Covert narcissists can be some of the most challenging and dangerous individuals to deal with. Unlike overt narcissists who openly crave attention and admiration, covert narcissists manipulate with subtlety, making their tactics harder to detect. They often portray themselves as victims, constantly mistreated, misunderstood, or unlucky. This act isn’t just about gaining sympathy; it’s also a way to deflect responsibility and make others feel like the villain. Their “poor me” narrative helps them gain attention and control, keeping others in a cycle of guilt and obligation.
Have you ever received a compliment that left you feeling uneasy? Covert narcissists are masters of backhanded compliments—seemingly kind words that undermine your confidence. Statements like, “Wow, you’re so brave to wear that outfit—I could never pull it off,” sound harmless but are designed to keep you questioning yourself. They aim to knock you off balance while appearing supportive. Confident people build others up, but covert narcissists tear others down because they don’t feel good about themselves.
One of the most insidious tactics covert narcissists use is gaslighting under the guise of care. They might say things like, “I’m just worried about how stressed you seem lately,” or, “I’m concerned about your choices—you’ve been acting differently.” On the surface, these statements sound caring, but they’re meant to plant seeds of insecurity, making you doubt your reality and emotions. This manipulation tactic gives them control while maintaining the appearance of being kind and supportive.
Covert narcissists also use a push-pull dynamic to keep you emotionally hooked. They’ll give just enough affection or approval to reel you in, then suddenly withdraw it to leave you guessing. This tactic keeps you working harder for their attention while keeping you on edge. Recognizing this behavior for what it is—a tool to control your emotions—is crucial for breaking free from their grip.
Another tactic they employ is passive-aggressive behavior. They may agree to help with a project or commit to something important, only to later claim they were too busy or misunderstood the task. Their lack of follow-through leaves you questioning whether to confront them, creating even more tension and self-doubt. Passive aggression allows them to maintain control without taking accountability.
Dealing with covert narcissists requires a proactive approach. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is. Set clear boundaries, and don’t allow their guilt trips or manipulation to influence your decisions. Staying calm and detached is essential; they thrive on emotional reactions, so denying them that satisfaction takes away their power. Documentation is one of your strongest tools. Keeping records of interactions, emails, and texts ensures you have clear evidence of their behavior if needed. Finally, seek support. Surround yourself with people who understand and uplift you—it can make a world of difference.
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Understanding these manipulative tactics is the first step to protecting yourself. Covert narcissists rely on subtlety, but once you recognize their patterns, you can regain your power, set boundaries, and maintain your peace of mind. Share this post with someone who might need it—it could be the breakthrough they’ve been waiting for.
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