If you’re dealing with a narcissist and feeling like you’re constantly getting stuck, frustrated, or trapped in a cycle you can’t escape, you’re not alone. Narcissists have a hidden agenda—a plan that’s often very different from yours, and by the time you understand it, it can feel impossible to break free. Let’s dig into what’s really going on in a narcissist’s mind and why their goals are designed to keep you stuck.
A narcissist’s primary objective in any interaction, whether it’s a conversation or a negotiation, isn’t a fair or balanced outcome. Regular, reasonable people want a mutually beneficial resolution; narcissists want control. Their goal isn’t fairness but dominance. They want to manipulate, to keep you hooked as a source of narcissistic supply. Moving on or reaching a resolution doesn’t serve them because it takes away their supply, and that’s why they’ll drag things out indefinitely. They thrive on watching you get frustrated, anxious, and exhausted. Once you realize that, you can start approaching interactions with a clear understanding and a much stronger position.
One of the most critical things you can do to protect yourself is to recognize their manipulative tactics. A classic one is moving the goalposts. Just when you think an agreement is within reach, they’ll shift their demands or even retract the offer entirely. You’ll go back to them, ready to accept what was on the table, only to hear, “That’s no longer available,” or “I never said that.” They’ll gaslight you, make you question your memory, and blame you for the changes, perhaps saying you “waited too long” or that new information has come to light.
Another tactic narcissists love is stonewalling. They’ll ignore your messages or delay responses, all in an attempt to wear you down. Understanding these tactics lets you anticipate them, which is a huge advantage. When you can see these moves coming, you’re less likely to react emotionally, which is exactly what they want, and more likely to respond strategically, keeping your power intact.
Setting clear boundaries is one of the most powerful steps you can take. Picture an invisible bubble around yourself. Start viewing them like a toddler throwing a tantrum—it’s critical for protecting your peace. Let them know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t, and do it calmly and firmly. Communicate clearly: This is how things will be moving forward. Stick to it. Narcissists push limits because they thrive on that power play, but when you draw firm lines and uphold them, they realize they can’t control you like they want to.
Emotional detachment is another essential piece. You’ve got to stay calm, especially in their presence. Narcissists are experts at spotting your vulnerabilities and using them against you. They know exactly what to say to make you feel guilty or doubt yourself. But once you recognize that, you can approach every interaction with a sense of detachment. Treat the negotiation like a business transaction, even if it’s personal. Remember, their words and actions are meant to manipulate, not reflect any truth about you. By staying calm and composed, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve rattled you. This alone can throw off their entire strategy.
Documentation is another invaluable tool. Narcissists love relying on verbal manipulation, hoping you’ll forget what they’ve said or done. Keeping thorough records of communications—through email, texts, or written summaries—becomes a shield and a weapon. This isn’t just for defense; it’s for leverage. When you have a detailed record of what’s happened, it’s much harder for them to shift the narrative, deny past statements, or manipulate the situation. In my SLAY program, I even have AI that helps turn your documentation into leverage—your “secret sauce,” so to speak.
Staying focused on your goals is key. A huge part of a narcissist’s agenda is to throw you off balance, destabilizing you and distracting you from what matters. Don’t get caught up in their chaos. This is your life, and you deserve to come out of this with a meaningful outcome that lets you move forward. Write down what you want from the situation, keep that list visible, and refer to it constantly. Each time they try to distract or derail you, look at that list and remind yourself of where you’re going and why you’re fighting. Your goals are your anchor.
Sometimes, the best move is knowing when to walk away. Narcissists can drain an enormous amount of time, energy, and resources, and there may come a point when you need to let the legal system decide. Remember, this isn’t giving up; it’s taking control. Have a choke point—a moment when you decide it’s time to say, “Enough is enough.” Plan for this ahead of time because they will try to rattle you, throw you off, and break you down. By setting clear boundaries, staying focused, and knowing when to step back, you can protect your peace and stay in control.
The bottom line? Narcissists thrive on control, but when you maintain your focus, set boundaries, and use their tactics against them strategically, you take away their power. You’re stronger than their manipulation, and you deserve the freedom and peace on the other side of this struggle.
For those looking for practical tools to help break free, I encourage you to get my free Crush My Negotiation Prep Playbook. It’s filled with strategies that can help you stay one step ahead. Click here to get your copy.
If this article resonated with you or you know someone dealing with a similar situation, please share it. You never know who might need these insights. Together, we can navigate these challenging relationships and move toward a brighter future.
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