I am beyond excited to bring you Dr. Frank Anderson because this conversation is all about healing—healing your life, healing your soul, and healing the way you show up in the world. If trauma has been doing the talking, the choosing, and even the running of your life, you might not even realize it—but Dr. Anderson is here to change that. He’ll help you stop the cycle so that your true self can finally step in and take control.
Dr. Anderson is a Harvard-trained expert who has spent years on the clinical side, but recently he shifted his focus to bring the healing message of Internal Family Systems (IFS) to more people. I promise you, you’re going to want to listen to our conversation (probably more than once) because he shares so many profound insights that will change the way you think about trauma and empowerment.
Trauma: The Hidden Force Running Your Life
Here’s the thing: trauma talks for you, makes your decisions, and runs the show—until you heal it. That’s something I’ve experienced personally, and I know many of you have too. Dr. Anderson explains how so many of us unconsciously live through the lens of unresolved trauma. But when you take the steps to heal, you unlock the power to live from your authentic self.
And let me tell you—Dr. Anderson isn’t just staying up in the “Harvard Ivory Tower.” He’s bringing his wisdom directly to all of us because he knows how important it is to make trauma healing accessible for everyone. I felt such a deep synergy with him as we talked about the calling we both feel: to help people take back their lives from trauma, toxic relationships, and dysfunction.
Narcissism, Labels, and Compassion: Seeing the Bigger Picture
Something Dr. Anderson said really hit home for me. These days, the word narcissist is everywhere—kind of like the “it” word of our time. Just like how “ghosting” became a buzzword, now everyone’s talking about narcissists, and for good reason!
We live in a world where powerful people—especially men—are finally being held accountable for toxic behavior, whether it’s in Hollywood or everyday life. But here’s where Dr. Anderson’s wisdom really shines. He talks about how our society tends to label people with trauma histories too harshly. For example:
- Men with trauma are often labeled narcissists.
- Women with trauma get dismissed as having borderline personality disorder.
And while those terms can be useful to describe certain behaviors, we have to be careful not to other or dehumanize people who are struggling with trauma. As Dr. Anderson puts it, people—whether they’re labeled narcissists or borderline—are often reacting to pain they’ve carried since childhood. It just looks different depending on how they learned to cope.
I know this can be hard to hear, especially if you’ve been hurt by someone with narcissistic tendencies. I get it. I’ve experienced it myself—with a narcissistic family member and a toxic business partner. But Dr. Anderson reminds us that healing requires moving beyond labels and recognizing that we’re all trying to survive in the ways we know how.
From Victim to Victor: The Power of Choice
Here’s where it gets really powerful. One thing that both Dr. Anderson and I agree on is that while trauma can disempower us, we always have a choice—and that’s where the real transformation happens.
In toxic relationships, it’s easy to get stuck in the victim mentality. Believe me, I’ve seen it over and over again, not only in my life but also in my legal practice representing high-net-worth clients. People would come to me saying, “My partner is a narcissist, and I need to beat them in court.” It was through those experiences that I realized how essential it is to help people move beyond just surviving the conflict and into a place of power and purpose.
That’s how I developed my S.L.A.Y. Method, which stands for:
- Strategy: Create a game plan that aligns with your long-term goals.
- Leverage: Use what you know to create power and influence (without manipulation).
- Anticipate: Prepare for your opponent’s behavior so you’re not caught off guard.
- You: Take control of your mindset, because your power lies in how you think and act.
It’s all about realizing that even if someone else hurt you, you still have the power to choose how you respond. You can decide to set boundaries, walk away, or reclaim your voice. That choice is where your strength lies—and that’s what helps you break free from the victim mindset.
Empowering Yourself to Stand Up and Speak Out
One of the most challenging things Dr. Anderson and I talked about is how hard it can be to stand up to someone with power—especially when you’ve been in a toxic relationship where you felt silenced.
Dr. Anderson shared how he had to go seven years without contact with his parents just to find his own voice. His father was narcissistic, and his mother, for her own reasons, couldn’t support him. It took incredible strength for him to say, “This is my truth, and I’m standing by it.” That’s the thing: until you’re strong enough to stand up and hold your ground, it’s easy to get pulled back into the cycle of dysfunction.
For me, hearing from people who’ve used my methods and changed their lives has been one of the most meaningful parts of my journey. I’ve received messages from people saying things like, “You saved my life,” or “I didn’t commit suicide because of your advice,” and even, “I won custody of my kids because of what you taught me.” That’s when I knew—this is bigger than me. This is my purpose.
Healing and Accountability: Finding the Balance
One of the most delicate things we talked about is balancing personal responsibility with compassion. Dr. Anderson made such an important point: taking responsibility for your choices doesn’t mean you’re to blame for what happened to you. It’s not about excusing bad behavior or pretending the other person wasn’t hurtful.
It’s about saying, “What role can I play in changing my situation moving forward?” That shift—from feeling like life is happening to you to realizing you have the power to shape your future—is the key to real freedom.
The Road to Healing Starts with You
At the end of the day, the message Dr. Anderson and I both want to share is this: Healing is possible, and it starts with you. Trauma doesn’t have to run your life anymore. Whether you’ve been hurt by a narcissist or are struggling with your own inner wounds, you have the power to take control, make different choices, and live from your authentic self.
The process isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. And you’re not alone—we’re here to help guide you along the way.
Final Thoughts
If this conversation resonates with you, I encourage you to listen to the full episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. There is so much wisdom from Dr. Anderson that you won’t want to miss. You might even need to listen a couple of times to soak it all in because healing is a journey, not a destination.
Remember: Your trauma doesn’t have to do the talking anymore. It’s time for YOU to step up, take back your life, and let your true self lead the way.
Don’t let fear or emotional manipulation dictate your future. Take back your power and start negotiating your best life today.
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