Financial abuse is a silent, often overlooked form of control that can devastate victims, leaving them trapped in a cycle of dependency and fear. When financial abuse intersects with narcissistic behavior, the situation can be disastrous.
Narcissists are master manipulators, and they often use money as a weapon to dominate and devalue their partners. Recognizing the signs of financial abuse in such relationships is the crucial first step in reclaiming your independence. Once you identify the signs, you can learn to overcome your partner’s tactics and break free of the manipulation.
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What Is Financial Abuse?
First, let’s give a quick overview of what financial abuse entails, especially when a narcissist is the abuser.
Narcissists love to feel powerful and in control. This extends to nearly every facet of their lives, but especially as it concerns their partners. An easy way for a narcissist to exercise power in a relationship is to control the finances. They can do this in many ways, as you’ll see below, but the important thing to know is that they do this as a form of dominance.
Narcissistic partners have an attitude of “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine, too.” They’ll manifest this belief by combining it with a classic narcissist trait: elevating themselves by putting their partner down.
A financially abusive narcissist will tell their partner something like, “I’ll take over the budgeting. Our money is safer with me—you don’t know how to manage it.” Whether they take the angle of their partner being uneducated, bad with money, too scatterbrained, or simply incompetent, they’ll never fail to make their partner feel inferior and use that angle to take over the money in the relationship.
What Are the Signs of Financial Abuse?
If you’re researching the signs of financial abuse, that’s your first indicator that you may be in a financially abusive relationship. Of course, there are several other things to look out for.
Red Flag #1: They Give You a Small Allowance
Narcissists, especially covert narcissists, are experts at manipulating their partners. In terms of financial abuse, a narcissist will give their partner a small allowance for personal spending. This amount usually isn’t sufficient, but it’s enough to make it seem like they’re being fair and even generous.
There’s a hidden advantage in this strategy: when you have to go to your partner to ask for more money, the narcissist feels an even bigger sense of superiority. They get to exert more control, whether they give you more or refuse.
Red Flag #2: They Strategize Debts and Assets
When you think of a financially equal relationship, you probably imagine that debts and assets are listed under both names as much as possible. This isn’t the case with a narcissist.
Narcissists will often list debts under their partner’s name and assets in their own name. Debts can be anything from car loans to credit cards. Assets, however, are “safer” with them. In their minds, this not only increases their sense of security, but also leaves their partner with nothing but crippling debt should they try to leave the relationship.
Particularly calculating narcissists may lull you into a sense of security by hiding this strategy behind a generous front. For example, your partner may buy you a new car and insist you deserve it—but it’s registered under their name.
Red Flag #3: They Have Double Standards
If your partner has given you money, no matter how you spend it, they’ll find a way to criticize you and exploit your insecurities. Meanwhile, they have no problem spending money however they see fit.
They may come home with a brand-new truck and then walk inside and berate you for signing your kids up for tutoring. “You’re not the one who worked for this money,” they might say. “You’re lazy and uneducated. I’m the one who knows where our money needs to go.”
Red Flag #4: They Restrict Your Access to Information
Do you know the passwords to your bank accounts? Do your mailed bank statements go to your home?
If you answered no to either of those questions, your partner is practically waving this red flag high and proud. Narcissists often keep bank passwords hidden from their partners and have statements sent to their offices to keep information from their partners. As long as the partner is in the dark, the narcissist is in control.
What Can You Do?
So, you’re a victim of financial abuse. Where do you go from here?
First, the unfortunate reality is that you can’t do much without money. Open a bank account—keep it secret if you must—and start funneling money into it. You might need to ask friends or family members for a loan if you fear your partner questioning where the money is going.
Once you’ve done that, you’re ready to get an attorney. Make sure you find a lawyer who specializes in narcissistic abuse—financial control is absolutely a valid form of abuse. You need someone who knows how to deal with a narcissist in court to help you regain your independence.
Your attorney will need several documents detailing where your money has gone. Make sure you have hard copies of important documents like bank statements and prenuptial agreements hidden in a safe place. Consider giving extra copies to family members to keep them safe.
If you can’t produce these documents, you may need to hire a forensic accountant. Forensic accountants specialize in finding where every cent was spent in the years immediately preceding the filing of the petition for dissolution of marriage. They can then use this information to produce a lifestyle analysis, or determine what a payor’s true income is, which the court may need to determine child or spousal support awards, or attorney’s fees awards.
Remember that in the case of a narcissist, silence is golden. As the saying goes, anything you say can and will be used against you. Don’t let your narcissist know even a hint of your plans, and once you’ve left the relationship, cut off all communication.
Above all, don’t panic. The first step in getting out of an abusive narcissistic relationship is recognizing that you’re in one. Once you know the signs, you’ll be able to empower yourself to leave the relationship and regain financial stability and independence.
Need more information on dealing with a narcissist? Ask about our narcissistic negotiation training courses to help you take back your power and stay two steps ahead of the narcissist in your life.