Divorce is always a grueling process. Factoring in things like child support and custody agreements makes it even more emotionally exhausting. But when your ex is a narcissist, it can be an unbelievably painful ordeal.
If you share kids with your narcissistic ex, you probably have a preference for how the custody arrangement should go. But with the narcissist challenging your every move, it can feel impossible to get what you want out of the agreement.
The key to understanding how to beat a narcissist in custody court is to study narcissistic techniques so you can stay one step ahead and outsmart them. If you can do this while maintaining a clear head, you’ll have the best chance at success.
How Do Custody Arrangements Work?
While you’re certainly angry, hurt, and upset about your divorce, it’s important to remember that keeping your child away from your ex is only in their best interest if the ex poses a danger to the child. Many states now lean toward a 50/50 timesharing plan. This refers to the time actually spent with the parents (usually counted by overnights) but is distinguished by decision-making authority (the big areas here being medical, educational and religious).
The law in the U.S. provides that the court must make findings of fact and then apply the “best interests of the child” law to the facts. Normally, even written agreements aren’t automatically “rubber stamped”. The courts can’t “abdicate their authority” to anyone in making a “best interests” decision—not even to the parents. Both parents have a constitutional right to their children. This means that unless there’s severe abuse or neglect involved, or other extenuating factors, it’s not realistic for you to expect to be awarded sole custody but you can plead it sometimes in order to gain leverage.
However, there are other ways to win a custody battle. There are actually two types of custody: physical and legal. Physical custody refers to the living and visitation arrangements between the children and parents. Legal custody refers to the right to make decisions for the children. These decisions can include things like schools, health care, or religion.
Typically, courts split both legal and physical custody equally between two parents. However, barring any form of abuse, both types of custody are flexible depending on parents’ desires. This is where you can use your leverage against your narcissistic ex to get what you feel is best for your kids.
Document Everything
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can make you feel broken, worthless, and without any motivation. Now that you’re breaking free from them, it’s time to take back your power and turn their shortcomings into leverage against them. You can do this by documenting everything.
Custody cases are driven and decided by facts. A judge won’t simply take your word that your ex continually cancels their parenting time—you need proof. You can collect proof by screenshotting or downloading text conversations (there are apps to help you with this), saving and printing emails, or taking videos.
What to Document
You should record every interaction you have with your narcissist ex. This doesn’t just include face-to-face interactions or messaging. You need to document every late child support payment, every lie, every time they are late or refuse to make modifications to the parenting plan, and every piece of evidence denoting physical and psychological abuse. You should also find witnesses who can attest to this evidence to strengthen your case against the narcissist.
As you do this, it can be extremely tempting to fire shots back at your ex. There are two reasons you shouldn’t do this.
First, assume that just as you’re documenting everything, your ex is, too. Keep the phrase “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law” in mind at all times. And remember to never J.A.D.E.: never Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. You’re never going to convince a narcissist of anything, so don’t waste your time, energy, or money trying.
Second, you want to keep this leverage a secret until you enter mediation, a settlement conference, or the courtroom. If you give it away too early, your ex will know your plans and attempt to charm the judge like they charmed you.
Decide what you want out of your negotiations. What’s your vision? If you could wave a magic wand, what would your settlement look like? Maybe you want to be the one to decide where your kids should go to school. Perhaps it’s crucial that you have the kids every Sunday so you can ensure they go to church. Whatever your priorities may be, identify them and categorize them into must-haves and would-be-nice-to-haves.
Your ultimate goal should be to find ways your ex has failed in parenting. Then, you can use this leverage to prove to the judge why you, not your ex, deserve to be given the legal and physical custody arrangement you’ve asked for. When a judge sees your proof of your ex’s incompetence, they’ll be much more likely to award you certain decisions and parenting plans.
Most importantly, don’t let the narcissist know what your desires are. You’re going to use it as leverage when the time comes.
In the Courtroom
Your ex is constantly searching for hits to their narcissistic supply. Their diamond-standard hit is their reputation. They want to maintain a spotless facade at all times, including in front of a judge.
You can use this to your advantage. By using the leverage you’ve created in the documentation process, your evidence will expose the narcissist and threaten their reputation.
A narcissist won’t agree to something unless they feel threatened, and they certainly won’t agree when they think they’ve lost and you’ve won. This is the time to pull out your list of desires. Make your would-be-nice-to-have items seem like your biggest desires and your must-haves look like things you’ll compromise on. This way, the narcissist will think they’ve won, but you’ve actually won.
How to Beat a Narcissist in Family Court
While in negotiations, always remember to keep your emotions in check. Don’t let the narcissist bully you into blowing up and making the judge think you’re an emotional powder keg.
An incredible resource you can use to beat a narcissist is the Rebecca Zung Negotiation GPT located inside the Slay Your Negotiation with a Narcissist Program. It will help you to build your leverage from your documentation.
You can upload your documents, texts, emails, or anything else you want. The GPT will then help you come up with summaries, arguments, and ideas for leverage. Using this GPT feature will also support you in determining what is driving the narcissist and how to get them to be incentivized to want to come to a resolution with you.
Divorcing a narcissist is an undeniably painful affair. You find yourself at the mercy of a narcissist over and over again, and it might seem like there’s no end in sight. But with the right approach, you can build a solid case against your ex and come out on top to secure the best future for your children.