Benjamin Franklin once said, “The rotten apple spoils his companions.” And there is no apple more rotten than a narcissist in the workplace.
Working with a narcissist—whether they’re your boss, your assistant, or your coworker—is a recipe for a toxic workplace. The drama, trauma, and chaos that follows a narcissist can be pervasive and leech into every aspect of your life, even when you’re not at work.
If you find yourself googling “how to handle a narcissistic boss” or “careers narcissists avoid,” you’re not alone, and you don’t have to be stuck in your situation. There are ways to reclaim your power and get out of a toxic work environment created by a narcissist.
(freepik/Freepik)
What Is a Narcissist?
First, it’s essential to understand what a narcissist is. You’ve probably heard “he’s a narcissist” or “that’s such a narcissistic way of thinking” before. The truth is that narcissism involves a lot more than just having a selfish or attention-seeking attitude (in fact, one type of narcissist actively avoids the spotlight).
A true narcissist has no innate sense of worthiness (they carry the most shame and pain) and no ability to empathize with others, leaving them feeling as though they have a black hole inside of them. Most psychologists agree that narcissists develop from some kind of childhood trauma that leaves them desperately seeking external sources to fill their void of self-worth.
Types of Narcissists in the Workplace
There are three major kinds of narcissists you might encounter in the workplace. Each shares the following:
- A lack of empathy
- A feeling to fill their void with “narcissistic supply” which is anything that feeds their ego
- A need to project, deflect, lie, and deny when being held accountable
- A tendency to engage in triangulation or smear campaigns when they believe you’re a threat
The way they fill their supply and the smear campaign tactics they use are what define the type of narcissist they are.
By becoming aware of the main types of narcissists and their characteristics, especially if you’re having to work with them, allows you to determine not only what motivates and incentivizes them but more importantly, you can start to anticipate how they’ll behave and respond so that you can develop tactics and strategies to negotiate with a narcissist from a place of power.
The Grandiose Narcissist
The grandiose narcissist is the one you typically think of when you hear the word “narcissist.” They loudly and proudly fill the room with their bragging. They tend to be impulsive and brash. They boast about their accomplishments and regularly take credit for others’ work if that suits their purposes – all of which fills their need for narcissistic supply. It’s not uncommon to find grandiose narcissists in leadership positions.
The Covert Narcissist
The covert narcissist is tricky to spot. Everything about their narcissism is more understated—in fact, you might not even realize you’ve been dealing with a narcissist for a long time. Covert narcissists are often your coworkers or subordinates.
Covert narcissists come across as kind and charming. They may even appear humble. For example, they may publicly demean themselves in the hope others will contradict them. They may say, “I’m just not great at what I do. I don’t know why this company hired me,” hoping others will reassure them and feed their narcissistic supply.
Covert narcissists often engage in smear campaigns under the guise of concern. “I’m really worried about Bob,” they’ll say. “He got in late to work this morning because he was out late drinking. His drinking problem is really getting out of control. I wonder how we can help him.” They’ll say all this knowing full well that Bob has no drinking problem—and might not even drink at all!
A covert narcissist’s smear campaign relies on passive aggressiveness. They may send a mass email and “forget” to copy you. In a group project, they may leave out your accomplishments altogether.
The Malignant Narcissist
All narcissists are dangerous, but the malignant narcissist is particularly menacing. They have an antisocial personality and typically have another condition like psychopathy or sociopathy. They will do anything and everything to take down those they deem as being against them.
Many times, if a malignant narcissist has achieved a leadership position, it’s because they weren’t concerned about who they stepped on or whose lives they destroyed along the way. They’re not afraid to use threats and intimidation tactics to get what they want.
When a malignant narcissist launches a smear campaign, they leave a wake of devastating destruction. They won’t hesitate to accuse someone of having engaged in the most horrific or unthinkable behavior. In a work setting, those accusations can be things like embezzlement, fraud, or assault.
What Can You Do?
If You’re a Boss (The Narcissist Is Your Employee)
If you’ve hired a narcissist, don’t fall into the trap of thinking things will get better. Remember that where there’s smoke, there’s fire: when a narcissist shows you who they truly are, believe them.
So what should you do? Fire them. No matter how skilled they may be, they are replaceable. You’ll be better off with someone else, even someone less experienced but with more integrity.
If You’re an Employee (The Narcissist Is Your Boss)
If you work for a narcissist, your situation is a little trickier. A narcissistic boss won’t improve—in fact, they’ll only get worse. Their lack of empathy and endless pursuit of supply will make the whole workplace a toxic environment. If it’s possible to do so, quit your job or transfer to a different branch.
If You’re a Coworker (You Work with the Narcissist)
If you work with a narcissist, there are a few things you can do to maintain professional boundaries and keep yourself out of the narcissist’s destructive path.
First, you should always follow up on everything via email so you have things written down with a time and date stamp included. Following up with a paper trail takes away some of their power and control over you.
Next, avoid the drama they create at all costs. Don’t get involved in their gossip and smear campaigns. If necessary, consult HR or management and hold formal negotiation meetings.
Further Help (If You Can’t Quit)
Whether the narcissist is an employee, a coworker, or a boss, if you can’t get out of the situation, there are a few other tactics you can try:
- Observe, don’t absorb
- Respond, don’t react
- Speak slower and lower to bring the tension down
Using these strategies will help you avoid a narcissistic attack and maintain your sanity. If you’re still struggling, consider taking a negotiation skills course like Rebecca Zung’s SLAY® Your Negotiation with a Narcissist. This will help you break free from the narcissist’s drama, trauma, and chaos and stand in your power.