Have you ever seen those parents in TV shows who seem afraid to say “no” to their children? They don’t want to deal with the temper tantrums and would rather just give the kids whatever they want. It creates spoiled children who are so used to hearing “yes” and getting whatever they ask for that “no” is almost a foreign concept to them. Every “yes” reinforces the toxic cycle, while it becomes harder for anyone to say “no.”
Now, imagine that same concept, but with a narcissist replacing the spoiled child. The concept of saying “no” to a narcissist can be absolutely terrifying—not because they’re spoiled, but because of their threats and uncontrollable outbursts of narcissistic rage.
Whether you’re the victim of a narcissist, you want to help a victim, or you just want to understand narcissism, let’s examine why it’s so hard to say “no” to a narcissist—and how to get past your fear and do it successfully.
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Saying “No”: Why Is It So Hard?
First, it’s important to understand that a narcissist develops very differently from most spoiled children. Most experts believe that narcissistic personalities are created because of some kind of childhood trauma. When a person isn’t instilled with a sense of inner worth, they develop a constant need to fuel their empty sense of self.
They get that “fill” by taking advantage of and controlling others. Narcissistic people can evolve into three main types of narcissists, all defined by different characteristics and tactics. But there are a few things each type has in common. Manipulation, threats, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and explosive fits of rage are all part of a narcissist’s playbook.
To a narcissist, “no” is more than just a word. It represents a loss of control and their source of narcissistic supply. Their desperation to fill their supply means that they see the word “no” as a complete rejection and a personal attack.
Narcissists see things in black and white. This means that, in their mind, you’re either for them or against them. The minute you tell them “no,” you become Public Enemy Number One. You’ve now opened yourself to their attacks.
How to Get Over Your Fear
The next step to getting over your fear of telling a narcissist “no” is to recognize and validate what you’ve been through. Whether the narcissist in your life is a romantic partner, coworker, friend, or relative, you’ve been conditioned repeatedly to stay out of the narcissist’s path and go along with their every wish.
Some narcissists use blackmail to keep others in line. Some threaten violence or revenge. Others promise to withhold affection, money, or anything else a narcissist can use as control.
Some victims of narcissists are empaths or people-pleasers. They don’t want a narcissist to feel sad or angry, so they keep saying “yes” out of loyalty to their own character.
Whatever their threats or your reasons, understand that you’re never going to become free of a narcissist by pacifying them. You’ll only get sucked in deeper to the whirlpool of toxicity, eventually being dragged so far under that you’ll feel you’ll never emerge again.
Instead, you can stay true to yourself by being kind and generous while still holding boundaries. You can say “no” kindly but firmly. Every time you do, you’ll regain a little more power to swim out of the whirlpool until you’re safely back on shore.
How to Say “No” Effectively
The easiest way to learn to say “no” is to start with the little things. You’ll find this less difficult than saying it to the bigger things, which can be tough right off the bat. These can be things like saying “no” to doing your spouse’s chores, taking over your coworker’s part of the project, or paying for a narcissistic friend’s lunch again. Remind the narcissist that that’s their responsibility, not yours.
Each time you say “no” to a little thing, you’re shifting the power dynamic back to equal footing. The narcissist has previously had all the power in your relationship, but now you can take back some of your power and gain confidence to say “no” to the bigger things.
A good technique to follow when learning how to negotiate with a narcissist is to keep things short and simple. Never JADE: Never justify, argue, defend, or explain. The less you explain things, the less ammunition you’ll give them. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence.
Additionally, you’ll need to stay as calm and neutral as possible. Stick to your boundaries. You might need to repeat certain things several times. Phrases like “I’ve made my decision” or “I understand that you think that about me” are neutral ways to hold your ground. Don’t apologize for telling the narcissist “no,” because that makes it seem like your answer is negotiable. Remember, where you give an inch, a narcissist will take a mile.
Last, anticipate their pushback, but don’t let it sway you. Don’t fall for the guilt-tripping or name-calling. The narcissist’s reaction is only a reflection of themselves, not of you.
A Narcissist’s Temper Tantrum
Let’s bring our comparison full circle. Like spoiled children, narcissists love to throw temper tantrums. Instead of pounding their fists on the floor and screaming, their methods are often much more nefarious, leaving you terrified of their backlash.
However, like a spoiled child, a narcissist will eventually give up when they see there’s no possibility of getting what they want. As long as you hold your ground, you can free yourself from a narcissist’s control and take back your own power.