path to going from drama trauma and
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chaos to that life of freedom to that life of having that power that you want
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to have the first thing that you want to make sure that you do is not take that
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bait you don’t want to have that emotional manipulation going on
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constantly because if you do what happens is they go fishing and that
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gives them the supply source that they want so the first thing you got to do is
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cut off that Supply source so I always say step one don’t run step two make a
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U-turn step three break free so the first thing that you can do is put that emotional shield down around you that
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Invisible Shield you can start to start look at them as if they are a third
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party having a tantrum on the floor and just look at them and start to say
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things almost like as if you are observing them I can see that you are
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upset I can see that you are angry demand respect for yourself this approach is not working for me thank you
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for the feedback start to hold it all at Bay because you’re no longer emotionally
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triggered by the process anymore so you’re not going to take the bait they
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go fishing and then they reel you in and then once you’re in you’re stuck you’re down in that mud with them and and now
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they’ve triggered you and they know exactly how to trigger you they go for those weak spots and then they have you
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you’re in and as long as they’re getting that that narcissistic Supply that hookup then they will never leave you
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alone and so if you want to start to torture that narcissist that very first
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way to torture a narcissist is to put on that shield and not take the bait that’s
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number one number two is shut down the gas lighting how do you shut down gas
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lighting you go that’s not how that happened that’s not how I remember it we
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didn’t have that conversation that’s not a funny joke the things that they do that are gaslighting
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so what is gaslighting gaslighting is things that they do things that they say
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to try to make you think that you’re crazy oh we didn’t have that conversation or we had that conversation
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don’t you remember or you’re misremembering the facts or whatever they try to destabilize you or make you
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think that you’re crazy by literally changing the facts why do they do that
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well to destabilize you and also because they’re trying to get out of responsibilities or they’re trying to
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just lie about things because they are being accused of things that they did do they didn’t do and they’re trying to get
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out of it or they just think it’s funny to make fun of you and get supply from
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that I mean there’s a whole host of reasons why they Gaslight but regardless
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you don’t want to be their supply source so you have to shut that down you can also document things and and keep track
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and that also shuts down the gas lighting so that’s number two I teach you how to do that in my programs and
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and the things that I do but that also helps you okay the next thing is gray
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rocking gray rocking short responses no yes uhhuh you know what
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gray rocking is it’s just sort of like you become a gray rock very boring just
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mhm yeah you’re not emotional you’re not you’re just so boring you don’t even
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have expression on your face just very brief short unemotional just pretend
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like you’re reporting the news oh I see I always tell people never Jade never
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justify argue defend or explain I always say I love Jade because you know I’m half Chinese and all of that but don’t
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justify argue defend or explain never in the history of any narcissist ever has
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one gone oh you know what I see your point I get it now oh you know you’ve
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really convinced me like they’re never going to come over to your side there so no response short responses gray rock
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got it so far if you got it so far put got it in the comments below got it got it so these are ways that we’re
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torturing narcissist here and if you are needing extra support join my free
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private Facebook group narcissist negotiators with Rebecca Zang that will help you tremendously and you’ll get
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extra support there if you want extra help in documenting narcissist I have a
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freebie for you it’s doc the.com doc.com it’ll tell you exactly what to document
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there so just go grab that doc the.com the next thing is exposing them
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exposing them that’s how you build your Leverage is starting to expose them you
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have to threaten a source of Supply that’s more important for them to keep protect to defend all of that that
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diamond level Supply is what I teach you how to do in my high conflict negotiation certification programs or my
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slay programs how to threaten that source of Supply they want to keep
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that’s more important and then they’ll let go of that source of Supply that
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coal level Supply that’s manipulating you jerking you around talking about you behind your back all of that stuff the
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flying monkeys they will let go of all of that if you sort of threaten a source
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of Supply ethically manipulate a s a source of Supply that’s more important for them to keep than the supply that
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they get from manipulating you so expose them we’ve gone through four so far
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we’ve gone through what don’t take the bait shut down the gaslighting gray rock
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short responses or potentially expose them and we’ve got one more number five
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you ready for it ready for it number five is move on and forget about them I
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recognize that is way easier said than done but if you can do all the other
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things that I am teaching you how to do then you can get to a point of being able to do number five you can
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go do the hair toss check your nails the whole boo thing and move on and say see
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you it’s SP real but see you later later dude or girl or whatever it is send them
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light I always say send them light but over there that’s what you do I do want to say before we get dive in that you
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want to make sure that you never put yourself in any sort of danger so if you
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are feeling like you are in any sort of danger please don’t put yourself there
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the point of this video is to hurt them in a way that is going to push them out
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of your life so that you can break free so that you can walk away so that you
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can erase them from your memor so that you can erase them from your life the real pain for them is to be erased
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that’s kind of the end game here so how do you get there how do you move toward
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that place right because you’re the one who constantly feels like this ain’t
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Fair how’s this happening everyone’s believing their lies they constantly get
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away with everything believe me I know I hear it all the time I hear the pain I
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hear the the constant feeling of you’re on the defense and you want to know how
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do I get on the offense by the way if you haven’t subscribed here invite you to do that now subscribe hit that
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notification Bell if you want phrases for disarming nurses say go ahead and grab my free phrases for disarming
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nurses is at disarm the.com they will help you in any situation and as well
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and I’m Rebecca zong I’ve written a bestselling book USA Today number one bestselling book slay the bully how to
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negotiate with a narcissist and win and I invite you to grab that too how do you
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hurt a narcissist forever well the first step for doing that is to create these
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super strong boundaries narcissist will push your boundaries they’re going to
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push your buttons they’re going to do everything they can to push your buttons
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they get supply from that what is supply Supply is anything that feeds this deep
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dark hole that’s inside of them they feel like they have no inherent value so
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they have to get all of their value from external sources I always say they’re like that chocolate Easter Bunny that
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looks really nice on the outside but on the inside there’s nothing going on it’s totally hollow inside at least that’s
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how they feel they look beautiful when they first come around but as soon as
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you see what’s going on inside there’s nothing there they don’t feel anything there’s no heart there in fact they take
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cues from other people on how they’re supposed to look as far as what it looks
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like to care it’s like they don’t actually feel the care they just know
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what it looks like to pretend to care that’s not caring they thrive on this
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manipulation they thrive on control but they also thrive on image what do they
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look like to the world so I always say there’s two forms of Supply Diamond
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level Supply which is their image how they look to the world and then what I call Coal level Supply which is
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manipulation and control now it’s really important that you understand those two different tiers of Supply because one is
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going to definitely be more important than the other and you can hurt them on the diamond level Supply more than you
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can hurt them on the coal level Supply although they love both they definitely
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love both and they want to keep both but that manipulation that control that pick
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pick pick that I want to get you I want to manipulate you that is less important than their image their image is going to
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be their all important thing so what do I mean by that well setting firm
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boundaries that’s going to be the very first thing that you can do to protect yourself so you’re going to want to do
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that first and foremost to just start the process of you healing and stopping the conditioning and
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shutting off that first form of supply for them and also for you to stop the
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that conditioning process and you to stop this pushing against you it’s you
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starting to say I’m not going to be manipulated it’s you starting to say I’m
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demanding respect for myself and it’s you just starting one little baby steps
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so just putting that invisible boundary down around you and saying I’m demanding
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that I get to be spoken to with respect no matter who you are no matter what
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situation you’re in I don’t care if it’s your mom your dad your sister your brother your boss your colleague no
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matter who it is you get to be treated with respect start just imagining that
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there’re a toddler having a tantrum on the floor and just when they get upset when they get angry just say you know I
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can see that you’re upset I can see that you’re angry we can resume this conversation when you’ve calmed down
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when you can be rational whatever words feel comfortable to you but you can say
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this approach is not working for me this conversation doesn’t work for me you can
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just walk away at that point and if they don’t like it that’s okay but you don’t need to remain in conversation where
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you’re being degraded where you’re being harassed where where some is putting you down no you don’t absolutely never and
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if somebody puts you down or if somebody says something to you that is hurtful or
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whatever you don’t need to say anything back you don’t need to say anything you
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can just say thank you for the feedback but never justify argue defend or
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explain I always say never Jade I always say I love Jade you know I’m half Chinese so I always wear Jade
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but never dat why because you’re never going to get a narcissist to go oh you
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know what I thought about what you said and you know I’m really feeling
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enlightened now I I’ve really come to believe that you’re right that’s never
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happening ever it’s never happened in the history of the world of narcissist
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if you ever do get them ever to say anything like that it’s because they’re manipulating you don’t bother just don’t
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justify argue defend or explain first thing set firm boundaries the second thing you want to do is then focus on
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yourself focus on your P personal growth focus on your success focus on who you
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want to be for yourself not looking to them to validate you not looking to them
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to support you not looking to them to give you anything that you are going to
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need for yourself because you’re not going to get it from them it’s not happening from that section of of Your
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World they want attention for themselves they want validate validation from you
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flowing in that direction so if you want to start shifting it this direction it’s
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not happening for you you need to pursue your passions and focusing on whatever it is
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that makes you happy whether it’s it’s your career your hobbies your children your family your friends whatever it is
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that that is your thing do you nurture meaningful relationships that matter to
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you prioritize your own happiness prioritize your own joy that will be
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ultimately the thing that will serve you and it will be a potent form of self-
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protection down the road it will definitely hurt that n narcissist because they’ll see that you’re moving
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on that you don’t need them anymore that you don’t care so much about what they think or they matter so much and it will
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hurt them focus on you in the comments I want you to write I’m focusing on me put
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that in the comments below I’m focusing on me and if you need ex extra support
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join my free private Facebook group narcissist negotiators with Rebecca Zug it’s a great place for support lots of
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great people in there supporting each other and I want to know what boundary setting techniques are you going to
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employ what which ones have you found to be in effective too I want to know that
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in the comments as well so just drop a comment below and let us know we are a community here and we’re helping each
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other out so drop a comment below and let us know tell us your story and share
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your insights share your insights with the rest of us so that we can learn from from each other’s experiences here so
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another strategy in all of this is prioritizing
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your emotional well-being so getting support getting support from others what
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does that mean it might mean therapy it might mean joining a support group it
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might mean going to get help from a pastor or uh you know your synagogue or
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wherever it is that you go what does a nurses is not want you to do have any
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body other than them they definitely want to isolate you and not want to see
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you go to people outside of their world but when you’re dealing with a narcissist it’s extremely emotionally
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draining and traumatizing it’s so toxic so you really do need to incorporate
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these sorts of things into your routine and then start thinking about healing what what are you going to do to heal
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heal yourself is it going to be breathing techniques exercise yoga all
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part of your therapy right mindfulness all of this is healing from that
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toxicity the more they see that you are taking care of yourself self-care
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pursuing your passions moving on creating boundaries it will definitely
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hurt a narcissist forever and the last thing is creating a strategy that
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includes leverage that’s all part of my slce strategy that will
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expose a narcissist and expose their true nature
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that diamond level Supply to others they have a very carefully crafted facade to
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maintain that image and shedding light on their manipulative Behavior or bad
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things that they’ve done or their lies or they’re for an addiction or they’ve
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committed domestic violence or that they’ve they’re a cheater or whatever it
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is can be incredibly damaging to them and hey if
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they didn’t want you to sh tell it then they shouldn’t have done it seeking support exposing their true colors
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getting what you want done those are the things that you can do to hurt a narcissist forever powerful strategies
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you first actually uh came into the news
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during 911 and talk about that you were holding a picture of your fiance and what
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happened there yeah I mean uh I was 26 years old I was working at Bloomberg
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News um and I was engaged to a guy I’d
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been dating for three years his name was James Andy ogrady he went by Andy and uh
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he was at work that day I went into work at 5:00 a.m. he went into work at 6:30 probably we had just gotten back from
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Greece so we were up really early and he was killed in the World Trade Center and that photo that became uh it was known
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as New York’s tragic face it’s in some museums and um you know it was in in
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almost on the cover of almost every newspaper in the world um a couple days after September 11th um was taken when I
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was at Belleview Hospital searching for Andy they had said that his name was on
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a list of uh one of the people that was found they kept making mistakes so that was actually common so people would line
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up at hospitals check to see if their loved one’s name was on the list everyone would be told no and then
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they’d walk away so that was where that photo was taken when I was at
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Belleview and you ended up taking like a month off to find him or something right
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yeah I mean listen so September 11 was a Tuesday by Sunday I was asked to be on Fox News and I did an interview with
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them and I remember them asking me as this 26-year-old girl who just lost her the love of her life and had no
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information like didn’t know and people are still talking about like having hope and I remember them saying well do you
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think that he’s still alive under the rubble and I remember thinking like hope
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is the thing that kills you kind of you know like no I’m smarter than and that if you look at what happened there’s no
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way that that he is alive and for me to hold out hope would just be stupid so I didn’t search for him for a month but I
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definitely had to take a month off to like figure out how to like breathe kind
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of again it was all very surreal and I will say it it it was not as hard the first month because everyone was going
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through it and everyone was there was so many questions and that was the only thing that anyone was talking about so I didn’t feel alone in losing him um the
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worst part was when everyone left like I didn’t spend one night alone for a month like my mom was there my two friends
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were there my my best friends at the time and um his friends were always over
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and the phone was always ringing but it gets lonely when the phone stops ringing when everyone else goes back to their
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life so uh I went back to work and it was really hard for me to go back to work because everyone was like going about their life like nothing happened
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when my life was totally changed so um yeah obviously that was something that that um affected me forever it’s like in
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my bones you know it’s something that I it’ll never uh the pain will never
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diminish from how I feel you know yeah so then from there you decided
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to get married um about a year or two years later maybe um I’m trying to remember
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the date actually so I ended up marrying a childhood friend who had had a similar
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um story he was like he worked in finance but he happened to be at caner Fitzgerald that day and uh had an early
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interview because he was trying to interview before you know so he could go before work so his work wouldn’t know
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that he was interviewing and he had just gotten out of the elevator when the plane struck everyone that he had the meeting with that morning so we hadn’t
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spoken since we were like 14 years old somehow we connected later you know like maybe a year later we connected about
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our stories and we became best friends and I ended up marrying him literally as a friend like we really were very
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platonic it was weird and I thought that that might be the right way to marry someone like just to
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not not be vulnerable enough where I was completely in love with them right because I was so scared of losing
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someone I had already lost my father when I was 15 years old he was 44 he was he had died of a cocaine addiction then
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I lose Andy who was like you know the guy who loves me unconditionally and so think the next time around I was like
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okay I’m not going to put everything into this person so a year after
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marrying him um I uh I I think that’s so
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September 11th I think I married him three years later so I think that um you know I A year later I said I think we
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should get a divorce that I want a love story and this is not it we’re just front so um you know I remember reading
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about that in the paper and it said something like oh I couldn’t even keep the marriage lasting or whatever but that wasn’t true it was just we were
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friends we weren’t meant to be married and
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so you know do you think that you were trying to like heal yourself or
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something like that I mean what do you think that you were like I think in that circumstance I just felt very close to
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him and felt like he had gone through something that no other people had been through even though he didn’t lose you
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know he lost people that he knew of course but he was there that day I don’t know I just felt very close plus I knew him from my childhood so I just felt a
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bond with him um but you know after that relationship is where I’ve kind of gone
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ay I mean you know that that one obviously didn’t work out but you know I’ve picked different people you know I
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think my selfworth every time went lower and lower but at the same time my belief
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that men would stay because of a choice or because of something terrible that happened um was like you know off the
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rails I didn’t really know what was true and I think you know it’s some interesting I’m 49 years old I have not
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been remarried I have a child with someone um who is a very difficult
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relationship even though I was only with them for two years or whatever and I’ve had many relationships since and I have
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a bad picker I’ve you know since that occasion I have made terrible decisions
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based on people who give me credibility I think in my eyes um you know picking very powerful
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men and if everyone in the room wants to know them and they want to know me and they want to you know they love me then
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I must be worthy so that’s how I Justified who I was with and then you
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know when you pick people like that that are powerful you tend to get people that have narcissistic personality traits um
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some of them may be diagnosed with it if they actually took the time to you know go see someone but a lot of them just
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haven’t been diagnosed but really possess these traits where you know they have so many traits that are that they
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that they consume you with you know you lose your sense of self because you you
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remember what it was like when you first met and how intoxicating that was and how it made you feel and then they make
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you feel the pendulum swing of the complete opposite and terrible but you almost can’t be without them because
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they convince you that you’re nobody without them and where do you think you’re going and you know um and you
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convince yourself that that no one else will want you and this is as good as it’s going to get yet when he’s great
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he’s great when he’s bad he’s terrible so there are so many you know aspects to that and the gaslighting is terrible and
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um but I think subconsciously too I’ve had a history of growing up with a narcissistic mother and so I think that
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I am used to that kind of um relationship and that kind of chaos and
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that kind of um interaction back and forth and that like zero to 100 and
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anger and negativity and um AB verbal abuse in some ways emotional abuse so it
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I I hate saying it felt comfortable but it almost felt familiar it’s familiar familiar yeah yeah yeah and and I sorry
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to interrupt you it almost felt like that’s what I assumed love was because if some guy wasn’t going like this up
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and down with me if they were like you know Straight Arrow there was no emotion
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that’s how I read it that they must not love me if they’re not being passionate and there’s no pull and push and T and
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breaking up and making up and calling me names and then being like Oh I love you so much I can’t live without you so you
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know I think if I didn’t possess that in a relationship I thought there was something wrong with
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it so insightful I mean you actually went on Celebrity Rehab because Dr Drew
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said that you were a love addict yeah so I had never heard that term and I remember when he came to me and uh asked
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me to be on the show I I was asked by Donald Trump to be on the apprentice and I said yes um because I really wanted
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people to get to know who I was but as it got closer I got very nervous about how I would be edited I thought that it
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could be it could go really negatively um but I wanted to do it because I was
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able to I forget what the word is play or whatever my my um cause was for the
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Red Cross and to me that was a big deal and Donald had told me that nobody had uh used it as a charity and because of
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September 11 and what they had done for me after I lost my fiance they gave me $100,000 for me to move out of my
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apartment and and put towards an apartment to buy from me which was amazing I mean I just it saved my life
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so um because my apartment was like kicking me out because I couldn’t pay the rent because my fiance was paying
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the rent you know like it was just weird but anyway um I really wanted to do The Apprentice and um Dr Drew came and said
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uh I I think you should be on my show um I said but I’m not an addict and he said
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well you are you’re a love addict so when he explained it to me and I started to understand what it was and I started
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to you know and I sat with with Drew uh and felt this connection to Drew and I
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felt seen I was like there’s no way that I don’t need this for real so I went
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into that show taking it completely seriously and I will say you know for people that
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don’t believe that reality shows are real I don’t know about other ones I’ve only been on Millionaire Matchmaker which was not real I can say but
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celebrity rehab was completely real the eight people that I was there with were going through um withdrawals they were
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trying to get through their traumas for those 30 days I think we filmed for 21 so for those 21 days we were uh taking
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very seriously even though the cameras were there and um two people out of the eight have actually died since from drug
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overdoses which is terrible um but but I remember thinking oh everyone’s here for
31:25
the for the money but then after I was in it for a while I said but who gives a [ __ ] it might have been what took them
31:31
to get off the drugs to come here but they were really doing the work so I appreciated being on that show and I got
31:37
to learn a lot about love addiction and I um dealt with a lot of the loss in my life and why I make choices based on the
31:45
trauma I had from relationships in my childhood and I went on tour with Dr Drew a little bit and we went on the joy
31:51
bayar show and all sorts of shows talking about love addiction and trying to bring awareness to
31:56
it do you think that it helped you do you feel like for sure I mean I
32:02
think it’s become more of a a you know people know the term now back then I was like wait a minute you mean sex addict
32:08
like you know I didn’t know the difference I didn’t really know what that was so yeah I I I learned a lot
32:13
from it I feel like I still call upon it today the tools that I have learned from
32:19
doing so much work with it the books I’ve read on it I think you know anyone who’s not familiar with love addiction
32:24
should you know it’s basically in simplest form people that Place love for
32:30
intensity um and so you know they think that this intense relationship is really
32:35
love when it’s really toxic and uh it makes you lose your sense of self and
32:40
you’re like addicted to this um toxicity you know and the and the ups and downs so you know I uh I appreciated
32:47
everything that I learned from it and again I I mean I still have all the books on my shelf in my office here that
32:53
um I’ve had for years and once in a while I flip through them and um I recommend them to my friends all the
32:58
time because I know so many girls who can’t get through a day when they’re going through a breakup or something in
33:04
their relationship and I’m always like okay you’re you’re acting like a little bit of a love addict right now let’s
33:09
let’s look at this and why you’re acting this way so what are some of the things that you
33:16
learned well you know I learned how to identify you know some of the traits I learned you know who who prays on love
33:24
addicts um it’s it’s you know I learned a lot about the attachment and you know
33:29
what we fear as somebody abandoning us is usually you know what ends up
33:35
happening because we pick the wrong people who are usually love addicts pick sex addicts or some other addicts right
33:42
and then um we we feel this hole uh is filled by them and then when that hole
33:49
is empty we we you know try and get them back so bad because that we think that we need them um and also the concept of
33:57
you know somebody will appear in your life and it’s almost like you put a mask over their head you don’t listen to anything that they’re saying you don’t
34:04
see their red flags or green flags you just superimpose what you assume to be
34:11
uh what you need right so I think a lot of people do this on dating apps they’ll see a picture and they’ll see a name and
34:17
they’ll see where they live and they might be like oh my God this one is the one and they’ll like come up with an
34:22
idea of who they think the person is right and then as they date them and time goes on they get disappointed by
34:29
things that maybe they really shouldn’t because they superimpose that on that person and that was never who that person was so I think there’s a lot of
34:35
that that goes on and but when you get to a point that you cannot function in your day in your work in your parenting
34:42
because you’re so consumed by your relationship that’s when you need to take a step back and you know look
34:48
within yourself to figure out why your sense of happiness and worth is based on the way someone else is interacting with
34:55
you so what do you do at that point what was what give give us some of the tools that you
35:00
learned um so basically I mean you know I think that it’s important to start to
35:06
look within like when you’re in that position I think so many people are
35:11
going outwards and trying to get that person back instead of thinking why do I
35:17
need that person in my life why why am I aching so much just to get their approval instead it’s about taking that
35:23
time to understand you know to break that cycle um and that’s the biggest
35:29
thing the cycle that happens um where the it’s a pull and and push and pull um
35:34
you know it can happen in domestic violence it can happen in relationships and it can happen in narcissistic abuse
35:40
relationships as well um because you know you you are scared of the
35:45
abandonment um and so you you pull person in and that makes the person run
35:51
and you know then you try and pull them back and it’s this it’s this terrible cycle and once you break the cycle and you spend time working on yourself and
35:59
thinking about um ways that you can be secure in yourself um that’s the only
36:05
way you can have a real relationship so for me the tools are when I realized um
36:10
you know like recently I was uh I met someone online and I started to date them and he checked you know people ask
36:17
me why oh my God I really like this guy you know and they’d say why well he checks all these boxes okay well after
36:22
four months I really didn’t know anything about him like I’m telling you now like I thought maybe four days ago like in love with this person I couldn’t
36:29
tell you one thing about them because you know I superimposed all these things on them and I started to realize I’m
36:35
becoming a love addict I’m addicted to the feeling of being in love when I don’t even know if this person is worthy
36:40
of my love right or worthy of me and and you know it’s those feelings of like oh
36:45
my God this person knows me so well and you know we get you know we just feel like we knew each other in another life
36:50
and we’re so bonded to each other well that’s not healthy because they need to get to know you they need to understand who you are as a person um you don’t
36:57
even understand who you are as a person so it’s important to keep your identity while you date someone else because if
37:03
you lose your identity it’s just going to be a whole mess and your happiness I mean that’s the thing that I want to stress your own happiness has to derive
37:12
from you and your life otherwise you will end up ultimately being unhappy even if you pick a great partner because
37:19
they can’t always make you happy they’re not always going to be in a great state in their own sense of self you know so
37:26
um I think it all starts to answer your question with you and taking a step back and realizing like what do I need to do
37:32
to be in a happy place in my life and not keep like trying to find uh the love
37:40
or the attachment or the fulfilling um things from other people and so anyway
37:47
this guy kept kind of you know not having meaningful conversations with me and just wanting to get close physically
37:53
and um you know doing things that were red flags and finally I I
37:58
uh said to him I couldn’t even get him to call me you know um and he I finally said listen I and this to me was a big
38:06
step step and it reminded me of something that I read in one of my books that you have to have boundaries like that was the biggest thing and I said
38:12
listen I know my worth I got a little carried away here that you know we took it this far I think that you must be a
38:19
nice guy but I’m really not bringing out qualities in you that are important to me which is great communication skills
38:25
and being reliable and that’s not happening here so um I want a love story
38:31
and I don’t think this is it so you know good luck and if it had been the right
38:37
person he would have come back and said oh my God you’re misreading this I’m so sorry I didn’t know you felt this way or whatever but he didn’t and for a second
38:45
I was like it was a little bit painful that he was like okay good luck to you too but at the same time I was like okay
38:50
wait I just stood up for myself I stood up for you know what I thought was important and what I want and and
38:56
everyone should know what is important to them and not settle for something that that they you know cannot settle
39:03
for because that is um ultimately what’s going to make you happy and be an equal in a relationship I’m very happy in my
39:09
job I’m very happy in my home I’m very happy with my rescue dogs I’m happy with my daughter obviously the one thing
39:16
that’s missing is a relationship I just have to realize and keep reminding myself that you know it has to work in
39:24
my life I’m not going to work in their life that’s just not where I am in my stage like I want to make sure that we
39:31
come together and we can share lives but like I’m not going to change 49 years
39:36
old I’m not changing something about me to go be with someone else I am very happy with where I am I just want
39:41
someone who can contribute to that happiness you know and make it even better that’s so beautifully said I love
39:49
that so good I love love love that and I hope everybody who’s listening to this
39:55
goes back and Rel listens to that because it so beautifully said so good so so so
40:02
good um and and so it’s really truly finding that authentic version of
40:07
yourself and breaking that trauma Bond because it really is a trauma Bond and I
40:13
want to just go back to um what you were talking about that Push Pull Push Pull Push Pull um
40:20
because there is a dopamine um addiction that happens in your brain and I just
40:26
want to make sure that I mention that on this episode and I have mentioned that in other episodes in uh my YouTube
40:33
videos and also on my podcast but I just want to make sure that I mention that here um that because it comes you know
40:41
when you are on in that high and when you are having that moment of love and
40:47
all of that your brain emits dopamine and that is the hormone of addiction
40:54
that’s that’s what happens when you know you’re playing these video games or you’re you’re playing the slot machine
41:00
or whatever it is that comes comes out and when when you are in love and when
41:08
that person is coming at you when you’re talking about being soulmates or you’re talking about knowing each other in a
41:14
different lifetime or whatever your brain is like dopamine dopamine dopamine and it’s dumping that uh you know at a
41:22
massive rate and and it’s like they’ve actually measured it and it’s higher than levels of cocaine at that time and
41:29
that’s why when a narcissist or or somebody like that goes you all the all
41:36
of a sudden and says you know I’m not going to call you right now or you know you know they go from a 100 hex a day or
41:42
whatever it is to like zero and why are you being so needy and I can’t come right now or whatever it is and and now
41:50
your body is like reacting to that and and and you know now it’s the cortisol
41:56
the stress hormone and and and you know now your body is is
42:02
literally craving that person on a physiological
42:08
level so you actually become physiologically addicted to that person
42:15
and and that is why it is so hard to break that trauma Bond it is is it’s
42:21
literally one of the hardest things to do in your life it’s so interesting that
42:26
you’re saying that because I felt exactly that and I’m glad you’re bringing this up because obviously what you’re saying is much more clinical
42:32
version of what I was saying but um you know I I felt like so he would be here
42:38
with me and then he would go back to where he lived in a different state and the communication would go down it would
42:43
just be a couple texts a day I missed you thinking of you and I would get so excited hearing that right and then but
42:50
I would want more I would want to know what he was doing and if he was you know like I would want to talk and that was
42:55
not at the beginning that’s how was and then it really wasn’t so I was like
43:00
aching for like more and more and more and when I wasn’t getting it I would you
43:06
know week in I would have a conversation like am I am I feeling something weird here is there something wrong no no no I
43:13
want this I really want so you know he would separate himself and it would make me you know try to get him even more and
43:21
then which would probably push him away by the way and then you know as soon as it was just this back and forth but
43:27
you’re right that it was these feelings of aching for him to like respond or to need me to or it was just ridiculous and
43:35
that that terrible feeling you know you can’t sleep at night sometimes you’re like wondering when you’re going to get the next text or hear from them or if
43:41
you did something wrong and that’s not a way for anyone to live it was terrible I didn’t even know this person so it was
43:47
ridiculous how your brain can do that yes exactly and so but like you said if
43:53
it’s an even thing if it’s and there’s actually a study by by the way on this it’s Robert
43:59
spolski and you can look it up um and it’s it it you know he he did a study on
44:05
monkeys on this and um it’s it uh that’s the study that I’m referencing so you
44:11
know and if you you know the study on monkeys was like if if the if they rang
44:16
the bell and and you know they did it every single time and you know they knew
44:22
when they were going to be getting this treat nothing happened to the dopamine levels in their brain but if they if
44:29
they didn’t know when they were going to get the treat and it was intermittent and it it was it was just the
44:36
anticipation the anticipation of not knowing when they were going to get the
44:41
treat the dopamine levels in their brain Rose to the level of cocaine wow and
44:46
yeah so it’s it’s it’s the it’s the anticipation it’s the not knowing it’s
44:52
the it’s it’s that hot cold it’s that Push Pull and so it’s what you were
44:58
saying was like those even um uh relationships the ones that
45:04
you know it’s the nice guys right right uh that empathetic ones the ones that want
45:11
to communicate with you and see you know if you are feeling like there’s a lack
45:16
of something going on they’re willing to talk about it and figure it out as opposed to kind of thrive on that and be
45:22
like oh good I’ve got her where I want her you know so I think it’s OB you know it’s obvious when you’re in a healthy
45:28
relationship as opposed to when you’re not when you’re not it feels uncomfortable and then feels amazing and
45:34
then feels uncomfortable but I don’t think with healthy relationships it’s like that I mean I don’t know I haven’t
45:39
had very many right but it’s it’s just a matter of retraining your brain to not
45:45
need to Crave that dopamine and just look for the even and be okay with that
45:52
yeah um because you know most of us who are craving that whole I think it’s
45:58
because we did grow up in unhealthy you know homes like what you
46:04
were talking about right and so it’s healing yourself and feeling that wholeness and feeling that worthiness in
46:12
ourselves and knowing that true authentic higher version of ourselves
46:17
and knowing that you’re worthy of that so I thought you know what you had said was so beautiful yeah and it’s so by the
46:24
way it’s so obviously as you know because you have a whole show on it and books on it but you know falling for
46:30
these kind of relationships and being in these toxic relationships it’s very common it’s very hard you know we’re all
46:36
damaged in some way so it’s hard to get to the work and the place in life where you can identify it where you can have
46:42
these boundaries easy I mean it’s work to to to put yourself first a lot um but
46:47
you know um I think that’s what we should all strive to remember um you
46:53
know when we’re in the throws of like you know um giving oursel away because we are so passionate about being in love
47:00
and that goes back to the love addiction you know it feels so good but it also feels terrible um when it doesn’t work
47:05
out so um you know and it’s interesting on my show misunderstood I I’ve done a
47:12
number of episodes on relationships on narcissistic abuse on you know all that
47:18
kind of topic because it is a relatable topic that almost everyone has been touched by in one way or another either
47:25
they’re one or they’re dealing with one whether it’s a parent or a spouse or something along those lines or in a job
47:31
situation yeah yeah totally well I mean it’s such a huge po part of the population right so um so you know
47:40
knowing who you are seeing the signs and you know being able to you know that’s
47:47
the first step and so you know for you now that you’ve seen the flags now you
47:53
know and and I think that you’ve really conquered a lot of it because look at
47:59
you I mean you’re you you’ve been able to say hey I know what I want these are my boundaries I’m good with I’d rather
48:07
live a full life on my own than be in a relationship that’s not serving me yeah
48:16
well that was distracting me that’s a word I kept using I kept thinking I’m I’m I’m distracted I can’t focus because
48:22
I’m too busy like looking at my phone like when is this person going to call or make plan with me or you know and um
48:29
yeah no but as I just said I don’t have I haven’t had many good relationships to to to use as an example but I’m I think
48:37
the work is in the trying and and the the shorter the experience is you know cutting off two years of your life
48:43
wasted with someone who is not the right person um because of narcissistic Tendencies or whatever it may be um you
48:50
know it gets shorter and shorter and I I am at the place where I’ve done enough work um and I’m happy enough and it’s so
48:56
hard to find your purpose and get to a happy enough spot but when you do find that um it’s great to have the right
49:02
boundaries because the the right person will come along and it’s better to be alone and not distracted by the wrong
49:09
type of thing or person than it is to waste your time and effort I mean I feel even though you know a couple days ago I
49:16
was like oh my God this is really hurting me this is upsetting that’s ridiculous I’m not hurt I’m not that
49:22
upset and I’ve noticed that I’m completely you know back on track with everything that I’m doing and I’m not
49:28
even thinking about it so it was just what you’re talking about the cortisol the dopamine the adrenaline whatever it
49:34
was and I needed to get through it for a second now it’s like it was like a drug went out of my body and I’m fine now so
49:41
proud of you okay so what is narcissist baiting and this is part of an overall
49:46
series of all sorts of 101 and I I’ve helped many many people
49:53
over the years by helping them in my law
49:59
practice through my courses and if you want a free way of helping yourself
50:08
respond to emails text messages or just even write those difficult emails or
50:15
text messages or even talk to narcissist I have a free tool for you it’s 15 key
50:21
phrases for disarming narcissist you can get that at disarm thee nar.com Cal so
50:27
go ahead and grab that so baiting baiting is a technique that all
50:33
narcissists use to provoke a reaction from their I’m going to say victims or
50:41
targets it is a way to get people reeled
50:47
in and what they want is that that hit that high and you know we call that
50:54
narcissistic Supply it’s a way of feeding their ego feeding that that need
51:01
that they have to feel validated to feed that that black
51:07
hole inside of them that makes them feel powerful that makes them feel like they
51:14
matter you know they don’t have any internal sense of value they get all of
51:21
that need that feeling of value sered from external sources and baiting is one
51:30
of those techniques that they use to serve that so they provoke a reaction
51:36
from people by doing things so they’ll they’ll send an email out there that
51:42
they know is going to annoy you by saying something that they know is not
51:50
true or they know is going to be inflammatory or they know is going to
51:55
upset you or they’ll say things that they know is inflammatory they purposely
52:01
stir things up and the goal of it is to get you to be angry to get you to
52:12
respond to them and then they do it for a number of reasons they do it because
52:19
they think it’s funny because they enjoy seeing you to upset they get a high from
52:26
it but beyond that it’s even it’s even worse they also use your reactions
52:34
against you so they’ll they’ll say look there’s the crazy person there’s the
52:40
there’s the one who is delusional there’s the one who shouldn’t have the
52:48
children there’s the one who is psychotic should be put away or whatever
52:55
they often are the ones who have the ability to stay calm and not
53:01
react and look the part of the normal person and and often times if it’s
53:09
marriage counseling or something like that they are able to sway the counselor
53:15
into thinking that the other person is crazy that they’re the ones who are the
53:21
calm normal ones or they can sway mediators into that or they can sway judges into that there was that
53:28
miniseries called I care a lot where the guardian was able to get the Aging
53:36
people to look like they were the ones who were crazy and get them committed so
53:42
that she could take their money you know because she would whisper in their ear
53:48
and make them look like they were crazy you know on camera that’s baiting you
53:54
know like getting people riled up they use all sorts of forms such as insults
54:03
name calling threats silent treatment you know there’s a number of different
54:10
forms that they’ll use but the most important thing that you need to remember is if you find yourself getting
54:16
baited not to take that bait because I mean they’re almost like fishing and
54:22
then they start reeling you in and you’re like with the fish with the hook in your mouth being pulled into it and
54:30
you don’t want to be that because the purpose of it is to evoke that reaction
54:37
from you and it’s it can be dangerous you know I say you know when you’re in a
54:42
case with a narcissist it’s like being arrested anything you do or say will be
54:47
used against you and it it makes them feel powerful and it makes them feel in
54:53
control it can often lead to verbal abuse physical abuse it empowers them
55:02
you know it’s very very important for you to remain in control and that’s why
55:07
I said you know go get my 15 key phrases at disarm the.com start with that try to
55:16
communicate with them in a respectful way consider leaving the relationship if
55:21
you need to but don’t allow them to take that control from you
55:29
say I’m in control and I want you to put that in the comments right now I’m in
55:36
control I’m in control because I don’t want you to allow them to take that
55:43
control from you I’m in control so put that in the comments right now I’m in
55:49
control okay don’t allow them that power
55:54
okay eight ways to outsmart that controlling narcissist by the way I have
56:00
a brand new book slay the bully how to negotiate with narcissist in whenn it is
56:06
literally in pre-order right now I’ve have tons of free bonuses for you go to slay
56:27
reel you in so don’t take their bait okay do not take their bait why do they
56:33
want you to take their bait because then they feed their ego they feed that need
56:40
inside of them for Supply so remember
56:45
they don’t feel inside like they have any value they literally have to get all
56:53
of their value from external sources is so yes it’s how they look to the world
57:01
yes it’s ego yes it’s winning yes it’s agulation yes it’s all of those things
57:08
but it’s also by controlling people debasing people degrading people manipulating
57:16
people that’s also a form of supply for them so when you take their bait when
57:23
they throw things out there to try to trigger you that gives them a high it
57:30
literally they get off on that so when they send you these long emails these
57:35
long texts these long things or something through their attorney or something that they know that is going
57:43
to trigger you and you go right in right in with them they’ve really got exactly
57:50
what they want and then now you’re sucked into the mud you’re sucked into the quicksand with that but there’s it’s
57:55
even worse than that because not only are you giving them narcissistic Supply
58:01
number one you’re giving them what they want but number two it also they use
58:07
your emotional reaction against you so if you are in any kind of a situation
58:14
where either you are in a potential court case or
58:21
negotiations of any sort or you could be down the road ever they will use it
58:28
against you okay they will say look there’s the crazy one they sit over
58:33
there calm cool collected not one bead of sweat has ever touched their brow and
58:40
you look like the crazy person and they use your reactions against you you know
58:47
one of the greatest examples of this is in the mini series I care a lot I did a
58:54
whole video on this where the woman who was the caregiver of these elderly
59:01
people went up to the woman The Other Woman the elderly woman and whispered in
59:07
her ear while the camera was playing she you know she would get these elderly
59:13
people to become like her Wards right so if she was their Guardian then she would
59:20
get control of their money and she’ basically take their money right and and
59:26
so she would get them in front of these the judge and have them declared
59:31
incompetent she would put them into these nursing home facilities and she would get control of their money so when
59:39
there was a hearing coming up for This Woman’s capacity in front of this camera
59:46
she whispered in front of the camera all sorts of things to get her upset I’m
59:55
going to do this you’re this you know all sorts of things Whispering quietly
1:00:01
and the woman like went nuts in front of the camera and looked like crazy person
1:00:10
insane person who basically needed a straight jacket needed to be restrained
1:00:17
The Other Woman the caregiver person was like oh my gosh look at that wow it’s
1:00:25
ter terrible this crazy old elderly person who is obviously doesn’t you know
1:00:32
have her capacity so she literally took her bait hook line and sink her and
1:00:38
that’s what happens with narcissist so and I did a video on that which you can
1:00:45
check out if you’d like but that’s what they do and it doesn’t have to be in
1:00:51
that kind of situation you know that they can say you know you’re a deadbeat dad or a you know horrible mother and
1:00:58
you can you know sit there and say what are you talking about I just picked them up from school I just fed them their
1:01:03
snacks I just took them to baseball or whatever are you kidding me I just paid child support you know whatever it is
1:01:10
and then you’re down into it and you’re in the thick of it and you’re in it don’t take that bait because you don’t
1:01:16
need to prove anything to them they are not the judge they are not the jury okay
1:01:22
you don’t need they are not the person you need to prove anything to so who cares what they say don’t take their
1:01:30
bait that’s number one number two don’t engage in conversation with them or in
1:01:36
any conversations that are emot emotional or or argumentative or or any
1:01:42
conversations about the past you know this is another way to not take the bait
1:01:48
but really to outsmart that controlling narcissist because again they’re going
1:01:54
to try to drag you into these things but don’t talk about the past because that’s
1:02:00
something else that they’re going to do they’re going to get you to talk about something that happened 20 years ago if
1:02:05
they can especially if you’re trying to call them onto the carpet about
1:02:11
something that happen now if you are going to get them to be held responsible
1:02:18
for something today they will definitely try to project and deflect about any
1:02:26
anything else because they don’t want to be held responsible for something that’s going on now so they’re going to try to
1:02:32
do anything they can to get that conversation off of that so don’t engage
1:02:39
in that don’t start getting argumentative don’t get emotional you
1:02:45
know by the way I have phrases for disarming narcissist which you can download it’s totally free go to disarm
1:02:53
the.com highly recommend that you grab that disarm the.com you know don’t
1:02:59
engage don’t get emotional don’t get argumentative with them total waste of time you’re not going to convince them
1:03:06
of anything you know they’re not going to go oh you know what I get it now I see what you’re saying oh yes now you
1:03:14
know what I was wrong they’re not doing that so what are you do it just stop
1:03:22
stop yourself all right set boundaries stick to them that’s the next one set
1:03:29
boundaries stick to them you know what I say step one don’t run step two make a
1:03:35
U-turn step three Break Free remember what’s negotiable contracts issues terms you
1:03:43
know what’s not negotiable your selfworth your self-esteem all right so step one don’t
1:03:51
run that’s where you’re putting your boundaries into place step two make a
1:03:56
U-turn step three Break Free okay avoid confrontation as much as possible all
1:04:04
right next one don’t try to change them
1:04:10
don’t try to fix them don’t try to change what their beliefs are don’t try
1:04:17
to get them to acknowledge anything you did or anything that you know your
1:04:24
accomplishments any kind of conversation like that is a waste of your time your
1:04:29
energy your good life on this Earth your
1:04:34
breath all of that creative wonderful energy that you have is just better
1:04:41
spent doing other things on this planet you know you can say things to them like
1:04:47
I agree that’s what you think or you can say things to them like that’s an interesting
1:04:53
perspective you know just say things like that just to keep things flowing
1:04:59
the next one is remember that you your selfworth who you
1:05:07
are has absolutely nothing to do with them you
1:05:15
are whole and complete and it has absolutely a separate value from who
1:05:23
they are your selfworth does not depend on what they say what they do and the
1:05:29
more time that you spend giving them and and thinking about what they’re doing is
1:05:36
less time that you have to create and be the highest version of yourself so you
1:05:43
know that was one of the massive huge aha moments that I had when I was
1:05:50
extricating myself from a narcissistic relationship I realized that every moment that I was giving to this person
1:05:58
I was in victim mode and so I needed to stop so you know do what you need to do
1:06:04
to get out of that relationship and think about it when you have to when you’re strategizing or creating your
1:06:10
leverage or whatever remember my Sligh methodology strategy leverage anticipate and focus on you so when you’re thinking
1:06:18
about it think about it but any other time you got to be in create mode you
1:06:25
know get yourself the gift of being the
1:06:30
highest best version of yourself think about something else that you can pivot
1:06:36
to that is going to keep you in creation mode you know is it going to be writing
1:06:43
that book that you’ve always wanted to write is it going to be helping people
1:06:48
is it going to be coaching people is it going to be devoting your life to
1:06:53
something that you’ve always wanted to devote life to you know your children is
1:06:59
whatever it is you got to Pivot into something else because you you your
1:07:05
selfworth all of that has nothing to do with them they are broken people and so
1:07:12
however they’ve been toward you in the past has nothing to do with you okay people the way people treat other people
1:07:19
is a direct reflection of the way they feel about themselves good or bad you
1:07:24
know they’ve treated you poorly because they don’t feel good about the way they feel about themselves inside so you
1:07:32
can’t take it personally the next one is stay positive stay up beat around them
1:07:41
let them know that you’re like Teflon you know just let it R fly off you’re
1:07:47
like or or like a duck’s back it just you know rolls off of you because as
1:07:52
long as they think that that’s what’s happening then it’ll start they’ll start
1:07:59
to be disinterested because you’re not taking the bait anymore you are calm you’re not
1:08:07
emotional you’re happy you’re not interested in giving them Supply anymore
1:08:14
and the less and less all of that is interacting then they’re going to be
1:08:21
very much surprised so step one don’t run step two make that uturn step three
1:08:27
break free so you’re literally turning this around so that you’re no longer
1:08:33
backing away you’re no longer on the defensive you’re you’re turning around
1:08:38
you’re walking forward you’re now on the offensive and that’s how you start to stand in your power and that’s how you
1:08:45
start to break free so I want you to put in the comments right now I can do this
1:08:50
because you can do this you absolutely can all right the next one is you
1:08:56
maintain your individuality you maintain your Independence as you start to break
1:09:03
free as you start to become powerful as you start to become confident you will
1:09:09
start to see yourself as separate you will start to see yourself as something
1:09:14
different and you will start to see that power coming underneath you that’s when
1:09:20
you start to see that wind coming underneath your wings be prepared for drama be prep prepared for
1:09:26
manipulation because they won’t want to see that Supply Source coming away from them you know narcissist are always the
1:09:34
worst right before they’re ready to give up you’re it’s like a toddler having a tantrum you know I mean it’s it’s as
1:09:42
that baby is being kind of conditioned they get worse and worse and worse so be
1:09:49
prepared for that drama that drama trauma and chaos but you can do this
1:09:55
right you put that in the comments already right I can do this because you can all right and lastly get that
1:10:02
professional help that you need right so you will need help you will will need
1:10:08
support you will need a support system make sure you join my free private Facebook group narcissist negotiators
1:10:15
with Rebecca zong join that you will need help you will need support you will
1:10:20
need a support system you get professional therapy if you don’t have
1:10:27
access to it we do have a partnership with betterhelp you can go to betterhelp.com Rebecca zung and get that
1:10:36
online support therapy if you need access to that we receive commissions it
1:10:41
doesn’t cost you any extra we just want you to have the help and support that you need uh make sure you subscribe to
1:10:48
this channel as well we want you to make sure that you have everything that you
1:10:54
need I’m here providing free resources for you every day as an attorney helping
1:11:01
you negotiate with narcissist helping you communicate with narcissist every single day remember that you have a
1:11:09
voice you have a voice you have a right to have a voice you have a right to speak your truth today we are diving
1:11:16
into really fascinating topic and it can be really a challenging and emotionally
1:11:22
draining topic for those of you who are trying to desperately reclaim your power
1:11:29
and especially in high conflict situations you’re trying to navigate
1:11:34
them you’re trying to negotiate them you’re trying to communicate this is where I thrive because I’m trying
1:11:42
desperately to help you right I want to see you turn that around I want to see you get your power back and I have a
1:11:49
certification program where I train coaches on how to coach people on this
1:11:55
so so it’s a it’s a very very crucial topic so narcissistic Fallout four types
1:12:00
of dissociation it’s what happens for people when they get so emotionally
1:12:07
drained and understanding these types of dissociation can help you reclaim your
1:12:13
power and navigate these high conflict situations with confidence dissociation
1:12:19
is a common response to the trauma that is inflicted by narcissistic abuse it’s
1:12:27
the way we start to cope it’s our minds helping you it’s our mind saying let me
1:12:34
protect you let me help you with this stress level and this emotional pain
1:12:41
that you’ve been dealing with all right so I’m going to break down four different types of dissociation that you
1:12:47
may have been experiencing during and maybe even after the Fallout and stick
1:12:52
around till the end because what I’m I’m going to do is I’m going to give you some practical strategies to manage and
1:13:00
overcome the dissociative states that you’ve been dealing with okay the first type of
1:13:06
dissociation is depersonalization and so this is when you feel like almost like you’re
1:13:12
detached from yourself at this point like almost like you’re not even there
1:13:18
and you’re observing the interactions from a distance and you’re almost like
1:13:24
not even even like yourself anymore like who Am I who what’s happening I don’t
1:13:30
even know anymore what this is I’ve seen people in this state like in helping
1:13:36
them and it’s so difficult to see people in this almost like robotic State you’re
1:13:42
detached from your own emotions your own reactions you’re going through the emotions like often times people say I’m
1:13:49
just going through the motions without really kind of truly connecting to what’s happening you’re at a family
1:13:56
gathering and maybe a narcissistic family member starts to criticize you
1:14:02
harshly and instead of feeling hurt or angry you just feel numb just things are
1:14:08
just like in bouncing off of you like I tell people to put like this invisible shield down around them but it’s not the
1:14:15
same thing as that Invisible Shield because when I say to people to do that there’s like a a control aspect to it
1:14:22
there’s like an agency aspect to it like you are aware that you’re doing something and you are taking affirmative
1:14:29
steps this is almost like you’re just there you’re not taking any steps it’s just like okay if you can relate just
1:14:37
give me a totally in the comments or an amen in the comments the next one is derealization this is when the world
1:14:43
around you feels just like unreal or like a dreamlike state like this is
1:14:48
where people say I’m living in a fog and everything just seems sort of distorted
1:14:54
or strange like you’re just might be like walking through your own home but
1:15:00
it feels foreign like you’re in a movie set and instead of reality the the
1:15:06
furniture or the rooms even feel odd or out of place you’re just seeing things
1:15:12
like sometimes you don’t even recognize things that you should be recognizing right your work and your
1:15:19
boss starts to berate you in front of your colleagues and like the office feels serene
1:15:26
and colors seem out of place maybe sounds starts to feel muffled it’s like
1:15:31
you’re moving through a dream because like sometimes this kind of disconnection can almost feel kind of
1:15:39
terrifying if it can get that far removed you can actually start to question your sanity when that happens
1:15:46
okay the next one the next level is dissociative Amnesia and this is where
1:15:55
you actually can’t recall important information about yourself about events
1:16:03
about like you can’t remember where you put Keys it’s like losing chunks of
1:16:09
memory and like what happens is you have so much cortisol going on in your brain
1:16:15
that it actually shrinks your hippocampus and you just actually start
1:16:20
to not be able to think clearly at all so like for example after he it argument
1:16:26
with a narcissist you find yourself like not being able to remember significant
1:16:32
parts of the conversation this is really a defense mechanism it actually Shields
1:16:38
you from emotional pain it’s the same thing is when somebody’s like in a car accident or something and they actually
1:16:45
can’t remember huge chunks of the car accident like you might remember parts of the experience but you don’t remember
1:16:52
big details of it like you might recall feeling angry or sad but you can’t
1:16:57
recall like exactly what was said to trigger the emotions like an example
1:17:03
might be like at a social Gathering or a meeting like you’re asked to talk about
1:17:09
it and you realize that you have no memory of it at all like somebody might say something that you did or said and
1:17:17
you realize that you can’t remember something that happened like recently and it can be kind of troubling all
1:17:23
right so the next one is identity confusion or
1:17:29
alteration and this occurs when you feel uncertain about who you are this is like
1:17:35
where you completely lose your sense of self and this is when you’ve had prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse
1:17:44
and you might feel like you’ve lost touch with your true self you are like adopting traits that you don’t even
1:17:50
recognize yourself maybe you’re trying to appease The Narcissist you might start questioning your own values you
1:17:56
might start questioning your own interests you don’t even recognize your personality I mean I I had a client a
1:18:04
one-on-one client one time who was literally getting sick she was in the
1:18:09
hospital she just she she was actually like completely losing her sense of self
1:18:15
from narcissistic abuse until she was able to extricate herself from that
1:18:21
situation and now she is a completely different person her name is Nicole and she often talks about how um my slle
1:18:29
program completely saved her life I think that this is where prolonged exposure can really really be so toxic
1:18:37
so you know you might find yourself like maybe dressing differently or speaking differently or engaging in activities
1:18:46
that you might never have before just trying to fit the mold of the narcissist
1:18:52
I mean I’ve seen people do sexual things that they have not wanted to do and all sorts of things and it really can send
1:19:00
people into a sense of complete and utter confusion and despair and it can
1:19:07
be really really horrible so I mean if this is you you know there is help out
1:19:13
there get the help and support that you need certainly if you are in danger or
1:19:20
anything like that please you know call your local shelter or the domestic abuse
1:19:28
hotline or certainly call police if you need to get the help and support that
1:19:33
you need if you need counseling get that join my free private Facebook group if
1:19:38
you need it now what can you do grounding technique staying present grounding touching nature putting your
1:19:46
feet on the ground can be really really helpful just any kind of touching of
1:19:52
nature splashing water on your face naming five things that you can see four
1:19:57
things that you can touch three things that you can hear two things that you can smell one thing you can taste that
1:20:02
like anchors you in the here and now it’s like things that you can do that like grounding you into your senses
1:20:09
that’s a really good thing that gets you back into your present moment mindfulness and meditation re regular mindfulness can be
1:20:17
really really good to reduce dissociative episodes apps like headspace or calm or great tools for
1:20:25
this just spend a few minutes each day focusing on your breath let’s talk about why narcissists dish out that ultimate
1:20:33
punishment or what that ultimate punishment is and why they do it so first of all let’s talk about the
1:20:40
beginning of the relationship with a narcissist so they start off at the
1:20:46
beginning of the relationship basically conditioning you so they are testing you
1:20:51
they want to make sure that you are going to be a good good source of Supply so they they start off obviously with
1:20:57
that love bombing stage as all narcissists do they’re you know making sure that they are looking perfect to
1:21:05
you they’re very good at reading people so they know how to present themselves
1:21:10
as being absolutely perfect they have that kind of chameleon quality of themselves to
1:21:19
present themselves to be absolutely amazing to whoever it is that they need
1:21:26
to do that for at the beginning they can’t hold that very long you know it’s
1:21:31
like it’s not a a natural state for them um so they they they need to get progress to the next level as quickly as
1:21:38
they possibly can during this phase they’re really testing you they’re grooming you they want to see what your
1:21:44
weaknesses are they want to see how quickly they can uh get to the next
1:21:49
stage they’re conditioning you they’re starting to imprint you so they want to see how much they can get away with so
1:21:56
they start dropping these little things to devalue you to see what they can um
1:22:03
get away with so you’ll you know you’ll start to get these little barbs they they’ll say things or they’ll start to
1:22:09
ghost you a little bit or they’ll start to do things and just to see like are
1:22:14
you going to do something about it are you going to stick around are you GNA let them uh get away with it you’ll
1:22:21
start to see that gaslighting you’ll start to see the ghost interesting by the way if you want to know more about
1:22:27
what the gaslighting phrases are that they use you can definitely check out my video on narcissistic gaslighting
1:22:33
phrases I have a whole video on the actual phrases that they use uh which I recommend that you check out you know
1:22:39
they start to have their flying monkeys they start to be passive aggressive I
1:22:45
definitely saw this with the business person that I had to deal with I had a
1:22:50
covert narcissist I had to deal with in a business type of a setting and um I
1:22:55
definitely saw this passive aggression kind of a thing and it was like very very confusing and why do they do that
1:23:03
well because they want you to be confused I had a client one time who
1:23:09
referred to it as scrambled eggs for brains and um you know they they don’t
1:23:14
think about this consciously but when they are doing that they’re basically
1:23:20
destabilizing you they’re basically uh reprogramming your brain to make you
1:23:28
think that they are the powerful ones that they are the one in control that
1:23:33
they’re smarter than you that they know more than you even though they attached themselves to you because they kind of
1:23:39
felt like you knew more that you had more power that there was something great about you but then that gives them
1:23:46
power to actually be able to manipulate this person that they thought had power
1:23:52
it’s like really really effed up but that’s what they’re doing they do all of this because this confused destabilized
1:24:00
person is actually much more easily manipulated now and so now you’re going
1:24:08
when relationship starts to collapse uh and you’re going into you know that last
1:24:14
phase of the relationship where you’re no longer going to be in
1:24:20
relationship now you still think this person has all this power and I just want you to remember that a
1:24:27
lot of times when you’re thinking they know so much more they’re
1:24:32
so good at everything a lot of times when you’re thinking that when you think that they’re so smart or they’re so uh
1:24:40
great A lot of times it’s really just the imprinting that they have caused to
1:24:47
happen to you they’re programming on you I I I just want you to know that um because they’re they’re trying to
1:24:55
have your own sense of self removed and a lot of times depending on how long
1:25:00
you’ve been in relationship with this person it’s it’s worked I mean how many times have I I’ve worked with people
1:25:07
where they’ve said I don’t even recognize myself anymore this is not who I am this is not what you know how I
1:25:12
used to be I didn’t used to feel like this about myself but you know that’s what happen so when the
1:25:19
relationship uh comes to an end during this kind of discard phase they they really want to hurt you and uh why
1:25:27
because they want to make you look bad before you can make them look bad they want to punish you for leaving them or
1:25:33
even if they’re leaving you they still want to punish you um because you know with a narcissist it’s either you’re
1:25:39
either for them or against them you know it’s all very black and white with them and if I’m right so far and you know
1:25:45
that I am give me a so right in the comments right now just you know give me slip me that so right all right so what
1:25:52
are their ultimate punishments and anything that they know is your Achilles heel anything they know is your weakness
1:25:59
you know if it’s a divorce situation it’s going to be your kids or you know anything that they know uh is that that
1:26:06
one thing so number two is anything they know that you want so if you’ve said I
1:26:11
want this and they’re going to make sure they go after that I mean that’s what happened with me you know I had this um
1:26:17
sort of business relationship with a particular person and I had mentioned oh you know I definitely want to make sure
1:26:23
I maintain a certain thing well that was the one thing that she made sure that you know she went after that was my one
1:26:30
of my mistakes this is before I realized I was dealing with a narcissist by the way after this relationship that’s when
1:26:37
I started learning all about narcissism and started teaching on it and you know
1:26:42
I knew all about negotiations before that but you know now I really know all this stuff number three is anything they
1:26:49
know you love again Achilles heel anything they know you want anything they know you love number four you know
1:26:57
what’s an ultimate punishment continuing to make you as miserable as possible
1:27:02
they get supply from that so remember that don’t give them that
1:27:08
satisfaction that gives them Supply and number five number five is what is an
1:27:15
ultimate punishment they love to dish out is that they are extremely vindictive they have no shame and they
1:27:23
have no remorse so those are the types of things they like to do why do they do it because it gives them narcissistic
1:27:31
Supply everything they do is because of narcissistic Supply and in other videos
1:27:37
I talk all about how you can cut off their supply and that’s my whole slay
1:27:42
program is all about that and creating that leverage and how to ethically manipulate the manipulator Shopify helps
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