“I know you are, but what am I?” It’s a classic line used by small children to deflect blame . . . and it’s also a tactic frequently used by narcissists.
If you’ve ever tried to tell a narcissist that they’re being manipulative, insensitive, or any other negative description, you know how they’ll deflect the blame and project it right back onto you. It’s an infuriating cycle of toxicity, and it can make you feel incredibly shameful and anxious.
Fortunately, there are simple steps you can take to protect yourself and your mental health from the destructive projection of a narcissist.
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What Is Projection?
Narcissistic projection involves a narcissist taking their own negative traits and feelings and assigning them to someone else. Sometimes, it happens when someone accuses them of doing something wrong, and sometimes, it happens without any accusations at all.
For example, if you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you may notice their tendency to lie. If you accuse them of being a pathological liar, they’ll turn right around and say that you’re the liar.
Sometimes, narcissists project ahead of time before anyone can even accuse them of doing something. A narcissist may repeatedly accuse you of cheating when, in reality, they’re cheating without your knowledge.
Why Do Narcissists Project?
Narcissists use projection as a self-defense mechanism. Some people think that narcissists have an incredibly inflated ego. While that’s true on the surface, underneath, narcissists actually have no sense of self-worth at all.
To compensate for their lack of intrinsic self-esteem, narcissists are constantly on the hunt for external sources to fill their supply. To add to this, narcissists-whether or not they admit it to themselves-are aware of their inadequacies. Both these things mix together to make a stew of toxic projection that they serve to their victims to fill their narcissistic supply.
Essentially, narcissists project their own faults onto others to help them feel superior while undermining others. Instead of confronting their flaws and insecurities, they cast them onto others in an attempt to protect what little self-esteem they have.
You can view projection as a form of gaslighting. When a narcissist calls you a manipulative liar, it also invalidates any claims you might make against them in the future. This gives them more control over you and fills their supply.
The Effects of Projection on Victims
Anyone who’s been a victim of a narcissist knows the persistent anxiety, shame, and fear that come with projection. It can completely destroy your self-esteem. Eventually, a narcissist’s projection can make you feel like there’s no use in pointing out any wrongdoing. You know you’ll just be invalidated and accused of being and doing even worse.
Over time, the gaslighting effects of narcissistic projection can make you question your own reality and sanity. Even if you have proof of the narcissist’s faults right in front of you, their projection can make you wonder if you’re seeing things that aren’t there.
What Can You Do?
The best thing you can do to protect yourself from narcissistic projection is to remove all emotions from the situation. Remember that a narcissist will do whatever they feel they have to do to fill their supply. As hard as it may be, try not to take it personally.
A tactic you can use is to look at the situation as if you’re a third-party observer. Don’t show the narcissist that you’re upset-that only gives them more control over you and gives them another hit to their supply.
Very few narcissists ever realize something may be wrong with them. Even fewer are willing to take the necessary steps to admit their faults and overcome their narcissistic tendencies. Because of this, it’s almost impossible to reason with a narcissist, convince them that you’re right, or get a genuine apology from them.
The trick is to use negotiation strategies that will turn the projection weapon around and undercut the narcissist’s supply. Simply verbally accept the projection by saying, “OK, if that’s how you feel,” and quickly move on. Don’t give their accusations any more attention or energy than absolutely necessary, because any pushback will only further feed their supply and chisel away at your self-esteem.
Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Projection
If you find that narcissistic projection is becoming too much for you to deal with, look into a negotiation course that specializes in dealing with narcissists. When you take a course from someone who deeply understands narcissism, you can find all the tools you need to disarm a narcissist and take away their power.
In all your interactions with a narcissist, the most important thing to do is to not let yourself believe their accusations. As difficult as it may be, don’t let their gaslighting and projection get to you. Remember that what you see and feel is both real and valid.
Narcissistic projection is a pervasive, anxiety-inducing tactic that can have devastating effects on victims. However, if you manage to keep your emotions out of it, remember that your experiences are real, and seek outside help, you can become immune to a narcissist’s projection.