In today’s digital world, social media offers hundreds of opportunities for self-expression, connection, and inspiration. However, where there is light, there are also shadows—and covert narcissists lurking within the dark shadows of social media.
Unlike typical narcissists, covert narcissists are more subtle and often more manipulative. They’re experts in putting forth a humble exterior on social media while getting the attention and praise they crave. They also know how to use social media as a weapon against those they’re in a relationship with, whether romantic or platonic.
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If you’ve been a victim of a covert narcissist’s cruelty on social media platforms, you know how insecure and powerless it can make you feel. However, you can take steps to rebuild your self-esteem and protect yourself from future attacks.
Covert Narcissists
First, you should understand the difference between a typical narcissist and a covert narcissist. Covert narcissists are much more stealthy. They tend to be kind and gentle on the surface, often to the point where you might not even recognize them as a narcissist. Even though they have the same insatiable need for attention as typical narcissists, they won’t show it and may even insist that you or someone else take the spotlight.
Covert narcissists are master manipulators. They love using passive-aggressive language and disguising insults to look like compliments. For example, they may compliment you on losing weight but slip in a quick comment about how it’s too bad you’ll have so many stretch marks and loose skin.
Because covert narcissists are so smooth with their language and precise with their insults, you may not even realize you’re trapped in a relationship with one—whether a friendship, romance, or workplace association—until you’re in too deep to get out without damage.
How Covert Narcissists Operate on Social Media
Social media platforms are where narcissists thrive. They can get dozens of hits a day to their narcissistic supply for relatively little effort. It’s an especially convenient place for covert narcissists to go because they rely on using subtle and elusive tactics to feed their supply and target their victims.
If you look at a narcissist’s social media profile, you might see posts focusing on their achievements and charitable works. Covert narcissists, in particular, will focus more on the things they’ve done rather than themselves—maybe a panoramic photo of a nonprofit event they attended rather than them holding an award at the event. This helps them receive praise while appearing to keep the attention off themselves.
In the Beginning: Love Bombing
Narcissists also love using social media to interact with their victims. They begin a relationship with love bombing. On social media, you’ll see them liking all your posts and leaving gushing comments. While typical narcissists might include insults at this stage, covert narcissists usually don’t, which keeps you fooled about their true nature. Their attention makes you feel flattered and encouraged, but it’s all part of their plan.
Next: Devaluation
Once the love bombing stage fades, the devaluation phase begins. At first, covert narcissists will back off on the attention they shower on you. They’ll only like and comment intermittently, then leave you hanging at other times. This indirectly hits their supply because they know you’re hoping for their attention, making them feel superior.
As this phase continues, you’ll start to feel insecure, which is exactly what the covert narcissist wants. Insecure people are easier to manipulate and control.
Next, covert narcissists will dig deeper into devaluing you. This is where you’ll start seeing passive-aggressive comments on your posts. Covert narcissists might also bring up a post with you in person to insult you instead of publicly commenting, so they can more easily maintain their kind and humble facade.
If you’re in a romantic relationship with a covert narcissist, you might notice them liking and commenting on posts from those who seem like competitors—models, influencers, even exes. Meanwhile, they’re giving your posts less and less attention, except to subtly hurt your self-esteem.
If you ever try to call the narcissist out on their behavior, they’ll gaslight you. You’re the crazy one; you’re seeing things that aren’t there; they’re just trying to help you improve.
What Can You Do?
These constant hits to your self-esteem are humiliating. Even if you end the personal relationship, it can feel like you’ll never completely get away from the narcissist. The nature of social media means that everything you post is at risk of being seen by the narcissist, whether directly or through one of their flying monkeys (or allies).
Block, Block, Block
The first step to protect yourself on social media is to block them on every platform. This means blocking their personal profile, any business accounts they have, and all of their flying monkeys’ profiles, too. Make sure you block them on every account you have so they can’t see anything you’re up to in your personal or professional life.
An important reason to block them is for negotiation planning. Most lawyers that deal with narcissists will warn you that anything you post can be used against you in future negotiations. Narcissists look for every opportunity to take you down, so don’t give them the power to use screenshots of your personal life in court.
Be aware that narcissists won’t respond well to being blocked. They see this as the ultimate insult, and they understand that they won’t be getting any more narcissistic supply hits from you. If you still have to maintain contact with them, they’ll take their rage out on you in person or over the phone. They may also launch a smear campaign against you.
Protect Your Mental Health
Continued contact with a narcissist or becoming the victim of a smear campaign—or both—can be devastating. However, after blocking the narcissist, you should focus on protecting and healing yourself.
If you still maintain contact with the narcissist, don’t be afraid to call them out on their behavior. The more you call them out, the more their covert mask will fall away, and others will see them for who they really are.
Remember never to rise to their assaults, especially their smear campaigns. Narcissists are waiting for that moment you snap so they can twist things: “Look, I told you! You’re the crazy one!”
Above all, prioritize your mental health. You might need to delete your social media accounts altogether to avoid taking any further hits to your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Regardless of what you do, don’t let the narcissist feed off you anymore. Remember that once you understand their strategies and protect yourself, you can escape their online abuse.
Need more help dealing with the narcissist in your life? Our online negotiation training can help you keep the upper hand with high-conflict personalities.