Imagine playing a game with someone where the consequence of losing means you lose your support system. Many of your close friends and family members just disappear as if by magic.
Now, imagine this: thousands of people are forced to play this game every day. Their opponents are narcissists, and the game is very real. To a narcissist, your support system is their competition. And they play to win.
One of a narcissist’s many sickening tactics is to cut off their victims from their circle of loved ones. There are many reasons they do this and many ways they go about playing the isolation game. Fortunately, there are also several things you can do to protect yourself from their isolating tactics.
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Why Do Narcissists Isolate Their Victims?
Making their victims feel alone is about more than just being cruel. Narcissists have genuine—but still sinister—reasons for why they feel the need to cut their victims off from their support system.
If you don’t know much about narcissism, you might assume that they’re arrogant and vain. While this is true on the outside for some types of narcissists, it’s not truly the way narcissists feel about themselves. Inside, they’re incredibly insecure and terrified of anyone finding that out.
Because of this, they have a constant need to fill their empty sense of self-esteem. They do this by asserting control over others and taking away their confidence to feed their own. They often become jealous and possessive, especially when their romantic partners spend time with others. They want total control.
Often, to gain control over those closest to them, narcissists involve others in their plot. We call this “triangulation.” This serves two purposes: they get attention, validation, and adoration from the third person, and they get to take away more control from you in the process.
Above all, narcissists value their reputation. To them, the relationships and lives they shatter don’t matter as long as their reputation remains intact. This often means that they destroy their ties to their own family and those they’re supposed to love the most.
A Narcissist’s Toolbox: Isolation Tactics
Gaslighting
Whether or not the goal is to isolate their victims, gaslighting is a favorite tool of all narcissists. They’re experts at getting you to question your memories, reality, and sanity.
To separate you from your support system, narcissists will convince you that the people you love don’t really care about you. They’ll tell you that they are the only person you really need and can depend on. They might even lie to you, telling you that your friend or family member said horrible things about you to them. The narcissist will say this all to you with the excuse of having your best interest at heart.
Control Your Communication and Finances
As romantic partners, narcissists find great satisfaction in controlling your communication. They might insist that you don’t take any calls from people unless they approve first. They might regularly confiscate your phone and go through it to see who you’ve been talking to. They might even forbid you from messaging people and force you to delete your social media accounts.
Controlling your finances is another way narcissists can cut you off from your loved ones. If you tell them you plan to go out with friends for drinks, you might find your card declined when you go to pay. They might tell you there’s no room in the budget for family member gifts. Whatever they say, they aim to make you feel embarrassed, ashamed, and helpless.
Gather Their Flying Monkeys
When you hear the term “flying monkeys,” you likely think of the Wicked Witch of the West’s animal henchmen from The Wizard of Oz. The flying monkeys were there to spy on the witch’s enemies and report back to her.
Narcissists use a similar technique, called triangulation, to gain control over you. They’ll assemble a team of people to spy on you and validate them. They’ll spin all sorts of crazy stories to tell their flying monkeys: you’re crazy, you have a drinking problem, you’re an unfit parent. They use these people as a way to validate their actions and feed their narcissistic supply.
Many times, the people narcissists use are near and dear to you. They’ll turn these people against you, leaving you feeling even more isolated and lonely.
What You Can Do
When you’re in the grip of a narcissist’s isolation game, it can feel difficult, even impossible, to see a way out.
However, the most important thing to help you on your journey of escaping is to remember that their gaslighting is not real. What they say about your support system is untrue: you are loved and can rely on others to help. Trust those closest to you who haven’t been drawn into the narcissist’s charm. Maintain your support system and resist the isolation as best you can.
You might also want to expand your support system. Find a therapist who specializes in narcissism. If you’re going through a divorce, look for lawyers who understand narcissism to help you in your court proceedings.
When you deal with the narcissist, try not to react at all to their triangulation efforts. As soon as you acknowledge what they’ve done, you’re giving them attention and feeding their narcissistic supply. You might find it extremely helpful to take a strategic negotiation online course to help you learn how to communicate with a narcissist while maintaining your mental health.
Breaking free from a narcissist’s isolation game is no easy feat. But if you maintain your confidence, awareness, and support system, you can break free from the narcissist’s isolating tactics and beat them at their own game.