The sound of silence can be deafening. When you try everything in your power to negotiate with a narcissist only to be met with the silent treatment, you can be left feeling incredibly small and desperate for answers to your questions. What did I do wrong? How can I fix this?
Negotiating with a narcissist is no small task. But did you know you can harness the power of silence and use it against a narcissist to effectively get what you want?
(Anete Lusina/pexels)
The Silent Treatment vs. The No-Contact Approach
You might be hesitant to consider using silence as a negotiation tool because of all the damage it’s inflicted on you. However, we’re recommending that you use something called the no-contact approach, which is different and far more constructive than the silent treatment.
The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist’s Weapon
There are three phases of your relationship with a narcissist. The first phase is love bombing, the next is devaluing, and the last is discarding. Narcissists use silence as a weapon in both the devaluing and the discard phase.
During the devaluing phase, a narcissist can alternate between treating you well and treating you horribly. They may also just mistreat you for the whole phase. One of their favorite ways to devalue you is to use the silent treatment.
They do this as a way to gain control over you and fill their narcissistic supply. They withhold communication in order to elicit a response from you, leaving you feeling confused and full of self-doubt. Your attempts to reach out only feed their supply.
When the narcissist senses you’re no longer of any use to them, they begin the discard phase. This means they take the silent treatment to a new level and ghost you completely. You won’t get any sort of response from them once the discard phase begins.
Overall, a narcissist uses silence as a means of control-specifically to control you and take away your sense of self-worth to feed their own.
The No-Contact Approach: Your Strategy
When you’re ready to break free from the clutches of a narcissist, you can leverage the no-contact approach.
You might start with a final message to the narcissist letting them know that you will be ending contact with them. If your relationship necessitates it, you can tell them to go through the proper legal procedures if they need anything from you. Doing this can help ease any guilt you might have of using silence as a strategy.
Next, you do just what the strategy implies: end all contact. The main difference between your approach and the narcissist’s is that you’re not doing it to gain control, take away their self-esteem, or elicit a response. In fact, the opposite is likely true-you’d probably love it if you never had to hear from them again. You’re simply doing what’s necessary to protect your own mental health.
What Will Happen?
When you hit a narcissist with the no-contact approach, they’ll go through a predictable set of steps in response. The key at every phase? Don’t fall for it.
First: They’ll Blow Up Your Phone
The narcissist’s immediate response will be to frantically try to contact you using every possible route: texts, phone calls, emails, social media messages-all of it.
You’ll notice that they’ll send messages of hate, disbelief, mockery, and emotional manipulation to try to get you to end your no-contact stance.
Next: They’ll Use Tried-and-True Techniques
When they don’t find success with their initial messages, the narcissist will then use whatever techniques drew you in in the first place, either in the beginning of the relationship or during a fight. That could be anything from love bombing and apologizing to projecting, deflecting, or promising things will be different next time.
Then: They’ll Find a New Supply Source
When that technique fails, a narcissist will bring in reinforcements in the form of other people. Sometimes, that will be a new significant other or best friend. Other times, it will be a friend they bring on their side-much like a flying monkey from the “Wizard of Oz”-to use as a witness against you in a smear campaign.
The goal here will be to make you jealous or afraid of what they might do to you. They’re also looking for someone new to control to fill their narcissistic supply since you’re not doing that for them anymore.
Finally: Narcissistic Collapse
This final phase doesn’t always happen-sometimes they leave you alone after finding a new supply source-but when it does, it’s satisfying.
You’ll know the narcissist is starting to collapse when they begin to make mistakes or decisions that seem erratic. They may start to beg you to break the silence. They do this out of desperation. You were a significant source of supply to them, and now they’re frantically trying to get that supply back.
If you’re wondering how to defend yourself against a narcissist in court, here’s one way you can use a narcissist’s collapse to your advantage. They may make such reckless decisions that you’ll end up with some solid pieces of evidence to use against them in court.
As with every other step in a narcissist’s pattern of response to silence, the essential part to remember is not to fall for their behavior. Don’t let yourself feel guilty and break your no-contact rule. Remember how much better your life will be without the draining influence of a narcissist.
Silence is Golden
Whether or not the narcissist in your life experiences a complete collapse, if you stay committed to your no-contact approach, you can break free of a narcissist’s stranglehold. Harnessing the power of silence will help you regain the power the narcissist sought to strip away from you and build a life free from their toxic influence.
Infographic
To break free from a narcissist, consider the no-contact approach to protect your mental health. This strategy often elicits a predictable reaction from the narcissist. Explore more in the infographic.
