When you’re in the middle of a divorce, it’s easy to see your partner in the worst light. After all, if you’re dealing with mediations and custody disputes, their worst side really does come out.
You may see their selfish and inconsiderate acts and brand them as a narcissist.
But how do you know whether you’re dealing with a true narcissist? How do you know they’re not just a difficult person who tends toward high conflict?
It might not seem important to distinguish between the two, but understanding a narcissist and how they think can help you immensely in your negotiations. When you’re able to identify whether your spouse really is a narcissist, you can better understand how to protect yourself against their attacks.
Traits of a Narcissist
First, you should understand that many difficult people can display narcissistic traits, but that doesn’t necessarily make them narcissists. A true narcissist has NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder. Their brain is stuck in an arrested state of emotional development, which influences how they think and act.
Low Self-Esteem That Hides Behind a Mask
NPD is thought to come from childhood trauma, where the person was never instilled with a sense of intrinsic self-worth. Because of that, they have extremely low self-esteem but are desperate to hide that fact. When you first get to know a narcissist, you probably won’t have any idea that they secretly have no self-esteem.
Narcissists are on a constant search to fill their narcissistic supply and appear to be confident. They spend a lot of time seeking validation from others and getting reassurance from external sources. You might see glimpses of their lack of self-worth as you get to know them, but they will be fleeting and far between.
A difficult or high conflict person, on the other hand, does have a sense of self-worth. They might even have a genuinely inflated ego. You probably won’t see any desperation from them to prove themselves or hide their lack of self-worth with a mask of confidence like you would a narcissist.
Lack of Empathy
The biggest telltale sign of a narcissist is their lack of empathy. This doesn’t mean they’re merely cruel or uncaring—they genuinely don’t have a sense of empathy or understanding about what other people go through. This, like the lack of self-esteem, stems from their childhood brain development.
Because they don’t feel empathy, narcissists don’t do any self-reflection after an argument. When you want to come together to resolve an argument, they won’t admit any wrongdoing. They always have to be right, and they’d rather keep the conflict going than take any criticism from you.
A crucial part of understanding this is to consider the narcissist’s constant need for supply. They have different levels of supply—differing methods to fuel their empty self-esteem tank—and some are more valuable to them than others. Their gold-standard source of supply is their reputation. A narcissist will do anything to protect their reputation and how they appear to others. Admitting wrongdoing will damage their reputation, so they will avoid it at all costs.
In contrast, a high conflict person can have empathy and self-reflection (even if they don’t want to). If you’ve seen empathy and self-reflection in your spouse, even if only at the beginning of the relationship, they’re likely just a high-conflict personality and not a true narcissist.
Gaslighting: Projection and Deflection; Lying and Denying
Gaslighting is a term to describe when someone, especially a narcissist, convinces others that they’re imagining or misremembering things. Being gaslit makes the victim question their reality, judgment, and even their sanity.
Unfortunately, gaslighting is a favorite tool of every narcissist. Because they rely so heavily on their diamond-level supply, they find great satisfaction in gaslighting victims into believing that the narcissist is always right.
Narcissists also project and deflect their own failings onto those around them. They lie and deny because their egos are so fragile. So they never take responsibility for their mistakes. For instance, you’ll often see them calling other people selfish, inconsiderate, arrogant, and rude.
Gaslighting and projection go hand-in-hand when it comes to narcissism. If you try to call out a narcissist for lying or breaking their word, they’ll turn it around on you, making you believe you’re crazy, that they never promised such a thing, and that you’re remembering things incorrectly.
High conflict personalities can use these techniques as well, but you won’t see them used as often or in such sinister ways as a narcissist does. The narcissist’s negative effects are deeply pervasive, destroying your own self-esteem as they take you down to build themselves up. High conflict personalities aren’t fun to deal with, but they’re easy compared to a true narcissist.
Traits of a High Conflict Personality
A person with a high conflict personality tends to exhibit persistent and intense reactions to disagreements or perceived slights, often escalating issues rather than resolving them. Unlike narcissists, their behavior may not be rooted in grandiosity or entitlement, but they can be rigidly adversarial, viewing interactions in terms of winners and losers.
They often blame others for their problems, struggle to take accountability, and may have a pervasive “all or nothing” mindset, leading them to perceive even minor conflicts as major threats. Their reactions are typically out of proportion to the situation, displaying intense emotions like anger, frustration, or anxiety. People with high conflict personalities may frequently shift from allies to adversaries based on slight provocations, often creating instability in relationships.
Dealing with a Narcissist vs. a High Conflict Person
Understanding whether you’re dealing with a true narcissist is essential for learning how to beat a narcissist in court. You’ll want to search in your area for lawyers who specialize in narcissistic abuse. This will ensure you have someone in your corner who understands narcissistic thought processes and can anticipate every attack.
Whether you’re divorcing a difficult person or a full-blown narcissist, you’ll want to be prepared for every possible scenario in your mediation and negotiations. Rebecca Zung’s SLAY Your Negotiation with a Narcissist program is an invaluable resource for learning how to negotiate with difficult people and bona fide narcissists.
Video
Infographic
Many difficult individuals may show narcissistic traits, but that doesn’t mean they are true narcissists. A true narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which affects their emotional development and behavior. Find out in this infographic the key traits of a true narcissist.
