Divorce is one thing people hope to never see in their future. Even the most amicable divorces are painful. High conflict divorces, though, are a whole different ball game.
When you divorce a narcissist or high conflict individual, you’re bound to experience a wave of tumult and negativity. Narcissists do everything in their power to drag out the divorce and drain you financially and emotionally.
It might seem like there’s no light at the end of the impossibly long tunnel—and that once you finally do emerge, you’re so exhausted and defeated that you have no energy to move on and heal.
However, there are several techniques you can follow to ensure you not only survive but thrive through your high conflict divorce.
A Narcissist’s Playbook
Narcissists and other high conflict individuals have common strategies they rely on to ensure your divorce is as long and painful as possible.
They Drain You Financially
High conflict personalities thrive on having a sense of control. When their marriage falls apart and they no longer have the option to control you within the marriage, they do everything they can to control the divorce proceedings and, more importantly, take away your control.
This results in an incredibly long, drawn-out divorce—in fact, most divorces involving narcissists take three to four years. High conflict individuals love to file motion after motion, hide or “forget” to disclose certain assets or financial statements, and do everything else in their power to drag out the divorce. This costs you thousands in legal fees and takes its toll on your mental health and energy, further removing your motivation and sense of control.
They Weaponize the Children
If you have kids with your narcissistic or high conflict spouse, be prepared to watch your spouse use the kids as a weapon in the divorce.
This means they’ll repeatedly claim the kids are the most important thing to them while you know it’s all a show. They might ask for an unfair custody arrangement and work to turn the kids against you. They may conduct a smear campaign against your character to “prove” you’re an unfit parent. They see the kids less as individuals and more as an opportunity to take away your control of the situation.
They Wage War on Your Reputation
The smear campaign is a favorite weapon of narcissists and high conflict individuals. They rely heavily on spreading false information about you so they can take you down before you can take them down.
High conflict individuals do this in several ways. If you have kids, they’ll tell people you’re an unfit parent. They may claim you’re an alcoholic, a cheater, or a liar.
What Can You Do?
Dealing with the effects of just one of the techniques in a narcissist’s playbook is exhausting and degrading. When your high conflict spouse unleashes every strategy on you, you can end up feeling like you have no power to do anything—and that’s exactly the way they want you to feel.
Luckily, there are ways you can protect yourself from their attacks and use the situation to your advantage during negotiations.
Document Everything
Whether you’re dealing with financial drain, weaponization of your children, or a smear campaign, one of the best things you can do is document everything. Items to document include:
- Instances of slander or libel
- Every financial interaction
- All communications, including those regarding children
You can use all this documentation in future negotiations to get what you want. Remember that your attorney can be an invaluable resource throughout your divorce, but it’s your job to give them documentation to present your case.
Remain Calm and Levelheaded
As infuriating as it can be to try to negotiate with a narcissist, it’s vital that you don’t let your feelings get the best of you. A good rule of thumb is to imagine a judge looking over your shoulder in every interaction you have with your spouse as well as anything you post on social media about them. If it doesn’t make you look good in front of the judge, don’t post or send it.
Here are some other techniques you can follow to ensure your communications are as peaceful as possible:
- Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain)
- Observe, don’t absorb
- Respond, don’t react
- Speak slowly and lowly to bring down the tension
Prepare and Focus on Your Goals
Overall, you want to ensure that you’re overprepared for every negotiation. This means you should understand the key issues you’ll discuss, your spouse’s position, your best-case scenario, and your worst-case scenario.
One of the best ways to prepare for negotiations is to create leverage. Find out what your spouse’s “diamond-level supply” is (meaning the thing that they value most of all). With narcissist’s, this diamond level supply is often something like praise, prestige, or power. You can use their diamond level supply as leverage. For example, if you threaten to expose something about your spouse that would make them look bad in front of others (which is their worst fear), they’ll often relent.
Additionally, remember to focus on your own goals. You’ll need to defend yourself against your high conflict spouse, but you should also prepare your own case to achieve your desired goals. You can often do this by offering the narcissist a concession (something you’re willing to part with but know they need in order to feed their supply). Then, you can take back something that they don’t value but that means a lot to you. Basically, you’re tricking them into thinking they’ve won, even though you’ve actually gotten what you want.
Additional Help
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or underprepared to negotiate with your high conflict spouse, you should consider taking an online negotiation skills course or hiring a high conflict divorce coach. Additional outside help can only strengthen your case (and your confidence).
No matter how narcissistic or prone to conflict your spouse is, remember that by following these helpful strategies, you can survive your divorce and come out stronger.