Is communicating with a narcissist just paralyzing you and you just have no idea what to say to disarm them? By the end of this article, you will have some tips on exactly how to disarm that narcissist, have a little key phrases in your pocket to get them to calm down. If you’re dealing with a narcissist and every time they talk to you, you may just feel paralyzed or maybe you have no idea what to say because they are master manipulators. They know exactly how to get the best of you.
Here are just a couple of things that you can say to talk them down, to get them to calm down, to get them to be disarmed. The first thing that you can say to them is, “I agree with you.” Even if you don’t agree with them, just say, “I agree with you.” If they’re saying things like, “You’re a terrible cook or you’ve never been good at driving, or finances aren’t your strong suit,” or something that’s just trying to goad you or to try to manipulate you or try to get you upset, rile you up, then you just say something like, “I agree with you. Sure, that’s fine. Whatever you say is correct on that.” The thing I would caution you about is obviously, you’re not going to say that in an email or in a text when they’re saying like, “You’re a terrible mother.” You’re not going to say, “I agree with you.” Or, “You’re a an absent father or a deadbeat dad.” You’re not going to say, “I agree with you.” But if it’s something that’s relatively innocuous and who really cares, then just say, “I agree with you.” Because, they’re only saying certain things to try to inflame you and get you upset, to try to get you emotional. For most of us, it actually works. For most of us, defending ourselves is really the first natural reaction. I mean, if somebody’s saying something about you that’s not true, then you want to say, “That’s not true.” There is many examples of how that’s not true, but you’re never going to get a narcissist to go, “Oh, you know what, you’re right.” So, just say, “Okay, I agree with you.” That’s one way that you can disarm a narcissist.
Another thing that you can say is, “I don’t agree with you, but you have a right to have your opinion, and I also have a right to have mine.” You’re basically saying, “Whatever you’re saying is ridiculous or whatever, but you don’t have to put it in those terms.” You can just say, “You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine.” There’s really not a whole lot they can say about that. I mean, they might try to say, “Well, it’s the right opinion,” or whatever and you can say, “It’s absolutely your opinion and it is right to you.” You say things like that, you’re acknowledging that they spoke, which is what they want. They want you to acknowledge that they spoke. They want you to hear them. They want you to see them. All human beings want to feel seen, heard and know that they matter and so you give them that but you’re not agreeing with them and you’re not pushing back and you’re not defending yourself. You’re not trying to prove they’re wrong and all of those things because of course, you’re never get to get anywhere with that.
You’re just disarming them. You’re pulling back and you’re saying, “You are certainly entitled to your opinion and I know it’s right to you and I know that you wholehearted believe it. Great. You are entitled to do that. I am also entitled to my opinion and we can agree to disagree.” Another way to disarm a narcissist is to use we phrases. Even if you don’t think that you did anything wrong or that you need to do anything to make it better, you can just say, “We need to work on things or we both have a faulty perception about, or we both have contributed to this situation.” Something like that. Because, if they feel like you’re not targeting them and that you’re taking part of the blame and responsibility, then they’ll feel less like they need to keep pushing, pushing, pushing, and so that will also help disarm.
Using “we” phrases will definitely help. We will work on this together. That kind of thing. Another way to disarm a narcissist is to assuage their ego a little bit by saying something like, “Let me ask your advice on this. How would you handle this particular situation? Let me see what you think about this. How would you feel about doing it this way, or what’s your opinion about if we decide to proceed in this manner or what do you think about this plan?” Getting them to weigh in on something that is, that you think that they’re being ridiculous about will help them. You just get them to … it also makes them highlight the ridiculousness of their behavior. You have to be careful because obviously, if they’ve already given you a plan and you don’t like it, then this is not the time to use that particular phrase, but that’s one of the things that you can do to disarm a narcissist.
Another phrase that you can use is, “I hear what you’re saying,” and basically, remember that a narcissist is the most insecure, the most … they have absolutely no inner self-esteem. They derive absolutely all of their value from the external. So, by saying something to them like, “I hear what you’re saying,” you’re saying, “I hear you. I see you. I’m validating you. Here’s what you said.” Because a lot of times they think, “Oh, you’re not listening to me”. So, just by saying, “I hear what you’re saying and here’s what you said,” just that alone will sometime disarm them because they feel heard, they feel seen and they feel like you have given them the value that they need. Remember, narcissists need an endless amount of supply and so, supply is given to them in the form of compliments or it could be being in a certain position or it could be recognition in some way.
It could be just even being associated with the right people. Supply is just whatever it is that feeds their external, their need for external value. So, if you say, “I hear what you’re saying,” and you repeat it back to them, even if you’re then going to go on and say, “And I don’t agree with you and you are entitled to your opinion,” at least they feel heard. So, these are phrases to disarm a narcissist, to try to get them to calm down a little bit.
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