Disclaimer: Transcripts were generated automatically and may contain inaccuracies and errors.
N.Y.B.L. Podcast Ep 180 (How Narcissists Suck You In To Build Trust And How To Avoid This)
[00:00:00] Rebecca Zung: [00:01:00] Welcome to another episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. I’m Rebecca Zung. In today’s episode, we’re gonna be talking all about how narcissists suck you in and build trust. And how to avoid this. Of course, this is what they do all the time. They suck you in and build up your trust, and we’re gonna be talking about how to avoid this.
[00:01:31] I also wanna remind you that I have a brand new book out right now. It is called Slay the Bully, how to Negotiate with a Narcissist. And When I give Away all my secrets in there, and if you pre-order it now, you can actually get early access to the manuscript and you can get tons and tons of bonuses. So make sure you go to.
[00:01:53] Slay the bully.com and check that out. And I have a brand [00:02:00] new webinar masterclass that you can check out, and there’s so many different times available. I’m doing it live where you can ask me anything. So make sure that you go to Break Free From Hell and check that out. It’s called Breaking Free From Hell.
[00:02:17] Take back your power emotionally, physic, physically and spiritually. So check that out as well. All right, so now let’s dive into this incredible brand new episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. Let’s dive into four ways of how narcissists build trust. Number one, they play on your emotions. They know what to do to read you.
[00:02:48] They don’t. They don’t feel anything for your emotions, but they know how to act like they feel for your emotions. So they start off by [00:03:00] conditioning you. They start off by reading you, they start off by love bombing you. This is whether it’s a business relationship or a personal relationship. By the way, I was in a business relationship with a narcissist and they are chameleons.
[00:03:15] They know how to read you. They know how to become exactly what it is that you want. They’re actually kind of becoming you in a way, right? Experts at becoming exactly what it is that you would want. So they make you feel like you are the most special, incredible, amazing human being on the planet. They, they say all the right things.
[00:03:45] They make you feel like, oh my gosh, the, the stars have aligned. They rock your world. You know, soulmates, where have you been? This is [00:04:00] unbelievable. They may even tell you that they love you before your first date, even if they don’t mean it. But they say all of these things to try to gain your trust. They know what to do to appear trustworthy from the beginning.
[00:04:22] So they may even withhold information. Of course, you know, they, they’re not gonna tell you the bad things about their past. For example, you know, a great example of this is that miniseries, dirty John, which I don’t know if any of you might have seen that or heard it. It was a podcast initially, and then it was developed into a miniseries.
[00:04:52] It was a true story, but you know, that guy didn’t tell the woman anything about his horrible [00:05:00] past where he had been in prison. All of these things, you know, they’re not gonna tell you. Anything that, that might be bad because they wanna gain your trust, they wanna gain your confidence. You know, they take advantage of people.
[00:05:13] They use information that they’ve been told in confidence a lot of times. So, and lying, of course, they have no problem with that either, right? So they’ll lie, they’ll withhold information, they do whatever it is that they need to do to play on your emotions. Charm, charisma. A bounds. You know, a lot of times they’re pretty smooth.
[00:05:38] That’s number one. They play on your emotions. They love bum you, right? So number two, second way that they build trust is they will make great first impressions. You know, once again, they will show up exactly the way that you present themselves, the way you [00:06:00] want them to. Because again, they’re really excellent at reading people.
[00:06:04] They’ve been doing this as a survival skill since the beginning of time, since they knew that this was something that they were gonna have to do at the beginning. They’ll be punctual. If they usually are very well dressed, very well groomed. They know the first impressions are really important, so they start to build trust that way.
[00:06:27] Now, this doesn’t last very long because as soon as they’ve locked you in, as soon as they get to the next level, they don’t respect your time at all. They’ll start being late. They’ll start being like, oh, you’re so needy. You know, all of that sort of thing. But in the beginning, Right away. They make really great first impressions.
[00:06:48] They tell you how much they respect your time. They tell you how much they love your company. They tell you all of the right things, right? Super prepared. They, they, they’ll [00:07:00] even tell you, being prepared is key. They’ll even tell you how much integrity they have. They’ll use words like integrity, you know, they know how to be one step ahead.
[00:07:13] They’ll show you how organized they are, all of those things. They’ll do that to build trust. Again, it won’t last. Because as soon as they lock you in, and as soon as they get to that next step, you know, they, they won’t continue to do that. And especially the covert narcissist, as soon as they get to that next step, one of the things they do become is very passive aggressive.
[00:07:37] And, you know, I saw this in my business relationship with a covert narcissist. You know, they’d agree to do things and then just not do them. You know, that’s a passive aggressive move. Right. But great first impressions. Great first impressions. Number three way that a narcissist builds trust is [00:08:00] they’re excellent liars.
[00:08:02] So they will lie about accomplishments, their intentions. Their feelings, you know, great with future faking. So they’ll have lots and lots of conversations about all the things that they want in the future. It’ll be all the same things that you want. So they’re building trust that way as well, because you think, wow, this is exactly the same kind of future that I wanna have.
[00:08:34] I feel like this is an, an amazing person. And they do that, of course, to make themselves look better. Again, it’s, it’s a manipulation because everything that a narcissist does is a manipulation because, You have to remember that everything a narcissist dies is a manipulation. Everything a narcissist does [00:09:00] is a manipulation.
[00:09:01] Every time they try to love bomb you, every time they apologize to you. Every time they try to do something good for you. It’s a manipulation. Unfortunately. I mean, you know, it is a spectrum, so obviously there are times that maybe they feel some twinge of something, but if they’re full blown narcissistic personality disorder, it’s all a manipulation.
[00:09:28] Okay. So number three is they’re very good liars. That’s the third way that narcissists build trust. So that’s number three. Number four, this is the last way that we’re going over today that narcissists build it, is that they’re really, really good at reading people really, really good at reading people.
[00:09:57] And this is because this is a survival [00:10:00] skill that they had to develop very, very young in life because they were exposed to a lot of trauma and they felt like they had to survive and in order to survive. In order to be able to manipulate people, they had to develop the skill of reading people. And you know, so I say to people all the time, Malcolm Gladwell talked about in his book Outliers that it takes 10,000 hours to achieve mastery.
[00:10:36] And I always say that 10,000 hours, if you’re only doing it, putting in time for sleeping and eating and taking time off and having meals, and I guess I said eating already, but you know, having a little bit of a life or something, it’s like four years. Right. You know, like the Beatles spent four years in Germany before, like they became famous and that’s why they were already at like mastery [00:11:00] level when they, you know, became famous and.
[00:11:03] You know, they, they had all, he had all these different examples in his book, right? Well, four years, it’s nothing. You know, by the time a narcissist is an adult, they’ve been doing this forever. They’ve achieved mastery many, many years before that. So they’re really excellent at reading people. They’re really excellent at doing exactly what they need to do to future fake, to make the promises, to manipulate, to say what they need to, to pretend like they have empathy.
[00:11:37] You know, all the things that they need to do to say so that they can present themselves, like I said, as a chameleon, as mirroring you, as becoming whatever it is that they need to become, to build that trust with. You. Okay? So even though they have no intention of keeping their [00:12:00] promises or whatever it is, they can make these huge, grandiose promises because they keep them anyways.
[00:12:07] So who cares, right? But we as their targets, their victims, whatever, sometimes we just want to believe them so badly. Especially if you’re really attached to this person. You keep going back because you’re, you, you, if you love them or you’re in a relationship with them, or you have a life with this person, you know, you’re bonded a lot of times.
[00:12:32] Trauma bonded. You think, Hey, maybe this time is different, you know, and so you, you keep going back there. And so that’s how they build trust. You know, a lot of times they use these tactics like guilt, tripping, and gaslighting, all the things, playing the victim. All of that, right? But they are very, very good at reading people.
[00:12:54] So they do whatever they need to do to get people to do [00:13:00] what they want them to. And then, you know, they push them away, push them away, push them away. And they’ll even say, I don’t, I don’t want you anymore, blah, blah, blah. And then as you, you’re finally, you had enough, they pull you back in, pull you back in.
[00:13:16] So they’re very, very, very, very good at reading people. And that’s how narcissist. Build trust. You know, they go hot and cold. It’s so maddening. That’s why you end up feeling completely drained. I’ve been there. That is why I’m on this mission. That is why I do what I do. It is literally the hardest, most horrible thing that you’ll ever have to deal with in your life.
[00:13:48] And because I’ve been there, because I know how you, you feel, because I know. That you’re completely and utterly drained. I want to help [00:14:00] you. I want you to get the help and support that you so desperately need, especially if you’re having to negotiate with a narcissist. You cannot negotiate with a narcissist as you would a regular, reasonable person.
[00:14:15] You just simply can’t early red flags of narcissists early, early, early, before they even come near you. I wanna make sure that you get like this cone of safety, cone of safety around you, right? So maybe you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, maybe you’re trying to get out of one right now. And if that’s you, if you’re trying to get out of one right now, I have, by the way, I have a free ebook that you’ve gotta get.
[00:14:44] It’s free Crush My negotiation prep worksheet that you gotta get you. Just go to crush my deal.com free ebook. You can just get that. Just go ahead and grab that. I’ve had many people win their entire negotiations on it. Just go to [00:15:00] crush my deal.com and get that. But if you are. Even thinking that you might be in a relationship.
[00:15:06] These are the early signs. I’m gonna give you six of them, and you’re gonna wanna stay all the way to the end and see what all six of them are. All right? So number one is it’s a really, really fast moving relationship. Really fast moving, you know, they’re, they’re like right away. It’s overwhelming, fast, you know, they gotta get to it, get to it, get to it.
[00:15:32] And you’re almost overwhelmed at how quickly they’re moving along this relationship and, and, you know, you don’t have a chance to catch your breath. That’s how it, it, it is. By the way, this is business or personal. I was in a business relationship with a narcissist, and I felt this too. In the business relationship, it, it moves very, very quickly.[00:16:00]
[00:16:00] So that’s number one. Number two, the second big major red flag of a narcissist is that they’ll say things like your soulmates, things like that. You know, they’ll start saying things that will make you feel like, wow, where has this person been all of my life right away? I mean, they might even say that. On the first date, or maybe even before the first date, they’ll say things like that.
[00:16:36] So that’s number two, early red flag that you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Number three. Number three, they will say things like, their ex is just crazy. They’ll start right away with how horrible their ex is. [00:17:00] How awful it was with their ex. I mean, they might even say, uh, how horrible their ex is with their kids, that they’re alienating them with their kids, and it was just an awful traumatic situation with their ex.
[00:17:17] That’s another massive early red flag that you are in a relationship with a narcissist. If you are with a, with a person that has a great relationship with their ex, that’s a good sign. That’s actually a good sign. Okay. Conversely, the number four. Early red flag that you are in a relationship with a narcissist is that they love everything that you love.
[00:17:49] What narcissists do is they study you, they actually study you, and they start mirroring you. They actually kind of become [00:18:00] you. They start figuring out what it is that you like, and now all of the sudden they almost want to align with everything that you love, so that you almost sort of fall in love. With yourself in a way.
[00:18:21] They’re very, very good at reading people. They’ve been doing this for years. I know many of you have read the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, where he talked about it took 10,000 hours to achieve mastery. Well, this is way more than 10,000 hours. These are people who have taken years and years and years to achieve mastery and manipulation since they were children.
[00:18:52] It’s a survival mechanism. And so what they have done is actually studied people since they were [00:19:00] children and, and what they needed to do was to survive, was look to see what they needed to do to become that person, to become likable. And so they really almost become that person just, just to get in with them, just to become.
[00:19:18] Assimilated just to get to that next level of commitment. They love everything that you love initially. And I have a whole series of videos on this love bombing. And then they go into devaluing and then the discard phase. And you can check out my videos on the three different levels of a narcissistic relationship yourself if you would like.
[00:19:42] And now after all of this, your, your eyes will be wide open cuz that’s where you’ll be from now on eyes wide open. So that’s number four. Number five. Number five, early red sign of narcissism is they’ll tell you a. SOB [00:20:00] story, sob story to get you to feel sorry for them. You know, maybe they had a horrible childhood.
[00:20:07] Life hasn’t been fair to them. They’ll tell you all about how awful things have been for them so that you start to feel sorry for them. Maybe their parents weren’t good to them or something happened to them, cuz they want you to start to empathize for them. Have compassion for them, take care of them.
[00:20:31] Start giving them that narcissistic supply that they’re seeking. They’re going to look to see if you are going to be a good source of narcissistic supply. For them. That’s what they’re going to be looking for. All right? So they’re drawing you in, bringing you in to see and starting to test you to see if you are going to be a good source of value, a good source of supply [00:21:00] for them.
[00:21:00] Another early red flag of narcissism, telling you a sob story. All right? That’s number five and number six. The last one is your gut. Trust your gut. You’re gonna know, you’re gonna feel like something is off. You’re just gonna feel it because it’s gonna be rushed along. They’re gonna be moving you along.
[00:21:25] You’re gonna be feeling like, oh man, put the brakes on. Something is happening. It’s going way too fast. And even when you start to go, you know what? Maybe this is moving too fast. I, I don’t know about this. They are going to be going, oh no, this is not moving too fast. We are soulmates. This was meant to be.
[00:21:47] They’re gonna be, every time you start to have concerns, they’re gonna have an answer for you. They’re gonna be right there not even giving you that chance to breathe, not giving you [00:22:00] that chance to think because they’re gonna be right there in your face with the emails flooding your inbox, showing up wherever all the time.
[00:22:10] And they’re gonna know exactly what to say, be perfect at every moment until they lock you in. So, you know, by now that you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re in this relationship with a narcissist, and you’re thinking, how the heck do I get out of this relationship? How do I end it? How do I move forward?
[00:22:33] So I I, I hear from people all day long, all thousands of you from all over the world who have asked me, how do I get out of these relationships? What do I do next? I’m scared, you know, this person has set up this, this situation where they’re in control and they, they have you feeling and believing and, and, and, and.
[00:22:56] In a situation where you think, if I ever try to leave this [00:23:00] person, it’s going to be pure hell, let me tell you it is. I can’t sugarcoat that. And if I sat here and told you it’s not gonna be held to get out of it, then I would be lying to you. And that’s not what I do here. So, but what I can tell you is that I’ve helped many, many people get through this and get to the other side, and it is better, and you can move on.
[00:23:24] And it is a better life on the other side, despite what they may say, they may even say to you, you know, you, you’ll be nothing without them. That’s not true. So that’s what I’m doing here. On this channel and, and with the work that I do, and I promise you it will get better on the other side of this crazy thing.
[00:23:46] So when you’re dealing with an narcissist, remember that you’re dealing with a personality type that has no inner sense of value. They have to derive all of their value from the external in the form of what we [00:24:00] call narcissistic supply. And if you wanna know more about narcissistic supply, check out my narcissism 1 0 1 video called Narcissistic Supply so that you can understand more of what it is.
[00:24:12] But basically it’s anything that feeds a narcissist ego. And if they see that supply source walking out the door, then they’re going to go crazy. It’s sort of like a two year old who’s having a tantrum if the two year old. Uh, you know, once to get something from the parents, they may fall to the floor, they may cry, they may scream, they may rage, they may throw things, they may do all these things.
[00:24:38] And what the, um, two year old is doing is basically testing the parents and can conditioning them to see, you know, if I scream and if I do these things, are you gonna give me what I want? And if the parents give into that child, then they know for next time, all I have to do is scream louder, [00:25:00] scream longer, scream harder, throw things, completely embarrass them, make their lives miserable, and they’ll just give in.
[00:25:08] So that’s what you’re gonna start seeing with this narcissist. You’re gonna see where you actually trigger that narcissistic rage is going to come out. And, um, and, and things will probably get worse before they get better, but narcissists are always the worst, right before they’re ready to give up. So never forget that.
[00:25:31] Okay? So when you go to end this relationship, you have to be extremely careful, extremely purposeful and deliberate, and have a plan of action when you go to end. The relationship that will. Actually make sure that you do the things that you need to do to, to get where you need to go. Number one, don’t give them one more chance.
[00:25:55] Not verbally, not internally. They’ve had their chance. [00:26:00] You’ve given them the options over and over and over again on how to correct their behavior. They can’t, they won’t. And don’t, don’t, don’t give them one more chance. Just decide and move on. Number two, when you decide to leave them, don’t tell them.
[00:26:15] Don’t share it with them. Just move on. Um, you’re gonna create their, your, your plan for getting out and you’re not gonna share any of it with them. Don’t say, I’m leaving you, I’m getting ready to leave you. Nothing like that. Just create the plan and then execute on it. They will do everything they can to make this a living hell for you.
[00:26:36] And they may even try to thwart your efforts to leave. So they may try to, Foil your plans. They may try to love bomb you, guilt, you play the victim, all of these different things and, and if it’s already been a hard decision for you to come to, then you could get sucked back into that. So don’t [00:27:00] tell them about your plan.
[00:27:01] The other thing that they might try to do is intimidate you, devalue you, cause fear inside of you if you leave. This is what’s gonna happen. Or they may just decide that they’re gonna discard you first, beat you to it, make it worse for you, something like that. So do not tell them that you are leaving.
[00:27:24] Number three is make a copy of all of the important documents that you’re going to need, financial or otherwise. It’s really important if you, if you can, to make a copy or take a picture of these documents, because if you take the documents and they find out that you took them, then that’ll be something that they can use against you.
[00:27:42] Oh, she took everything out of the home and they’ll, they’ll turn it into something much bigger and much worse, they stole money, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know? So just, um, make sure that you. Have copies or take pictures of the documents that you’re going to need. Financials such [00:28:00] as, um, tax returns and, uh, bank statements, credit card statements, uh, deeds, uh, any prenuptial agreements, things of that nature.
[00:28:10] Number four, I talk about this in my other videos. You know, bef before you leave a narcissist watch, this is one of them. But one of the things you’re gonna wanna do is have a stash of cash. You’re gonna wanna have at least three months worth so that your lawyer will have an opportunity to set a hearing and, um, get you temporary support if.
[00:28:33] You are the non moneyed spouse and you’re also gonna wanna have enough to hire a lawyer. Number four is if you are in an abusive situation, report what has happened to you, report it to your therapist, report it to your clergy man. Report it to the police who you need to, especially if it’s been physical abuse or sexual abuse or anything like that, you can always go to a domestic violence [00:29:00] shelter as well.
[00:29:01] But don’t be silent about it. There are resources out there for you and we will actually drop a link and a, and the phone number to the domestic violence hotline, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, so that you can call that if you feel that your life is in danger number. Five is change your passwords and log out of all of your devices before you leave anywhere and make sure that you’ve logged out of all of the clouds as well.
[00:29:31] I’ve had clients who’ve had that situation where they didn’t realize that the iPad that was left at home was connected to the cloud, and now the spouse was reading all of their emails and seeing all of their text messages and things like that. So change your passwords on all of your devices and including passwords to social media accounts and things like that.
[00:29:56] And also, you know, block them, get them off of your social [00:30:00] media and their flying monkeys as well. Think about their minions as well. So, um, making sure that you also have a secure email. That is how you and your attorney are going to be communicating with each other. So you need to have a secure email to be able to do that.
[00:30:18] Number seven is check your devices for trackers or, or your vehicles for trackers. Make sure that nothing has been put onto your car, especially if you’re dealing with a malignant narcissist. If you wanna know more about malignant narcissist, they are the most dangerous form of narcissist. Check out my video on a malignant narcissist.
[00:30:39] But they do have a tendency to track, uh, the people that they’re dealing with. They. Stock them. They have a proclivity for stocking. So make sure to check your vehicle for any tracking devices. Number eight is don’t give into their flattery or their love bombing. They may start to do the [00:31:00] things that they did to get you into their web of control in the first place, like love bombing you.
[00:31:06] And if you wanna know more about love bombing, check out my video on love bombing. But they may start doing that. Don’t listen to it. Close your ears. It’s a trick. It’s a way to kind of suck you back in sometimes it’s called hoovering, and it’s really just a manipulation method to get you back into their web of control.
[00:31:26] Number nine is reconnect with family and friends. You are going to need a support system as you go through this. So reconnect with the people that mean the most to you, who love you, who will believe you, who will support you, and also, you know, seek out therapists. Seek out somebody that you can talk to about this, who’s a neutral third party, maybe even the a, a, a clergyman or somebody at your church or synagogue or something like that, so that you will have a support system in place as you go [00:32:00] through this.
[00:32:00] Number 10. Similarly, the opposite side of this is disconnect from anybody who’s toxic, anybody who’s not gonna be helpful, anybody who’s not gonna be on your side, who’s going to judge you or make you feel worse, or make you feel like a failure. You don’t need that in your life. Number 11 is stay away upon leaving.
[00:32:23] Once you have left, stay away. Don’t fall prey to going back or, or, you know, even just to have a conversation or anything like that. Just, you know, stay firm in your decision and stay strong in your decision once you’ve made that decision. Next is learn about narcissism. Use the resources that are out there, including this channel, including the other channels that are out there on YouTube, which have amazing resources.
[00:32:55] Dr. Ramini has great resources and she’s a psychologist. There are several [00:33:00] others out there like her, Melanie, Tanya Evans, uh, Tracy Malone, who of narcissist abuse support. There are lots of us out there that are providing resources around narcissism. Kim Saed is another one, and I’ve actually. Partnered with all of these people in various times and we’ve done videos together.
[00:33:19] And the reason why we do these videos together is because we each bring different perspective, more information. And at this time, you really wanna learn about what it is that you need to do here on my channel, I teach you about narcissist because it’s really important for you to understand the. The pathology of narcissism and the psychology of narcissism, just enough to know what you need to do to negotiate with them and get out of this relationship with them in a way that leaves you as unscathed as possible and helps you come to a fair resolution.
[00:33:59] The [00:34:00] next thing that you can do is go easy on yourself. Go slowly. Forgive yourself. It you did what you did and you made the decisions that you made. In the moment, and remember that these people are master manipulators. They’ve been manipulating their whole entire lives. Don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you were in that relationship.
[00:34:23] It happened. You learned from it. You’re moving on now and that’s the most important thing. So forgive yourself. I also do have a video on self-care to cope with a narcissist, and you might wanna check that one out as well. But the most important thing is that take care of yourself. Go easy on yourself. Go slowly.
[00:34:42] It’s okay. It’s and, and, and, and don’t even beat yourself up over, if you end up doing some of these things I’m saying not to do. If you end up talking to the person, if you end up, it’s okay. Just forgive yourself. Understand that you’re going to be. Going through the stages of [00:35:00] grief. This is the end of a relationship.
[00:35:02] This is the end of a dream. It’s the end of what you thought was happening. It’s the end of what you thought your future was going to be. So you will be going through those five stages of grief and you will eventually heal it. You will eventually get to the other side and it will be better. Okay, so let’s talk covert narcissist.
[00:35:21] What’s the difference between them and a regular narcissist? So they’re every bit a hundred percent narcissist. They’re the same fragile little ego inside, the same super insecure person that’s deep inside there, but they look a little bit different because they’re not in your face the way. Regular overt narcissists are they, they come across as a little bit more passive, a little bit more quiet, so that on the surface you don’t actually even notice that they’re narcissists at all in the beginning.
[00:35:54] You know, as a, a typical narcissist who think is the person who is telling [00:36:00] everybody how great they are all the time, the covert narcissist does not do that. However, because they don’t do that, and because you can’t see it right off the, the bat on the surface, they’re actually way more insidious and way more toxic than overt narcissists are.
[00:36:19] Okay, so another trait of a covert narcissist is that they come across as shy and actually even reserved. They actually probably are, uh, prone to, uh, bouts of depression. They may even tell you that they have bouts of depression. So, um, you know, on the surface they’re gonna seem to be like, maybe they’re just nice people.
[00:36:42] Maybe they might just be more fragile, something like that. Because being a victim is, uh, very much part of the covert narcissist plan to get people into their lair. Okay. The third thing that you’ll [00:37:00] see with covert narcissists is they, they seem to be helpful in the beginning. So they’ll, they’ll actually lure you in with things that they know that you want so that they can appear to be super helpful, but they really just wanna use you.
[00:37:16] So as, once you’re into their layer, then they start with the passive aggressive, they start to drip on you. Like the Chinese water torture chart, I’m half Chinese. I could say that, uh, in, in your, on your forehead kind of a thing. Like, and, and, and you start to think in my crazy, you know, because the rest of the world sees this person as being so nice, but you kind of know that something is not right.
[00:37:41] They’re doing all these little things behind your back and they, they’re very, very good at. Disguising it in such a way that if you tell somebody about it, that you, the person’s gonna go, well, that doesn’t sound so bad, but [00:38:00] you know that it’s like this drip, drip, drip thing that they’re doing to try to make you crazy.
[00:38:06] They lure you in with, I’m gonna help you with this. And then they start with passive aggressive little things to try to make you crazy. Okay. And the next, uh, trait of a covert narcissist is that they often like to play the victim, or maybe they’re very sickly or they often have health issues or something like that because they constantly need to be the center of attention.
[00:38:32] So they come up with ways that they can constantly be the center of attention. And then the last thing is that they will not have any sense of empathy for another person. They’ll, they can feign empathy, but, and, and they, they know when they have to apologize, just to apologize for the surface, but they really don’t actually have any empathy for the other person.
[00:38:57] Because they actually are narcissists and [00:39:00] narcissists don’t feel anything for anybody but themselves. Okay? So this is all well and good, but if you have a covert narcissist in your life, what can you do about it? So the first thing that you can do about it is not to react, especially if you know that this covert narcissist is trying to get under your skin or trying to manipulate you in some way, or they’re saying something to try to get a rise out of you.
[00:39:28] You just say, good for you, or, that’s great. Don’t react because that’s exactly what they want you to do. The second thing that you could do is if the timing seems right, call them out on their behavior, but do it in a very subtle way. You sort of play their game. Oh, I’m surprised to see that you’re here today.
[00:39:50] You said you were sick yesterday. Something like that. But you say it without emotion, you don’t say it with smugness, you just say it so that they subtly know that you’re calling them out [00:40:00] on, on their behavior, but you are not. Bothered by it. You’re not, they’re not getting a rise out of you. You’re just noticing it.
[00:40:09] So the third thing that you can do is do not, and I repeat, do not let them know that they are getting to you. You do not show any emotion. You do not show that anything that they’re doing has manipulated you in any way, because that is exactly what they want. And if they get that, then they’re gonna do more of it.
[00:40:30] So this is a, a subtle way to start shutting down this behavior. It’s kind of like a behavior modification program for narcissist. You don’t give them what they want, so don’t react. Because if you do, then. That’s what they want. Okay. The fourth thing that you can do is kind of similar to the others, but this is specific to gaslighting because this is something that narcissists will do often, and especially covert narcissists [00:41:00] too.
[00:41:00] They’re gonna try to gaslight you, so you’re, they try to make you think that you’re crazy. So, Years ago there was, uh, a movie, I think it was actually called Gaslight or something, and this, uh, husband was actually abusing the wife through trying to make her seem like she was crazy. And he would blow out these gaslights and then she would say, D wasn’t that just lit?
[00:41:22] And he would say, no, it wasn’t. And that’s what gaslighting is, you know, it is just like the subtle little thing to try to make you think that you’re crazy. So basically it’s like, um, we talked about that. I, you said that it was okay, um, or, um, oh, we had a conversation. Um, I’m sorry. There was a misunderstanding on your part and you know that there was no misunderstanding or maybe that there was no conversation ever at all.
[00:41:49] So don’t let them gaslight you that way. Just say No. There was never that conversation. No, we didn’t have that conversation. And no, there was no misunderstanding. This is what we talked about, something like that. [00:42:00] Remain firm. Don’t allow them to manipulate you into thinking that you’re crazy. Okay, number five is, uh, keep your barriers really strong.
[00:42:10] One of the things that narcissists do, because, you know, they’ve got this mantra that I will not be ignored, is they don’t respect boundaries. So, you know, they’ll come right into your room, they’ll read your mail, they will, uh, you know, go places that they’re not supposed to be or whatever, and, and they act like, oh, here I am bringing you something nice.
[00:42:31] I’m doing something nice for you. So you know, I’m not respecting your boundaries, but you’re gonna forgive me because I’m being nice about it. Something like that. Don’t allow them to not respect your boundaries. Have super strong barriers, super strong barriers, as the only way you’re gonna be able to manage their behavior and also keep your own sanity.
[00:42:54] And the other thing that you can do is to slowly close down the barriers of [00:43:00] communication. And what I mean by this is if you have a narcissist in your life and or, or covert narcissist, If the, the most thing that you can do for yourself is get them outta your life. Okay. Um, and, you know, I’ve recently had to do that with people in my, um, business arena.
[00:43:20] And because, you know, I’ve had some covert narcissists in my life and in the business arena, and I’ve had to deal with that. And it was extremely difficult. And it’s painful because, you know, it’s sort of a betrayal in a lot of ways, right. But, you know, you just have to understand and have compassion for the fact that they’re broken people and that they’re, they have deep, deep insecurities and problems, but that doesn’t mean they have to be in your space.
[00:43:43] So, if I were you, I would try to like slowly, uh, shut down those barriers of communication and slowly start to wean them out of your space if you can.[00:44:00] [00:45:00]
[00:45:59] Okay, so if you [00:46:00] haven’t watched Dr. Foster yet, this is your warning that there will be spoilers here. So if you wanna go watch it first and then come back, then you can definitely. Do that, but consider this your spoiler warning. Okay. So the show is really, really fascinating because it takes this woman who seems to have like this incredible life.
[00:46:20] Dr. Foster, uh, she, it’s set in England. She lives in this cute little town outside of London and she’s got her, her medical practice. She’s got a husband, she’s got a 13 year old son. She’s got a beautiful home and life seems to be perfect for her. Her husband comes back from being away on a trip, you know, some sort of a work trip apparently.
[00:46:41] He gets home late at night, he jumps on top of her. They seem to have this great physical relationship too in the morning. They’re getting ready for their days and all of a sudden she sees something fall out of his pocket and it’s a woman’s lip balm and he just brushes it off and says, oh, it was the only kind they [00:47:00] had.
[00:47:00] I needed something from my lips. And that’s the only one that the store had. And she was like, okay, I guess, you know. So then the next thing that happens is she uses his scarf the next day to, there were that day to go to work and she gets to work and she’s goes in her office and she goes to hang up the scarf and there’s a long blonde hair on the scarf, and she starts to get suspicious about, Hmm, what’s that about?
[00:47:26] Right? So she. Then goes into this obsessive, like, I need to know, I need to find out. I think he might be cheating, but, and, and he’s of course gaslighting her. Oh, you’re crazy and that’s not me. And you’re, you’re really, you know, losing it and all this other stuff every time she tries to say something. Um, and, and by the way, one of the things that narcissists do is they engage in what I call the three deadly sins of marriage, which are the three a’s abuse, addiction, and adultery.
[00:47:57] And if you wanna know more about the three deadly [00:48:00] sins of marriage, definitely check out my video on that topic. But you know, here he is like engaging in one of these. Three deadly sins, right? And also, by the way, here’s where you see in, in this movie where some of these flying monkeys are lining up with him and actually even helping him.
[00:48:19] One of her medical partners actually sends a text and warns him that she’s like, left work early and, and probably going to follow him. And so he like gets that warning and goes to visit his mother at the nursing home instead. And it’s kind of crazy how all this starts happening to her, right? Um, and, and even these flying monkeys, people that she trusted, people that she even like, you know, confided in, she finds out are.
[00:48:49] Part of this whole thing. And so, you know, what happens with the Flying Monkeys is they actually start, um, you know, adding more trauma to you. And if [00:49:00] you, you wanna know more about that, check out my video on Operation Triangulation. I talk more all about that, but that’s what happens. So anyway, she, he, she finds out that her husband is actually having an affair with this 22 year old.
[00:49:14] And in the movie or in the show, they actually show that, you know, she threw a 40th birthday party for him. So we know that this girl that he’s having an affair with is roughly half his age, which is, you know, the guy is like, Such a typical narcissist in so many ways. I mean, here he is. He’s gotta have all of that out external supply.
[00:49:37] He’s got the, the doctor, wife, the perfect family. He wants to maintain that facade, that it, he’s got this big deal going. And by the way, we find out that the big deal that he’s got going for his work is actually be being funded by. The father of this girl that he’s having an affair [00:50:00] with, and the father doesn’t know that this guy’s sleeping with his daughter.
[00:50:04] So she finds out, uh, Dr. Foster finds out because the girl comes to her office that she’s actually pregnant with. Her husband’s SI child. It ends up to be a girl. Um, but it’s so crazy how, um, she just becomes unglued with this whole thing. And that’s what happens. Like they make you crazy and they make you unglued.
[00:50:29] And then when happens is they turn around and use that against you and say, Hey, you’re crazy. But they, they forget about the fact that. They made you that way. Right. Um, and so anyway, they end up having this massive showdown at the house at the end of the season, season one, he smashes her head against the window there, ends up being a restraining order against him.
[00:50:53] He leaves how the next season opens up with, it’s been two years she’s been living [00:51:00] there with her son. All is well. He decides to move back to the town with his now young wife and their now two year old daughter. And it just drives Dr. Foster crazy because it doesn’t seem like there’s been any bad things with him.
[00:51:16] Like there he is, like living in this beautiful, big, massive house and he’s got this fantastic job and she’s like, where’s this money coming from? And where’s this, how is he getting all of this? So she actually goes to the house that where he’s about to move into and starts looking around like, can’t believe this.
[00:51:35] Right. And he sees her there and, and starts goading her and taunting her again. And, you know, he, he does all the, the things that narcissists do. He hoovers, he gaslights, um, you know, he, he has his flying monkeys there. Um, it is just on and on, like, it’s like very, very classically narcissistic. [00:52:00] And by the way, no remorse.
[00:52:02] He blames her for the fact that he had to leave town. He blames her for the fact that there was an injunction against him. He, I mean, all of it is her fault. Like, no, no remorse whatsoever. No guilt. And it just drives her crazy. So here’s the thing that I want you to know. They end up. Like one upping each other.
[00:52:25] You know, scorched earth, what we call it, scorched earth litigation or scorched earth tactics. You know, where they’re just constantly, you did something, you did something. I wanna win, I wanna win. I’m not gonna let you win. I’m not gonna let you win. And they get into this mud. And what happens is they really end up causing a lot of drama, trauma, and chaos.
[00:52:45] Not just for themselves, but more importantly for their son who is stuck in the middle of these two crazy people who are just trying to do whatever they can to destroy each other. And my message to you with this is [00:53:00] stay out of the mud. I mean, he goed her and she took the bait and then she looked crazy.
[00:53:07] And this is what happens when you are in negotiations, and especially when you lose control in negotiations. Don’t fall for that. Don’t do that. Don’t get down into the mud. Instead be strategic. You can create leverage. You can expose them using your leverage. So let’s talk about future faking. So you know the word integrity, doing what you say you’re going to do well, that doesn’t really apply to Narciss success.
[00:53:39] And in fact, if you keep. Allowing narcissists to continue to promise you the world, and then you realize it’s not materializing, you’re actually enabling their behavior, which of course is not something that we necessarily want to do because we want to, uh, maybe, hopefully get out of these [00:54:00] relationships with these narcissists.
[00:54:01] So what happens with narcissists is part of the love bombing process, which is how they get you into these relationships in the first place is just kind of a promising you the world, you know, the whole concept of overpromise or underdeliver or under, under promise and overdeliver, you know, that you’re supposed to do in, in sales.
[00:54:26] They, they kind of do the, the, the over promise and underdeliver. That’s, that’s basically what future faking is. It’s. They say whatever they need to about what your future might be in order to get them, get you to do what they want you to do or get you to get off of what it is that it is that you’re bothering them about.
[00:54:49] Or, um, even in the beginning of the relationship when they’re in the love bomb stage, which they do love bomb all throughout the relationship when they need to, by the [00:55:00] way. And if you wanna know more about love bombing, you should definitely check out my video on love bombing. But, um, You know, one of the 1 0 1 conversation that, you know, the glossary of basic narcissistic terms is that, that you need to know about is what we call this future faking.
[00:55:20] And I have a whole bunch more videos on the one o uh, one oh ones, uh, basic terms on narcissism, and you should definitely check out some of those as well, especially, you know, gaslighting and flying monkeys and narcissistic injury and supply and things like that. And all of those videos are also on my channel.
[00:55:43] So, but what happens with narcissists is they want you to do what they want you to do, which is give them an endless amount of narcissistic supply. So narcissistic supply is anything that feeds their ego. So it can be. Giving [00:56:00] them tons of compliments and adulation and respect. Um, or maybe it’s giving them money or maybe it’s giving them a place to live, or maybe it’s, um, you know, giving them the prestige of being with you or, uh, allowing you a life, uh, them, a life that they want, something like that.
[00:56:18] But they also get supply from, you know, manipulating you and lying to you and, and getting you to do things that they want you to do and, and devaluing you and putting you down and making you know that you know, that you are lesser to them. You know, just even in little small ways sometimes, like not remembering, uh, to do something that you ask them to do or something like that.
[00:56:48] But with, um, future faking is a way of getting them, getting you to believe that okay, even though you’re not getting what you want from them now, That you [00:57:00] will get it from them at some other time. So down the road, you’re gonna have this amazing life together or, or starting now. They’re gonna be so much better, you know?
[00:57:13] Um, I was just talking to a client whose husband was, um, you know, looking at other women online and doing all of these things, and she almost left him and he said, I will never, never, never do that again. In fact, I will get rid of all my social media pages. I’ll do whatever I need to do in order to keep you, in order for you to stay with me.
[00:57:34] Don’t leave me, don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. And so, all this future promise of how life would look, and then they, they stick to it for a little bit of a period of time. But then they really can’t maintain that because they really didn’t plan to keep their promise anyway. So they stick to it for a little bit of a period of time, and then of course they fall off the map and they don’t end up [00:58:00] continuing, uh, with whatever it was they said they were gonna do.
[00:58:02] And in this particular case, that has been of course, continued to maintain relationships with women online because he just thought that he would be able to get away with it. Because, you know, the reason why he continues to do that is because of that pouring that they need to do of getting as much narcissistic supply as they possibly can.
[00:58:24] So he didn’t really plan to ever get rid of these other women online. He just wanted to future fake it with the, the wife to say, I will do this, and in the future things will be better. And look, I’m gonna be the person that you always wanted to be, to be, and blah, blah, blah. It’s just empty promises. Empty promises.
[00:58:44] That’s basically what future faking is, is a bunch of empty promises. So how do you know if you’re enabling future faking? It’s by making excuses for this person. And sometimes we do that in order to kind of [00:59:00] protect ourselves because we don’t wanna believe that this person is bad. And so sometimes we’ll find ourselves making excuses.
[00:59:07] Like, let’s say, uh, somebody said that they’re gonna start, um, coming home on time. You know that this person is always late. And they said, okay, from now on, we’re, I’m gonna start coming home on time. And so now they start saying things like, um, you know, I, I can’t make it. I have to work late. Uh, traffic is bad.
[00:59:29] I have a big project going on. And so you find yourself kind of making excuses for that person. Like, well, they have a lot of work commitments, or, well, reliability isn’t really their strong suit or punctuality isn’t really their strong suit. It never really has that. And, and so you start making excuses for that person.
[00:59:50] Another type of way that we sort of enable it is by saying something like, Um, I know his or her heart is in the right place [01:00:00] and, and you know, a lot of times we do this really because we don’t wanna believe that this person that we’ve been with or spent so much time with can, it can be bad, you know? And, and, and a lot of times it’s not all bad.
[01:00:13] I mean, that’s the thing with narcissists is because of the love bomb stage, sometimes things are actually not all bad. Sometimes they seem like they can be really good and we spend like the entire relationship craving wanting that goodness to come back, wanting to see that good part of that person. And so, Sometimes we make excuses by saying, Hey, I know that the person’s heart is in the right place, even though they’re not doing what they say they’re going to do.
[01:00:43] Another way that we enable it is to just say, you know what? I just decided I’m gonna live with that. I know that they’re never gonna do what they say they’re going to do. So I just assume that I’m going to be responsible. So let’s just say that this person says, you know, I know you’ve [01:01:00] been shouldering a lot of the housework.
[01:01:02] Uh, I know we both work all the time, um, and you do everything at home. I’ll take on doing the laundry, and maybe the person does the laundry for like a week or two and then, you know, there it is. The laundry’s piling up. So instead of wanting to start an argument, you find yourself say, You know what? I’ll just go ahead and do it.
[01:01:22] I’ll just assume that, you know, it’s all my responsibility and if the other person decides to do it, well that’s a bonus, but I’m not going to expect it. I just expect that they’re not going to keep their word. That also enables, um, the narcissist. The other thing that enables it is just not bringing it up at all.
[01:01:43] Not reminding them what their promise was. And a lot of times when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you don’t want to remind them what their promise was because if you do, it can end up being a big, huge fight. And if you know that that’s the case, then you’re probably with a narcissist [01:02:00] because you know a person who’s not a narcissist, who wants a relationship to work, who wants to, who has, who actually ha has care and empathy for the other person would be like, oh my God, you’re right.
[01:02:11] I’m so sorry I said that I would do that. And I didn’t do that. That’s what a person. Who has integrity would do, but a narcissist wants to deflect. They wanna project, they wanna make sure that it’s your fault. You know, if you were afraid to bring it up because you know that they’re gonna say, you’re right.
[01:02:28] I didn’t do that. It was because it’s your fault. I’m sorry you didn’t do what you said you were gonna do. You know that whole fo apology. And if you wanna know more about narcissist fa apology and whether or not they say, sorry, check out my video on do narcissists say sorry. And if they do, do they mean it?
[01:02:48] Um, but you know, a lot of times that’s what you’re gonna get. And so if you find yourself just not bringing it up at all, uh, it’s probably because you just don’t want [01:03:00] the backlash of whatever that’s gonna be. So, you know, they, they future faked. They said they were gonna do something, they didn’t do it.
[01:03:08] And you just find yourself saying, and you know what? I’m not gonna bring it up. It’s not even worth it. So if you find yourself harboring a ton of resentment, because who harbors more resentment about the future faking that didn’t happen? You think it’s the narcissist or you think it’s the person who was the victim of the narcissist?
[01:03:26] I guarantee you it’s the person who’s been the victim. Because you just sit there and you go, okay, well this person is not, um, delivering on their promises. They’re not keeping their promises. To me. I either, either I bring it up and I deal with the WR or I don’t bring it up, and then I still end up not getting what it is, but I wanted, and so you end up carrying this.
[01:03:47] Sadness and this resentment and, and it actually turns into feeling terrible about yourself and feeling guilty that you want something because that’s what they want you to feel. And or you end up [01:04:00] having like no self-esteem or no sense of self, and you end up feeling like you’re just a shell of yourself because of this, um, these empty promises that just keep not, um, materializing because you know, obviously you start to think, I guess I’m just not worth.
[01:04:18] Having these promises be delivered on, you know, I guess I’m not worth this person doing what they say they’re going to do, which where it’s, it’s actually the opposite. The other person just has no sense of self and no sense of self-worth and no sense of value. So they try to put everybody down and make it look like that they’re better than everybody else.
[01:04:43] And so it, it, it’s the great game of manipulation. It’s just one form of manipulation that they use to get people to do what they want them to do. So in the end, future faking is really a classic sign of [01:05:00] narcissism. And, uh, if you are seeing this, then you are probably in a relationship with a narcissist.
[01:05:07] Unfortunately. I’m gonna count from five to one because I wanna give you the best one last. Oh, yes. I’m saving the best one for last. So number five, we’re gonna start with number five. Number five is, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You start with, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you don’t understand. I’m sorry that we can’t agree.
[01:05:39] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You know, you just say, I’m sorry, because it’s a disarming phrase. Now be careful because remember that anything you put your hand to is a trial exhibit, and you don’t wanna be apologizing for things and then make it look like you’re actually saying something that you did something [01:06:00] wrong.
[01:06:00] What you’re doing is you’re disarming. You’re disarming, remember, you’re shutting down this narcissist. You’re disarming the narcissist, you’re reclaiming your control. Sometimes you, you can just say, I’m sorry that we don’t seem to be on the same page. It seems that there is a misunderstanding here. I’m sorry that it seems that you’re upset and perhaps we need to continue this conversation another day.
[01:06:30] You can even say, I’m sorry, it seems that I maybe didn’t explain this to you properly and we can’t continue this now. Whatever it is that you need to say, it’s just, it’s a disarming phrase. It’s something that they’re not gonna say unless it’s a manipulation, cuz everything they do is a manipulation. So number five is, I’m sorry.
[01:06:57] It’s just a way to shut them down, [01:07:00] disarm them. Number five. I’m sorry. Number four is we can resume this conversation when you’re ready to respect me. Because do not sit and have a conversation with anybody when they’re being disrespectful to you. If they’re screaming at you, if they’re yelling at you, if they’re being derogatory toward you, if they are saying things that are, you know, not productive, you don’t have to sit there and have a conversation.
[01:07:33] You’re not getting there anywhere with it anyway. So you can just say, we can resume this conversation when you’re ready to be respectful. And then excuse yourself. You know, here’s the one thing that I say all the time. There’s certain things that are negotiable and there are certain things that are not, terms of contracts are negotiable.
[01:07:55] Your self-worth, not your self-respect, [01:08:00] not. Ever. So you can always resume conversations when the person is ready to be respectful. And you don’t have to yell, and you don’t have to scream, and you don’t even have to say it with emotion. You don’t have to say, we can resume this when you’re, but you be respectful.
[01:08:19] You don’t have to be like that. Okay? You don’t have to respond in Kai. You just say, we can resume this conversation when you can be respectful. Thank you. And then nicely get up and walk away. Okay? And if they say, don’t walk away from me, that’s not respectful, blah blah. You know, whatever it is. And just say, oh, that’s not respectful.
[01:08:45] Thank you. And that’s it. If you agree, put respect me. In the comments right now. I want you to put that in the comments right now. Respect me because I want you to remember that that’s [01:09:00] one of the most important things in any relationship is to demand respect of yourself. And that’s an okay thing. That’s not only an okay thing, that’s that should be a non non-starter.
[01:09:13] Okay? It should be a non-starter. Number three is, I agree, and again, this is something you gotta be very careful. With what you’re doing. Cuz remember everything is a potential trial exhibit. So you can say things like, I agree with that. That’s what you believe. I agree that that’s what you think. I agree that we can, we disagree.
[01:09:37] I agree that that’s your perspective. You know, in other words, you are not agreeing with anything. You’re just agreeing that that’s what they think, you know? But just hearing the words I agree is just sort of like a salve for people. It’s sort of like music to their ears. So when you say I agree, it’s sort of like, [01:10:00] okay, they hear.
[01:10:00] I agree. So that’s number three. I agree. Number four or number two. You know, I’m working my way up. So whether it’s number four or number two, depending on how you’re like looking at it, is. No, just no, because that will definitely shut them down. Especially if they’re used to you saying yes, especially if they’re used to you going along to get along.
[01:10:24] Cuz that happens a lot of times when you’re in these relationships. I know I’ve been there too. But then you end up regretting it. La la la. You know, I know how it is, right? That one is the next one. It’s just no. Especially if you know you just really don’t wanna do that thing or whatever. Say no, just say no.
[01:10:42] Like the the old drug campaign. Just say no. All right, ready? You ready for that last one? Are you so ready to find out what that last one is? A good one. I told you it’s a good one. This is the most important one. This will definitely shut down that narcissist. This is definitely gonna [01:11:00] help you reclaim that control.
[01:11:01] This is definitely gonna help you disarm them. They hate this word in a lot of ways actually. Whatever. Whatever. This is literally the one word that narcissists absolutely cannot stand. All right? So yes, you cannot get a narcissist to actually change their personality, but you can. Get them to change how they will deal and interact with you, and I’m going to give you six ways to get them to change in how they deal and interact with you to the can.
[01:11:39] See what I mean? What I mean is they’ve been conditioning you from the beginning. You have been dealing with them. They’ve been love bombing you. Now, this is whether you’re in a romantic relationship, a business relationship, even a family relationship, even if you’ve known them forever, they [01:12:00] condition you.
[01:12:00] They expect you to act in a certain way. So what you have to do is condition them back. You have to let them know, hey, This ain’t how it’s gonna go anymore. There’s a new game in town. Things are changing. Things are shifting. And the way that we’ve had a paradigm, the way things have gone before, ain’t the way it’s gonna be anymore.
[01:12:29] So you’re gonna have to change. And so you’re basically reconditioning them back. And the way I explain it, and the way I want you to understand this, is that it’s the same as if you are. Dealing with a toddler, the same as if you’re dealing with a two-year-old who’s having a tantrum. When two-year-olds have tantrums and they’re conditioning their, their parents, [01:13:00] basically the parents see the two-year-old having a, a ta, a tantrum on the floor, right?
[01:13:05] And so for those of you who’ve had two-year-olds, you know what I mean? What happens is that the two year old wants something. Let’s say it’s a bottle and the two-year-old is saying, I want that bottle. And the parents are going, Nope, you don’t get the bottle anymore. You have to use this sippy cup, or whatever it is.
[01:13:24] The two-year old’s like, I want the bottle. And so, What happens is if the parents give in to that tantrum, then the next time the two-year-old just goes, you know what? It worked last time, so next time I’m just gonna scream louder ne I’m just gonna scream longer. I’m gonna kick my heels, I’m gonna flail my arms, I’m gonna throw things.
[01:13:53] I’m gonna become even more horrible. I’m gonna be, make their lives, Ms. Romanum, [01:14:00] embarrass them in stores, whatever it is I need to do, so that they will have to give in to me because I want that bottle. I want what I want right now. And then the parents go, oh my God, I can’t take this. There’s the bottle.
[01:14:17] And that’s what’s going on with narcissists. So until like, those parents just go, mm, you know what, I’m not gonna do that anymore. The kid goes, you know what? I, uh, apparently they’re not giving in. I’m gonna have to just give up on this. I’ll just have to behave. I’ll just have to, you know. Deal with it.
[01:14:36] Take the sippy cup and they finally just give up. But guess what? They’re the worst right before they decide to give up. And that’s what it is with narcissists as well. So you’re basically, you know, doing the same thing. You’re reconditioning them. Do they change? And inherently no, because they’re not actually two year olds, they’re actually adults.
[01:14:58] But you are [01:15:00] conditioning them to let them know there is a new game in town. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give you these. Tips to let you know how to recondition them are, are you gonna change them into loving people who have empathy, who now know how to care for people and become amazing human beings who?
[01:15:28] No, you’re not actually changing the narcissist spots, but you’re changing them into how they will, you know, treat you, respect you, or they’re gonna just get outta your life. All right, so here’s what you’re gonna do. I’m gonna give you six tips. Got it. Number one, you’re gonna understand narcissism. You are going to start really getting into, that’s why you’re watching this channel.
[01:15:54] That’s why you’re reading the books. That’s why you are getting all [01:16:00] the knowledge that you possibly can, because honestly, the more you understand, the more you dig in, the more you really start powerfully understanding everything you can about narcissism, the different types of narcissism, the traits of narcissism, the traits of people that they target.
[01:16:24] You start to realize, Hey, this ain’t me. This is them. I can’t take this personally. This is something that’s, uh, you know, happens to people when they were young and you, you know, you start to realize, wow, this is something that you know took place. And by the way, as I say all the time, narcissists didn’t attach themselves to you because you had so little value.
[01:16:50] They attached themselves to you because you had so much value. They liked sources of supply that have a lot of value. That’s why they liked you. [01:17:00] And the first place, even though they gaslit you into believing you had no value, understand narcissism. That’s number one. Number two, Set those boundaries. I say, I always say step one, don’t run, you know, set boundaries.
[01:17:17] You know, you obviously get away from them, but you’re not running away. You are setting boundaries. You know, the, the more you have fear, the more they smell it in the water. They’re like sharks looking for that blood. And once they see that blood, they go for that. They go for that jugular. They, they know how to instill that in.
[01:17:40] You set boundaries and stick to those boundaries. And then number three, Is, don’t be afraid of them. Don’t be afraid to confront them. Don’t be afraid of them. They respect people who aren’t afraid of them. That’s the only type [01:18:00] of person that they actually respect. You can’t have fear, you know, I started to allude to that earlier, but as soon as you have fear, They read that and then that’s, that gives them supply.
[01:18:15] Your fear actually feeds that it, they get off on that. They get a high on that. That keeps them around. That keeps them coming back. They enjoy that, you know? Most people don’t want people to be afraid of them. That doesn’t give them joy, it gives them joy. You don’t want that. And, and the more you can say, I’m not afraid of this person, they’re just a small little, they’re actually more afraid of you than you are of them.
[01:18:48] And the more you can see that, the more you can uncover that, the more you peel back those onion layers and see that, the more you will understand that. So no fear. [01:19:00] No fear. So don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid of them. Don’t be afraid to confront them. Don’t be afraid to assert yourself. Assert what’s fair, assert what’s best for you.
[01:19:12] Number four is related to that, and that is hold them accountable. Hold them accountable for their behavior. If you’re in litigation and. They don’t do something that they’re supposed to do. They don’t provide discovery that they’re supposed to provide. File a motion to compel. They violate a court order.
[01:19:40] File a motion. Let the court know. Make the court enforce that court order. Ask for sanctions if you need to. You know, if, if that’s something that’s available for that, you know, ask for attorney’s fees. If, if you can, you know, whatever [01:20:00] you can do, do it. Don’t sit by and go, well, I don’t want to, I don’t wanna be the bad guy.
[01:20:08] I don’t wanna, you know, hurt them. The more you do that, the more they get away with things and you’re not holding them accountable. And then, They think that they are, you know, still ha have some kind of power over you, some kind of control over you, and that’s not okay. That’s number four. Number five is, Is reward positive behavior when they act the way you want them to recognize that say, you know, great job, or, I’m glad you’re using these, the parenting app like you’re supposed to, or whatever it is that they’re supposed to do.
[01:20:51] They do like their ego stroke, you know, so if you fluff up their ego, it’s a good thing. I know you don’t [01:21:00] wanna do it, you know, uh, I, I know you don’t enjoy those kinds of things, but you know, I always say fluff or favor vomit later. You know, because it helps you to ethically manipulate the manipulator and it helps you to get some things that you want down the road.
[01:21:19] If. You know, don’t do it just to do it. Do it to get some things that you want, right? So reward positive behavior if it’s going to help you. And then number six is the final thing, and that is to totally ignore when they are trying to bait you. This is so, so, so important. Probably the most important, the most important, this is something they to get off on, is trying to bait you.
[01:21:58] And they will try to [01:22:00] do this constantly, constantly in a myriad of different ways, probably infinite ways. Thousands and thousands and thousands of ways. It will go on and on forever, as long as you allow it to it. You know, I can’t even name the number of different ways that they will continue to try to bait you, but, you know, and, and depending on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with, the way they bait is also infinite as well.
[01:22:35] But you know, they will constantly try to bait you. The more you can find yourself, ignoring it, rising above, smiling through it, the better it will be for you, because you know, that gives them narcissistic supply. It also gives them things that they can use against you as well. The more you react to it.
[01:22:58] Remember, [01:23:00] everything you put your hand to is a potential trial exhibit as well. So make sure that you don’t give them any kind of things that, that you can, they can use against you either, by the way, uh, that doesn’t help you. At all, you know, I know it’s really hard. I know it’s extremely difficult, especially, you know, if you’ve been traumatized by them for years and years and years, definitely get the help and support that you need.
[01:23:31] So the one hack to be narcissist, and let me tell you this, everyone else is telling you that negotiating with narcissists is a total waste of time that you can’t win. I know, I’ve heard it too. And I used to feel that way too. Ugh, that person’s a narcissist. They are just, they come in, they take over, and I’ve seen it.
[01:23:55] I’ve seen it in mediations. I’ve seen the worst of [01:24:00] them before. I knew how to deal with them. I’ve seen the worst of them. I mean, I, I’m thinking about this one guy who came into a mediation. Throwing things. I’m not settling, I’m not doing anything. You’re doing this, you’re doing that. Before we even start, this is how it’s gonna go.
[01:24:22] And they take over. This is the way it’s happening. And so everyone else is telling you there’s no way it’s happening. You can’t negotiate with narcissists, you can’t communicate with narcissists. It’s a total waste of time. So why bother? Why bother? But you know what that, that’s terrorist tactics. That’s terrorist tactics, so, so what?
[01:24:47] We’re all supposed to just scurry around and give in. The problem with that is that you’re feeding a beast. They’re never going to be happy because then what you [01:25:00] think. What is it that they want? I’ll just give it to them and then they’ll leave me alone. Have you tried that tactic? Do you see how it goes?
[01:25:07] Do you know where it gets you? Nowhere. In fact, it’s worse than nowhere. You end up in to torture because they still don’t give you what you want. You’re not left alone. Your life is worse than ever. You’re in this nightmare that never ends, and you’re still living in fear. You’re still being tortured constantly, and you think, why am I not out of this nightmare?
[01:25:39] Why are you not out of this nightmare? And I’m gonna explain to you why you the nightmare has not ended, why you can’t. Get out of it, why it’s not over, because you don’t understand what’s actually going on. Yes, they want to [01:26:00] win, but that’s not all they want. You have to understand the concept of narcissistic supply, narcissistic supplies, anything that feeds a narcissist ego, and they want two different forms of narcissistic supply.
[01:26:16] There’s what I refer to as diamond level supply, which is how they look to the world, which is prestigious friends, great houses, lots of money. It’s that external stuff. But there’s also what I refer to as coal level supply, which is the dark underbelly of narcissistic supply. It’s that degrading, the manipulating, the controlling the debasing.
[01:26:46] Others, it’s that denigrating that is also a form of narcissistic supply, and that form of narcissistic supply is a form [01:27:00] that they also love, that manipulating other people and they’re not going to willingly give up. Either form of supply, either form, they want both. And the problem that most people have is they don’t understand that they, they’re just thinking they want to win.
[01:27:24] So they think, what is it that they want? I’ll just give it to them and they’ll leave me alone. So there’s this huge myth out there that narcissists just wanna win. What is it that they want? I’ll just give it to them and they’ll leave me alone. That be still be fed, I’ll be outta here, let me go. Right? And so what happens a lot of times is that people give up their leverage early on and they, they think, okay, I’ll [01:28:00] show the narcissist.
[01:28:02] How good I’m being, how generous I am. I’ll give them this, this, and this. The narcissist just takes it, take, take, take, take, take. They think they’re entitled to it anyways, so they don’t think that you’re being generous. They’re just great. I, I was entitled to it anyway, so you didn’t give me anything that, that was wonderful.
[01:28:28] They don’t acknowledge it and go, oh, thank you. That was so nice of you. Well, that was mine anyway. I should have had it. So you just gave something up. You gave up leverage. That you should have kept in the first place. So now you’re even more behind and you’re still nowhere. They’re still in your face, annoying you, manipulating you, harassing you, making your life miserable because they enjoy the [01:29:00] process of seeing you squirm ’em.
[01:29:01] They literally get off on that. The problem is the one hack to be narcissist is you have to understand that they’re actually way more afraid of you than you are of them. So the more powerful that you become, the more that you understand that the less triggered you are, the more you shift that power dynamic, the less that they’re going to have power over you.
[01:29:36] And that’s the hack to beat narcissist. So step one, don’t run. Step two, make a U-turn. Step three, break free. That’s how you shift that power dynamic by ignoring them and becoming the most powerful version of your self. So it’s my slay methodology, [01:30:00] strategy, leverage. Anticipate what they’re going to do, be be two steps ahead of them, and then focus on you, your case, you being on the offensive, your mindset, 99% of winning, communicating with narcissists, any of that is focusing on your side of things, and winning is.
[01:30:27] Is you showing up as the most powerful version of yourself? And then that is when the narcissist is gonna go, whoa, wait a minute. What’s going on here? I can’t make them squirm anymore. They’re not afraid of me anymore. Now I’m getting afraid. Now I’m nervous. What’s happening is when you start shutting down that supply source, all the supply sources, that is how you beat them.
[01:30:58] That is how [01:31:00] they start to get nervous. They don’t know what to do with that is literally like that wizard of eyes where you there, you’re pulling that curtain away from the the feeble little man who’s actually running the thing. You’re figuring it out. So step one, don’t run. Step two, make a U-turn. Step three, break free.
[01:31:23] Listen, I’m gonna tell you this. There will always be narcissists in this world. They will always be toxic. The one that you’re dealing with right now is the one that you’re dealing with right now, but there’s always gonna be more that come along. I mean, that’s just the nature of the beast. There’s 15% of the population.
[01:31:47] I mean, chances are there’s gonna be more. So the best way to handle them is for you to become the most powerful version of yourself, and for you to [01:32:00] realize that deep inside of your soul, that you were meant for more. That you were meant to step inside your power and live to what God and the universe is creating for you to be, which is the highest intentions for your soul, and live to that because then no one can come near you.
[01:32:26] Not, no narcissist can come near you, then no one can come near you. You’re like an oak tree that just stands, and when the wind blows, you’re not blowing with it because they don’t define your worth. No one has the power to define your worth. You know, you can negotiate contracts. You can negotiate terms.
[01:32:52] What’s not negotiable is your self worth, is your self respect. Those are the terms that are not [01:33:00] negotiable. Thanks for listening to this episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. Remember that I have brand new episodes just like this on my YouTube channel every single day. So if you want to be empowered every single day, head over to my YouTube channel, and also you can follow me on Instagram at Rebecca Zung or my TikTok at Rebecca Zung as well.
[01:33:26] And remember that you can pre-order my book right now is slay the bully.com and get early access. Says to the manuscript as well as tons of other bonuses. And make sure to register for my brand new webinar, my new masterclass at Break Free From Hell, and it’s breaking free from hell. Take back your power emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
[01:33:54] I can’t wait to support you in your journey to taking back your [01:34:00] power and otherwise, I will see you right back here for the next episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. I am so excited to supporting you and remember that today’s a great day to start negotiating your best life.[01:35:00]
