If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist—whether that relationship is romantic, business, or familial—you know how exhausting it can be. Nothing you do is ever good enough, and many of the “compliments” you receive from them are actually thinly veiled insults. The relationship takes an even worse turn when the narcissist begins their smear campaign.
Whether you’re in the middle of a targeted smear campaign, recovering from one, or anticipating its inception, it will be helpful for you to know the narcissist’s reasoning behind their despicable tactics. From there, you can build up defenses and heal from their calculated attack.
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What Sparks a Smear Campaign?
A narcissist’s smear campaign begins when they see the end of a relationship on the horizon. It usually begins during the third phase of a narcissist’s relationship, known as the discard phase. By this phase, you’ve started to refuse to play into the narcissist’s mind games and comply with their wishes. They no longer hold power over you, so they feel they have to find some way to regain control.
Narcissists always want to have the upper hand. When they feel the relationship is drawing to a close, they’ll resort to launching a smear campaign against you to make themselves look better coming out of the relationship. They want to look like the better parent, the more competent coworker, the smart parent-in-law who always knew you weren’t good enough for their child.
What Are the Signs of a Smear Campaign?
A smear campaign is a calculated effort to publicly ruin your reputation and discredit your character. A narcissist’s smear campaign is designed to paint you as the villain while they play the victim, manipulating others to turn against you.
Particularly in the case of covert narcissists, they start their campaign long before the end of the relationship by couching their insults in a show of concern. They’ll say something like, “She forgot to make the kids dinner last night. She was just so busy with everything she has going on. I’ll admit, I’m worried about her.” This not only makes you look like a terrible parent but also makes them look better. After all, they’re not mad, just worried (or so it seems to anyone listening).
As the smear campaign progresses, they’ll continue sowing little seeds of doubt in others’ minds. Their aim is to get people on their side—we’ll call them flying monkeys. They’ll express their doubts about you and share untrue information that hurts your reputation. This strategy is especially hurtful because the listeners are often your friends.
The more flying monkeys they convince, the more they feel justified in saying to you, “Everyone else knows how wonderful I am. You’re the only one who thinks I’m not.” You’ll recognize this gaslighting tactic from your relationship with the narcissist. They love to make you question everything and feel like you’re crazy.
Once they’ve assembled their flying monkeys, they’ll start sending them to “check up” on you. “Hey, are you doing okay? ___ is really worried about you.” Again, this makes the narcissist look like a caring and concerned person while you look unstable. The flying monkeys may even spy on you.
Eventually, the smear campaign can turn into bigger lies that began with the seeds of doubt. If they said they were worried about your depression and tendency to have one too many drinks, the smear campaign will develop into you being a full-blown alcoholic. They may even file motions in court that accuse you of being anything from a physical abuser to an unfit parent to a drug addict.
What Can You Do?
Being on the receiving end of a smear campaign can feel devastating and lonely. Many of your old friends, especially those you shared with the narcissist, have turned against you. They believe you to be someone you’re not, and your reputation feels broken beyond repair.
First, you need to remember that giving in to feelings of hopelessness is precisely what the narcissist wants. Their smear campaign is a last-ditch effort to gain control and get a final hit of narcissistic supply from you.
With that in mind, you should do everything possible to avoid giving them that hit. Simply put: ignore the smear campaign. Don’t try to keep up a relationship with any of their flying monkeys. If these “friends” were that easily convinced of the false accusations, they were never great friends to begin with.
If the narcissist filed any untrue accusations against you in court, speak to your attorney—make sure you have one who knows how to fight a narcissist in court. Your attorney will help you respond with a formal denial, give your own testimony, and get the opportunity to set the record straight.
Above all, try to adopt the attitude that while you can’t control what the narcissist says about you, you can control your response. And when they’re always looking for another hit of narcissistic supply, the best response is no response.
Don’t let yourself become mired in what the narcissist is saying about you. Instead, focus on your life and things that help you grow into the best version of yourself. Feed into your own positive energy instead of the narcissist’s negative energy, and you’ll find yourself becoming increasingly immune to the targeted attacks on your character.
Need more help keeping the upper hand with toxic personalities? Check out our high conflict negotiation training program for coaches, as well as our program on how to negotiate with narcissists for proven strategies and blueprints for ethically manipulating the manipulator.